How to not text him, even if you are obsessed

How to not text him, even if you are obsessed

Ten ways to distract yourself from texting your ex, that guy who doesn?t like you or the guy you text too much

Image for postThe urge is as strong as the last piece of pizza

There comes a point in every straight/bi woman/gay man?s life when you fall completely and utterly head over heels for The Guy You Should Absolutely Not Send A Text To. There are many possible reasons for why you should not do this, from looking like a crazed stalker to the fact he is married+closeted+ a bastard+ emotionally unavailable, but we all know that the urge is so strong it can be hard to avoid.

These tips are for people who are struggling to keep The Guy off their minds at all. So here is what to do if you absolutely, on no account, should text Him.*

*Or her, actually. That works.

  1. Think about what you would actually say.

There are only so many times you can say ?hey, how are you, what you up to? without looking really boring and weird. If you have nothing to say (well, nothing you will confess to) what?s the point? What would he think? You look weird and desperate. Leave it unless it?s urgent. Similarly, sending ?I?m still in love with you here is a paragraph on why you should leave your new girlfriend? looks kinda hysterical. Don?t. Do. It.

2. What time is it?

I never send important messages after about 10pm. This is because you will lie in bed worrying about whether he has seen it or not until 5am and then panic over absolutely nothing. Keep putting texting him off. You can?t send it now, you?ll look desperate. If you send it at 8am, it?ll look like you woke up thinking about him. If you send it at 11am, it?ll look like you are thinking about him at work. Anxiety yourself out of it. Also, you will absolutely regret telling him you still love him at 3am. Seriously. No one makes great decisions when tired and lonely.

3. Tell yourself what he is actually like.

He?s not actually perfect, you know. He has enormous nostrils. He keeping hanging out with weird creepy guys. He never has ANYTHING to say. He?s really boring. He eats weirdly. He steals pens. He flirts with every girl on his twitter page. He wouldn?t reply anyway. He was mean to you when you dated him. He?s slept with your best friend. The list goes on. Just resist the urge to text him. He?s so wrong for you.

4. Even if he texted back, what would he say?

He?s pretty unlikely to text back to your ?hi? with ?I love you, my girlfriend means nothing to me, let?s make passionate love in Venice and honeymoon in Tuscany?. Do you really want to do the hi, hey, how are you, fine, you, yes, fine, and then spend the next day dreaming about how that ?fine? actually meant NOT fine with Alice and he actually likes you? Girl/Boy, no.

5. If he doesn?t normally reply, he isn?t going to reply now.

It doesn?t matter if you?ve typed an essay on ?Why I ditched you, and how you are a lying cheating bastard?,or just ?I love you?, if he doesn?t normally reply he probably won?t now. Just leave it. Not worth the anxiety of knowing he?s seen and not replied.

6. Do other things.

It?s a clich and I know you?ll probably sit the whole way through Bridget Jones saying THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID TO ME, BASTARD but just try to do anything that distracts you from texting him. Even knitting. Just keep busy. Even if it means seeing your boring friend who wails about how he keeps finding promiscuous boyfriends on Grindr.

7. Take loads, and loads and loads of selfies.

Bear with me on this one: if you are busy doing your make up and hair, feeling good about yourself and worrying about how your eyeliner looks, you aren?t texting him. And by the time you are done, you?ll feel like you could definitely find someone else. Hopefully. CLOSE MESSENGER NOW and get out your lippy.

8. Write a song, poem or book about how you feel.

Some people might tell you not to dwell on him, but we all know that?s pretty hard in the I-must-not-text-him stage. So channel it. Write that angry love poem, that unrequited romance story, the thinly veiled My-Ex-Boyfriend-Is-A-Prick-And-His-Name-Rhymes-With-Nenry-Rith song. Don?t publish it though, unless you are sure it will be the next bestseller. Don?t want to be sued for damages by ?Nenry Rith?.

9. Find a new crush.

As you have zero chance with your ex, or this guy who doesn?t like you, find someone else. I know you are wailing and saying I can?t love anyone else after Dave, he is my Romeo, but you probably will. Go on Tinder/Grindr or at least scroll through your facebook for hot guys. Divert your attention. It?s for the best.

10. If you don?t know his number off by heart, delete it. If you do, go live on a remote Scottish Island.

Desperate measures, possums.

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