Claws: A mysterious black jaguar is terrorizing up-country Maui

Claws: A mysterious black jaguar is terrorizing up-country Maui

Episode One: Year of the Cat

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EXT. EK-BALAM, YUCATAN PENINSULA, MEXICO ? NOON: Open at the large-scale archaeological excavations at the now-ruins of the site of Ek-Balam and the Oval Palace constructed over the Ek-Balam cenote (a freshwater sinkhole).

INT. EK-BALAM CENOTE ? MOMENTS LATER: The long rope-like roots of Banyan trees hang from the edges of the sinkhole into the fresh water. At noon the summer solstice sun is directly over-head and the normally dark deep, azure pool is sunlit and sparkling. Periodically a cluster of bubbles appear on the surface. The sunlight illuminates the cenote and it is natural formation with ledges and crevasses in the sidewalls. It becomes much darker until at about 50 feet ? there are two lights glowing ahead in the abyss.

Two underwater archaeologists carefully excavating a shelf in a side chamber deep within what the Olmec, and later the Maya, referred to as the Entrance to the Underworld and the City of Xibalba ?The Place of Fright.

They are both wearing black dive suits. In the dim light it is obvious that one is a woman. Using air from her regulator the diver gently blows away the fine sediments. After the swirling silt settles, part of glossy black figurine has been uncovered. She turns and gestures to the second diver, she has striking, almond-shaped green eyes. The second diver readies his underwater camera. This is Dr. Felix Hau (Javier Bardem-type) and his visiting research colleague, Dr. Pia Caldern (Penelope Cruz-type) from the University of Barcelona.

After photographing the artifact alongside a black and white metric photo scale, Dr. Hau gestures for Pia to remove the artifact. They shine their dive lights on the object ? it is a beautifully carved head of a black jaguar. Pia places the artifact in a mesh dive bag, as she does this her dive light briefly shines on a smooth white object protruding from the sediments on a ledge just below. The artifact catches Pia eye. She swims down to it, illuminating it with her dive light. Dr. Hau follows her. It appears to be a boar?s tusk; they look at each other quizzically ? clearly, this is an unexpected find.

They place it in the mesh bag with other artifacts they have recovered. Dr. Hau gives the dive sign he is almost out of air ? drawing his index finger across his neck and pointing to his air gauge. Pia nods and the two slowly ascend into the filtered sunlight.

When they break the surface of the cenote and remove their masks, it is apparent they are very excited about their finds. Several local Mayan workers are sitting near the edge of the cenote waiting patiently for them. They swim on their backs to the edge of the cenote in Spanish.

Pia, ?What is that? A tooth??

Dr. Hau, ?Yes, I believe it?s a modified tusk of some kind.?

Pia, ?A tusk??

Dr. Hau, ?Strange ? looks like wild boar?

Once out of the water, Dr. Hau explains to the local crew (in Spanish) what the broken figurine they recovered is ? holding it up for all to see

Dr. Hau, ?Behold ek balam ? the sacred black jaguar this site is named for.?

The Mayan workers exchange concerned looks ? one of the workers makes the sign of the cross over his chest and he kisses an amulet he is wearing hidden beneath his shirt on a strip of braided leather.

The archaeologists change out of their dive gear and break for a traditional lunch. Dr. Hau and Pia separate from the workers and sit atop the acropolis surrounded by the ruined city of Ek-Balam. In the distance, a large-scale excavation being carried on at the base of one of the lesser temples. They have the artifacts with them. Dr. Hau picks up the figurine and holds it up in the sun. He says to Pia (in Spanish):

Dr. Hau, ?This has not seen the light of day for millennia?? He looks at Pia and back at the artifact and continues, ??but now, it has been resurrected. With your help ? it has returned from the watery underworld of our ancestors.?

She smiles and cocks her head to contemplate the jet-black figurine glistening in the sun. She takes a bite of her tamale. Pia nods, looks at the boar?s tusk and asks,

Pia, ?What about that one??

Dr. Hau, ?For this one, we need to head back to Mexico City?

Pia, looks at him quizzically, raising her eyebrows while she chews.

Dr. Hau, ?I want to consult with a colleague at the National Museum and have him run some tests.? He turns to Pia, ?And, while we are there, I can give an excavation update to the Board.?

He gestures to Pia the international sign for ?need money? ? by rubbing the fingertips of his right hand together, ??and give you a quick tour of some of the collections.?

Pia smiles and looks back to the artifact ? juxtaposed against the ruins of Ek-Balam and the ongoing excavation in the background. They continue to eat their lunch in silence.


EXT. HALEAKALA RANCH, MAUI ? DAYBREAK: We open high on the slopes of Haleakala at sunrise. A bright green comet streaks across the starry sky and vanishes from sight just as the sun peaks over the horizon. A lone cowboy wearing a long duster is silhouetted against the rising sun his Catahoula cattle dogs are whining and are fixated on something just out of the shot. Steam rises off his horse?s flanks. He dismounts and pulls a Smart Phone out of his duster and walks over to where the dogs are frantically barking.

He tells them to shut up in Hawaiian, ?Kulikuli!? The dogs immediately fall silent

He snaps a photo of a freshly, mutilated cow. He marks the GPS coordinates and sends off a text message. The animal?s throat is torn, and its chest cavity gutted. There are long claw marks on its shoulders and its neck appears to have been broken. It is a recent kill and the carcass is still warm. Off in the distance a swarm of cowboys riding ATVs appear over the horizon. This is Haleakala Ranch Manager, Brian Tavares (Woody Harrelson-type) and his dogs Koa and Ikaika.

INT. OF IVY?S HOUSE ? MOMENTS LATER: A woman in her early thirties sitting at a desk in a rustic plantation shack situated on the edge of Maliko Gulch. She is wearing khaki safari pants and a U Penn t-shirt. Her cell rings ? her ringtone is the theme song for Indiana Jones; she looks at the number ? it?s a collection agency ? she lets it go to voice mail. Next to the phone is a stack of unopened bills ? most prominently are the past due MOHELA Student Loan bills. Ivy?s business cards showing her as the owner and Principal Investigator of Dirty Girls Archaeology. There are several stone artifacts on display along with a collection of old bottles and several large modified cowrie shells. Above her desk are framed diplomas, certificates and awards. There are also several framed pics of her working on excavation sites and posing with large game fish such as marlin and ahi at the Lahaina Harbor. Front and center is large photo of Ivy and her dog, Lucky. She grabs her keys and backpack and heads out to the lanai.

EXT. IVY?S HOUSE ? CONTINUOUS: She puts on her OluKai slippers and Maui Jim Sunglasses and begins calling, clapping and whistling for her dog.

Ivy, ?Lucky! Come on boy!? after a brief pause, ?Let?s go! Hele mai! Lucky! ? Lucky! HUI!!!?

When no dog appears, she shrugs and gets into her lifted, khaki-green, ten-year old, Jeep Rubicon. She puts her backpack next to some gear ? including two small drones. She starts the engine and the radio is blasting Elton John?s Honky Cat Ivy sings along.

?You better get back honky cat. Living in the city ain?t where it?s at??

The Jeep is muddy. Next to the rainbow Hawai`i license plate the bumper sticker reads ?Archaeologists do it in the Dirt.? Other bumper stickers include: ?Save Makena; and ?SHE > he.? She drives the short but scenic distance to Rodeo General Store for her morning coffee while ?Honky Cat? continues to play. She is following an egg-yolk yellow Nissan Juke with a vanity plate that reads ?ZARA? bumper stickers reading ?Coexist,? ?Practice Aloha,? ?Shamans Do it in Three Worlds,? an All-Seeing eye of Fatima and one homemade one that reads ?Haole-waiian? The driver is texting as she drives causing her car to weave erratically.

Ivy under her breath, ?Oh, for fuck?s sake??

This is archaeologist and GIS expert Dr. Ivy Rhodes (Jenifer Lawrence-type) She is the owner of ?Dirty Girls Archaeology?, a small Cultural Resource Management (CRM) company.

As she enters Makawao, Haleakala, Maui?s 10,000+ foot volcano looms above the tiny paniolo (cowboy) town. She parks in front of Rodeo General Store. Local cowboys, veterans, surfers, and bikers ? sit on the steps outside the store bullshitting and drinking coffee.

Posted on the bulletin board outside are numerous faded flyers for local bands, yoga retreats, rentals, school plays, etc. A new one, near the center catches Ivy?s eye. It is for a missing golden retriever named Andy. She knows this dog. It belongs to Haleakala Ranch owner, Jake Steinway. She shakes her head.

Ivy says under her breath. ?Oh no! Not you too. Poor Andy??

There are numerous other missing pet fliers in various stages of fading.

EXT. A MALIKO ZIP LINE PLATFORM ? MOMENTS LATER: The first group of tourists are happily zip-lining through the misty canopy of Maliko Gulch. We hear their squeals of joy as they zip from treetop to treetop, hundreds of feet above the valley floor. As they land on a platform the tour guide tells them about the critically endangered native bird population located in the gulch ? the air is filled with birdsong.

Guide to the group: ?There are less than 300 Kiwikiu ? or Maui Parrot Billed Honey Creepers ? left. The Maui Forest Bird Recovery Program is partnering with the San Diego Zoo where they are breeding this critically endangered species in captivity??

Tourist 1: ?How did they become so endangered??

Guide while adjusting Tourist 1?s harness: ?Deforestation for cattle ranching, avian disease spread by mosquito, introduced predators like the mongoose ? and, if that weren?t enough ? you may have heard we have a HUGE feral cat problem.?

He pushes the first tourist off the platform. He zips through the canopy screaming towards the next platform.

INT. MALIKO GULCH ZIP LINE TOUR OFFICE ? MOMENTS LATER: Inside, two men are examining a set of blueprints on a tablet, a golden retriever is lying by her owner?s feet, and there are historic photos and maps of the area framed on the wall. Photos of Jake?s great grandparents who came to Maui as missionaries in the late 19th century from Nantucket cover the walls. We also see images of his sugar baron grandfather and founder of Steinway Sugar alongside pictures of Jake as a young boy with his parents on horseback at the Steinway Estate. Both men are dressed in Hawai`i business attire ? khaki pants and Reyn Spooner Aloha shirts. This is Haleakala Ranch owner Jake Steinway (Robert Downey Jr.-type), his dog Maka and his developer, Everett Sakamoto (Gabe Watanabe-type). Jake is the descendant of an early missionary family. He is also a veteran of the First Gulf War incursion where he was a Black Hawk copter pilot. In addition to owning Haleakala Ranch, the Steinway family holds vast acreage no longer under sugar cultivation. Sugar is a dead industry in Hawaii, former Ag lands are now being turned into ?gentlemen farms? and areas previously left pristine are now being encroached as and the Steinway Co. stockholders demand increased profit statements.

Using Google Earth, they virtually navigate through an undeveloped upper portion of Maliko Gulch. The men are planning on putting in additional zip lines further up the slopes of Haleakala and sub-dividing huge tracks of ranch land to make room for more ?Gentlemen farms? of 20 acres or more.

EXT. THE PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE MALIKO GULCH ZIP LINE OFFICE ? CONTINUOUS: Ivy whips her Jeep into the gravel lot. She pulls in next to a white Range Rover (Jake?s) and a blue Porsche Carrera (Everett?s). She grabs her coffee and enters the office where Jake and Everett are meeting. Although she is fiercely anti-development, finances have forced her to take a job from Jake Steinway. She has been hired to do the Archaeological Inventory Survey required for the placement of the new zip line towers and infrastructure in this culturally sensitive area. This will require her to travel on horseback into remote parks of Haleakala ranch with manager Brian Tavares and to use the latest in drone technology to survey all cultural features.

INT. THE MALIKO GULCH ZIP LINE OFFICE ? CONTINUOUS: Ivy enters the office and greets the two men.

Ivy, ?Aloha kahakiaka!? She turns to Jake, ?Hey, I just saw your flyer about Andy??

Jake doesn?t seem too concerned, ?He?ll be back.? He turns to his dog, ?Right, Maka? Andy always comes home.?

Maka brightens at the sound of Andy?s name and thumps her tail on the wooden floor.

EXT. THE MALIKO GULCH ZIP LINE OFFICE ? CONTINUOUS: Jake, Ivy, Everett, and Maka the dog get into a state-of-the-art private helicopter. Jake jumps into the pilot seat and starts the rotors. Everett is in the copilot seat, Ivy and Maka are in the back. As they fly up the mountain through Maliko Gulch they pass over tourists happily zip-lining ? zigzagging from side to side of the massive gulch. There are numerous waterfalls and the stream that has carved the gulch over the millennia. Jake explains they are looking at the area to be developed.

Jake, ?This is the area I plan to subdivide?? He abruptly banks the copter ??and this is where the new zip lines will start??

Suddenly Jake receives a text. He checks his phone. It?s from Brian Tavares and shows a picture of the mutilated steer along with GPS coordinates ? he passes the phone silently to Everett. In doing so, he intentionally tips the screen away from Ivy, but she sees the image of the mutilated cow reflected in the windshield. She plays dumb and says nothing when Jake abruptly banks the helicopter again and heads to meet Brian at the Haleakala Ranch Hunting Lodge, known as the Peanut House.

EXT. HALEAKALA RANCH PASTURELAND ? MOMENTS LATER: A group of tie-dye clad, New Age enthusiasts are picking magic mushrooms out of cow pies. A light mist is falling, and the air is filled with birdsong. Suddenly the sun appears and making a huge rainbow. The group begins whooping and spinning as they dance in the dewy field. The leader of the ?tribe? of fire dancing WWOOF-ers is Karma MaCabre. He and his ?wife? ? a belly dancer ? who goes by the name Cheshire (Awkwafina -type), along with several others, live in a commune newly dubbed ?Chakra Garden? located in the section of Maliko Gulch just below the town of Makawao.

EXT. THE PEANUT HOUSE ? MOMENTS LATER: As Jake lands the copter in open the field, Brian walks out of the lodge to meet Jake, Ivy, Everett and Maka as they exit the copter. The lodge is at 6,000 feet above sea level and it is brisk ? with morning temps in the low 50s. Brian?s horse is tied to the hitching post outside and his dogs are lying on the lanai.

Jake, ?Ivy, can you take Maka to the lodge and give her some water??

Ivy nods and heads off towards the house with Maka, ?Come on girl, thirsty? Let?s get a drink.? As she passes Brian she nods, ?Hey Brian, wat up??

Brian nods back, ?Same shit different day.?

Brian, ?Morning Jake? and then nods, ?Everett.?

When Ivy is well out of ear shot Jake says to Brian as he gestures to the photo on his phone, ?Who all knows ?bout this??

Brain (in a slight pigeon accent), ?You know, jus me and da boys ? an, no worries, they nevah gonna say nuttin to no-body.?

Jake and Everett exchange concerned looks.

Everett says, ?This is not good.?

Jake tersely to Everett, ?No shit Sherlock.?

Turning to Brian, Jake says, ?We need to keep a lid on this ? what did you do with the carcass??

Brian, ?Junior Boy?s.?

EXT. JUNIOR BOY?S BURGER SHACK ? CONTINUOUS: Locate in isolated Kanaio located about 2,000 feet above La Perouse Bay. There is a large open-air seating area with picnic tables. The kiawe (mesquite) wood BBQ made from a steel drum bisected lengthwise has been started and the plume of whitish smoke rises straight up in the early morning stillness. Despite its isolation, over a half a million rental cars will pass by Junior Boy?s as they circumnavigate the base of Haleakala on the famous Road to Hana. Two cowboys are feeding what?s left of the mutilated steer into an industrial meat grinder.

INT. THE PEANUT HOUSE ? CONTINUOUS: Jake, Everett and Brian enter the lodge. Ivy is making Lion?s coffee and Maka has joined Brian?s dogs Koa and Ikaika and they are lying in front of the wood burning stove.

Jake claps his hands and rubs then together and smiles at Ivy, ?Okay, Ivy, let?s talk zip lines and their archaeological impact??

Ivy smiles wanly and pulls her laptop out of her backpack, opens it up and clicks of the screen opening a letter addressed to Jake:

Ivy, ?I see that the State Historic Preservation Divisions is requiring an Archeological Inventory Survey for the proposed project area ? that means a full pedestrian survey must be completed and any cultural sites discovered be recorded and evaluated for significance??

Jake grimaces, ?Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, bah ? just tell me what it?s going to cost.?

Ivy smiles, ?I?ll need to do all the background research for this property including looking at the original Land Commission Awards. Is the title clear or clouded??

Everett rushes to answer, ?Clear.?

Ivy looks at Everett he quickly looks down at the floor, ?Good. I don?t like surprises.? She continues, ?In the area without heavy canopy I can use a 3-D drone to map in any cultural sites ? that will help mitigate the costs ? and in the heavily forested areas I?ll have to use LIDAR technology. If I find anything ? I?ll need to go in on horseback and conduct the survey on foot?? She turns to Brian, ?You must know all the old trails in and out of the gulch, right??

Brian, ?Like da back of my hand??

Ivy turns back to Jake, ?I?ll work up a bid.?

EXT. HALEAKALA RANCH PASTURELAND ? MOMENTS LATER: The mushrooms are kicking in and the hippies are twirling in the sun ? clearly tripping the light fantastic ? they have finger cymbals, flutes and tambourines. In their exuberance they fail to notice that the forest birds are oddly silent. As they dance Cheshire sees something dark and shiny slinking near the edge of the forest. Entranced by what she thinks is an animistic spirit guide, she twirls and dances towards the mysterious phantom following it into the dense overgrowth.

Cheshire becomes fascinated with a Hawaiian Happy Face spider in a dew-covered web. The others are calling her name, but she ignores them. There is a rustling in the underbrush in front of her she moves towards it ? enthralled. Suddenly the tall cane grass parts and it is Karma and his Merry Band. They grab Cheshire and twirl their way back into the open field ? they are all naked now. They stand in a circle passing a huge spliff ? discussing UFOs, aliens and Bigfoot.

Argon, ?No shit Karma, not only did this chick see Bigfoot, but he actually took her back to his cave and she helped birth Bigfoot?s mate?s breach baby??

Karma, ?Birthed, Bigfoot?s breach baby?? He begins laughing hysterically ?Dude, that?s like super hard to say??

Cheshire and her friend Sun Moon (Juno Temple-type) begin rolling down the grassy hill giggling. Their laughter turns to screams when they roll up to Andy. The large golden retriever has clearly been dead for a couple of days. His collar and tags are intact, but his neck is snapped, his head is facing the wrong direction; there is a huge claw mark on one side of his muzzle ? there is a tuft of black fur in his mouth. The group responds to the girls? screams running over to them. When they see Andy, Karma carefully removes the collar and dials the number as Cheshire and several others vomit.

INT. OF PEANUT HOUSE ? MOMENTS LATER: Jake Steinway?s phone rings. It?s a very excited Karma.

Karma, ?Dude, we found your dog and ? dude, em, this is kinda brutal ? but he?s like dead. And ? don?t freak out ? but it totally looks like maybe aliens got him??

Jake matter-of-factly, ?Tell me exactly where you are??

He jots some information down and turns to Everett, ?They found Andy ? he?s nearby.?

He turns to Ivy, ?Wait here.?

Ivy nods, ?K??

He says to Everett and Brian, ?You two coming??

Ivy and the dogs watch out the window as the copter lifts off.

Once they lift off, Ivy opens a USGS topographic map of Maliko Gulch in another window on her laptop. She imports the topo data for the gulch into a separate ArcView ESRI GIS database. Next, she Googles ?animal mutilations on Maui? and numerous links about attacks on farm animals and pets appear. She opens an article dated September 2003, linking the mutilation of nine goats to a phantom big cat [1].


?Maui?s ?mystery cat? has been seen in the Olinda area, near Makawao, state officials reported Saturday,? September 27, 2003?

?Two women got a good look at the cat in the most recent of the sightings, reporting that they passed within about seven feet of the animal when it crossed the road ahead of their car around 8:50 p.m.?

?The women described it as about seven feet long, with a long tail, black coat, yellow-green eyes and a flat face with indented ears[i]?

After scanning the article, she bookmarks the page. She returns to her search clicking on the next link to a Honolulu Advertiser story dated November 2003.

Sunday, November 30, 2003


By Timothy Hurley Advertiser Maui County Bureau

OLINDA, Maui ? nearly a year after sightings of a large exotic animal began spreading around this rural community, some are left wondering whether the big cat was ever out there in the first place. The mystery cat of Olinda remains as mysterious as ever.

The hunt has come up empty-handed despite help from two big-game experts from Arizona and the use of high-tech trapping approaches, including infrared cameras that take pictures at night. DNA analysis of suspected big-cat fur has so far been unable to provide any answers??

She bookmarks this page too.

EXT. THE HELICOPTER LANDING IN THE PASTURE ? MOMENTS LATER: The now partially clothed hippies run around shrieking as if it is an alien craft. Jake, Brian and Everett get out and walk to where Andy is lying. Brian is carrying a shovel. Jake takes Andy?s collar from Karma as Brian begins to dig a hole.

INT. OF PEANUT HOUSE ? MOMENTS LATER: Ivy returns to her previous search she clicks on a second Honolulu Advertiser article from October 2004.


By Timothy Hurley Advertiser Staff Writer

It?s been just about a year since the last credible sighting of the mysterious big cat in Olinda, Maui. But stories refuse to die. Wildlife officials say they?ve received at least 10 reports of a large cat roaming about Maui since last October, the latest two coming in just the past three weeks? The big cat?s been in Makena, Kahikinui, the Maui Tropical Plantation (in Waikapu), Spreckelsville, and Wailea ??

She also bookmarks this page. Ivy refines her search to ?Maui Phantom Cat? ? Google then prompts ?Do you mean Maui Big Cat??

June 25, 2003


By Timothy Hurley Advertiser Maui County Bureau

WAILUKU, Maui ? State wildlife workers yesterday discovered evidence of a big cat in the lower Olinda area of Maui where residents have reported seeing a large animal on the loose.

?I believe it?s for real,? said wildlife biologist Fern Duvall, leader of a six-person team that traversed a thickly wooded gulch in search of the unidentified cat, believed to be a jaguar or leopard that was released into the wild. ?There?s something out there.?

The team found claw marks on trees, dead doves with bite marks, 4-inch paw prints and tracks.

What?s more, one hour into the morning search, an Olinda resident reported seeing the large cat at a place where it had been previously seen. Duvall speculated that the searchers may have spooked the animal to move into a different area.

There have been reports over the past six months suggesting that a large cat is prowling the area, with at least five sightings?.

?Duvall said searchers found several trees with deep gouges, indicating they were used as scratching posts and for climbing. Also found were eight to 10 dead doves with bite marks on their backs, he said. Large cat-like paw prints were seen in different areas, he said, but the soil was too dry to make an impression of the print?.?

She bookmarks this page too. Ivy looks down at Maka and then looks across the room at a framed photo of Jake, Andy and Maka and has an epiphany. She turns back to her computer and Googles the Maui Humane Society. She clicks on the link to their website and taps into their missing pets? database. She downloads the Excel spreadsheet and extracts the type of animal and the location and date of where it was last seen. She imports the extracted data into her GIS software. Before displaying the data, she links the species of pet with a specific icon. When she displays the island-wide data in the GIS database, she is shocked to see the distinct clustering of pet disappearances near or around Maliko Gulch.

?Holy shit?? Ivy says to Maka, Koa and Ikaika. She flashes on the fact Lucky is missing too and says under her breath ?Fucking Lucky ? I hope you?re okay??

She quickly makes a new layer in her GIS database, locks it with the password ?KAPU,? making it a proprietary layer ? for her eyes only. She hears the helicopter approaching and quickly erases her search history. Ivy toggles out of the newly created GIS layer. When the men enter, she pretends instead to be studying the Google Earth topography looking for cultural features.

Ivy looks up at them and asks, ?Where?s Andy??

Everett shoots her a look and shakes his head he draws his finger across his neck.

Jake is carrying Andy?s collar, ?Don?t ask.?

Jake tosses the collar onto the counter, opens a cupboard and pulls out a bottle and some shot glasses. He pours four shots.

He turns to the group, ?To Andy?? They lift their glasses and knock back the shots.

Jake exhales sharply and turning to Ivy, ?Okay, So zip lines ? any foreseeable problems??

The three of them turn to Ivy?s computer screen and the task at hand. Ivy?s screen saver is a photo of Princess Ruth taken in the late 19th century.

Image for postPrincess Ruth Luka Keanolani Kauanahoahoa Ke?elik?lani

INT. NATIONAL MUSEUM, MEXICO CITY ? DAY: Pia and Dr. Hau are walking through the Olmec and Mayan section of the National Museum. They pass by several enormous stone heads. The features are unmistakably similar. The features are unmistakably similar to those of Princess Ruth.

Image for postOlmec Head

When Pia stops to examine one, Dr. Hau tells her, ?Ah, yes, the mysterious Olmec heads. You know, Pia, when they were first discovered in the mid-nineteenth century ? because of their distinct appearance ? they were thought to represent Africans. ?

Pia, ?Africans??

Dr. Hau, ?Yes, Africans who had somehow visited the New World.?

Pia, ?Who made them??

Dr. Hau, ?The Olmec ? Mexico?s earliest true civilization. So far 18 have been discovered?

Dr. Hau approaches one of the massive heads and points to the distinct fold or crease across the bridge of the nose and eyelid and says,

Dr. Hau, ?More recently, scholars point to the presence of this epicanthic eye fold ? which, by the way, is uniquely Asiatic ? claiming its presence rules out any ?African Contact Theory? and thereby opening the door to much speculation as to their origin and meaning?

Pia, ?Asian??? Have you examined all 18 of them??

Dr. Hau, ?Yes. Some have Olmec glyphs ? most do not. Two were subsequently carved into thrones for usurping Mayan rulers. To the victors go the spoils??

Pia reaches out and gently traces the eye fold with her fingers as if caressing an old friend

Dr. Hau and Pia continue through this section of the museum. As they walk, they pass a case with several black obsidian figurines about a foot tall. Pia abruptly stops, her gaze transfixed; they appear to be hybrid human-cat-like creatures.

Pia presses the ?Information? button and a state-of-the-art hologram appears of Dr. Hau.

Hologram Dr. Hau (in Spanish,) ?Ola! I?m Dr. Felix Hau director of the ongoing excavation at Ek-Balam and Balamku. The name ?Olmec? literally means ?rubber people? and shape shifting was at the heart of their belief system. These metamorphic figurines played an integral role in the Olmec and subsequent Mayan cult of the were-jaguar.?

She looks at the real Dr. Hau. He smiles and shrugs sheepishly. Pia laughs. The holographic Dr. Hau continues

?According to the Popol Vuh ? a creation narrative of the K?iche people before the Spanish conquest ? the path to the Mayan underworld was a treacherous, watery one. Comprised of nine worlds ? the earth being the first ? departed souls needed to pass through all nine the kingdoms to reach the city of Xibalba ? ?The Place of Fright.?

This watery underworld was ruled by 12 Mayan death gods and their minions. The cenote at Ek-Balam is thought to be an entrance to Xibalba.

As the hologram narrates, there are accompanying video clips of the underwater archaeological techniques used to recover votive offerings and other information deposited in cenotes. The hologram goes on to discuss the recent finds at Balamku ? the Cave of the Jaguar God.

?In March 2019, National Geographic, working in close association with the National Museum and the National Institute of Anthropology and History (INAH), began exploring Balamku ? the Cave of the Jaguar God ? utilizing photogrammetry 3D modeling technology and Augmented Reality software to record and study the elaborate cave system.?

The narration finished the hologram abruptly vanishes and they walk on

They reach the restricted area of the museum. Dr. Hau pulls out a key card and swipes it, the electronic door opens, and he enters the climate-controlled portion of the museum. Pia is behind him starting at a stone statue of a Jaguar Priest cradling a were-jaguar baby who appear to be dead.

Dr. Hau, ?Pia, you coming??

She breaks her gaze and turns to follow him. Dr. Hau nods hello to several museum staff/researchers they pass in the hallway. Dr. Hau and Pia enter a room where they both put on latex gloves. An ancient volume is lying on a white table.

Dr. Hau gingerly handles the volume, carefully turning the pages.

He explains (in Spanish) to Pia, ?This is the Chiliam Balam ? the sacred text of the Jaguar Priests and is a post-contact text that is an amalgamation of Olmec and Mayan myth and Christianity. Only four Codex survived the Spanish conquest ? the rest were burned??

FLASHBACK to JULY 12, 1562 ? CONTINUOUS: A Spanish Priest ? surrounded by conquistadors holding back the wailing Maya ? is tossing bark paper and leather codex into a raging bonfire. This is Diego de Landa Caldern.

Pia finished his sentence, ??by my not-so-great distant relative Father Diego de Landa Caldern.?

EXT. CAMP PI`IHOLO ? MOMENTS LATER: Located 1,038? above sea level; the camp is breathtaking being situated in a clearing in a dense Eucalyptus forest. The sun is up, and we hear a cacophony of birdsong. A group of Eco-Scouts are slowly waking up. The troop leader is trying to rally the group of 12 and 13-year old girls. This is Katherine ?Kitty? King (Lake Bell-type). When not volunteering with the Eco-scouts, she works for Haleakala National Park as its Environmental Protection Agency coordinator; she also volunteers to address the huge impact feral cats have on Maui?s native species.

Kitty, ?Hui! (Drawn out to Hoooo Weeeee!) Come on ladies. Get the lead out! We?ve got some ground to cover today.?

INT. CAMP PI`IHOLO CABIN ? CONTINUOUS There are four girls per cabin. One of the eco-scouts turns over in her sleeping bag and says into her pillow,

Dawn AKA Potty, ?Why don?t you shut the FUCK UP??

The three other girls squeal with laughter.

Collins, ?Potty-Mouth!?

This is Dawn Fuquay. ?Fuck? is her FAVORITE word. Because of this the other girls at camp have nicknamed her ?Potty-Mouth? and now call her ?Potty? for short. She is sharing the tent with her BFFs Collins Copeland, and twin sisters Ka l? (Lala) Pudyke-Kapu and Mahina Pudyke-Kapu.

EXT. WAIHOU SPRINGS REFORESTATION AREA ? MOMENTS LATER: Kitty and her somewhat less-than-cooperative Eco Scout troop known as ?Wahine Warriors? are waiting at the entrance of the USGS Reforestation Area at the top of Maliko Gulch in Olinda. They have day packs with them. They will be hiking three miles to Waihou Springs for a picnic lunch deep in the forest. They are waiting for two Feral Animal Removal Technicians, who will be leading the expedition. Today, they will learn about the reforestation efforts, Maui?s feral cat problem, the damage this invasive species does to the native bird population, and efforts to trap and eradicated the feral felines from this area.

A white, Toyota Tacoma pickup pulls in with a County of Maui logo. Two, cute, twenty-something guys get out. They are Rex Howard and Justin Bernard. They are wearing t-shirts that say:

Maui County Feral Animal Removal Technicians

Collins turns to Dawn ?Potty? Fuquay and says,

Collins to her BFF, ?Hey, Potty, do their shirts actually spell out MC FART??

Potty snorts, ?Looks like??

Potty and the other campers squeal with laughter as the two young men saunter over to the group of Eco Scouts.

Rex, ?Hello Kitty! Sorry we?re a little late??

The eco-scouts twitter at the ?Hello Kitty? reference.

Kitty looks at the girls, ?Never gets old, does it??

The girls laugh more and shake their heads ?no?

Kitty to Rex and Justin, ?Call me Kit. We?re ready for you two to share your manao (thoughts) about this area with us. Right girls??

Another ripple of laughter runs through the group as they nod in agreement.

Kitty, ?These are my good friends, Rex Howard and Justin Bernard.

Both techs say ?Howzit?? to the girls

Kitty, ?They?re Feral Animal Removal Techs for the County of Maui. They help the keep the feral cat population under control so the endangered native bird species living in this area have a chance to make a comeback.?

Potty blows on her forearm making a loud farting sound, sending yet another ripple of laughter runs through the group. Kitty shoots her a withering look.

Kitty continues, ?They are going to hike in with us this morning, check the live traps and then they?re going to spend a couple of nights in the reserve ? right boyz??

Justin and Rex nod and begin unloading their gear including four domestic cat-size ?live traps? from the back of the truck. They put on large packs, each carry two traps as the group enters the reforestation area.

The Eco-Scouts are hiking to Waihou spring. They are standing at a large gate. The sign reads








Kitty unlocks the gate and the eco-scouts pour through the 10-foot predator fence into the reserve. She carefully locks the gate behind her and tucks the key away. As they walk down the path, we notice the trees were planted in perfect rows back in the 1970s creating unnatural ?wide avenues? between rows that appear when at the right angle.

They are laughing and talking among themselves. Kitty, Rex and Justin are bringing up the rear carrying traps. When they reach the trailhead, they are met by Kaleikoa Kapu (Keanu Reeves-type), head of the DOFAW.

Kaleikoa: ?Aloha Kahakiaka! E komo mai ? welcome Wahine Warriors to the Waihou reforestation area.?

He turns to Kitty, ?Hello Kitty!?

The girls double over in laughter

Kitty to the twittering girls, ?Settle down?? To Kaleikoa, ?Please, call me Kit.?

The girls gather round him

Kitty, ?Ladies, in case you don?t know, this is Lala and Mahina?s dad, Kaleikoa Kapu. He?s the head of the Department of Fish and Wildlife here on Maui which makes him Rex and Justin?s boss??

Potty whispers to Collins, ?So he?s the big cheese MC FARTs ? get it? He who cuts the cheese??

The girls twitter in delight as Kitty shoots them a withering look

Kitty continues, ?He?s here to talk to us about Maui?s feral cat problem and how this over population is impacting many native species. That why Rex and Justin are here ? to trap and remove feral cats from this sensitive area.?

Potty asks, ?What do they do with them once they trap ?em? Kill ?em??

Kaleikoa, ?No, no, no ? we are exclusively a trap and release program. We trap the cats here, spade or neuter them and then transport them to the cat sanctuary on Lanai where they can live out their days.?

EXT. THE CAT SANCTUARY ON LANAI ? CONTINUOUS: 100s of cats are milling around in a large, fenced-in area.


Kaleikoa continues, ?How many of you know what a cat is called in Hawaiian??

The girls loudly chime in, ?Popoki!?

Kaleikoa, ?Pololei. Correct. Do you know how they got that name??

Lala?s hand goes up, Kaleikoa smiles and nods to her.

Lala, ?The first cats came with Europeans and when Hawaiians heard them saying ?poor Pussy ?? to a cat, all cats became ?popoki? or poor pussy.

Kaleikoa, ?And why are cats bad for our environment??

Collins, ?They kill birds.?

Kaleikoa, ?Yes, anything else??

Potty, ?They fuck like bunnies??

The eco-scouts twitter

Kitty scolding, ?Dawn Fuquay! ? inappropriate!!!!?

Collins whispers to Potty, ?Potty-mouth?

Kaleikoa continues unfazed, ?Yes, they have an extremely high reproductive rate. What else??

Lala sighs because she and Mahina know all the answers, ?They carry toxoplasmosis.?

Kaleikoa, ?Yes they do ? and exactly what is that??

Mahina continues, ?It?s a protozoon that infects you and makes you like the smell of cat shishi??

The Eco-scouts twitter

Kaleikoa, ?She?s right ? it does. It?s called the ?fatal attraction phenomenon? ? the conversion of innate fear of cat urine into attraction to cat urine in infected hosts. Anyone here know a ??crazy cat lady?? If you do, I?d bet she?s infected.?

Potty under her breath to Collins, ?Poor Pussy?? They crack up.

Kaleikoa, ?Are there any other question before we start the hike??

The girls all shake their heads no.

Kaleikoa continues, ?As a Hawaiian, I was taught to ask permission before I entered a wahi pana or wahi kapu by my kupuna. These are special, scared spaces so with this chant I will be asking the ancestors for permission to enter this area.?

He turns to face the forest and begins chanting in Hawaiian, ?E ho mai ka ike??

INT. THE LAB AT THE NATIONAL MUSEUM, MEXICO ? MOMENTS LATER: There is a knock on the door and a museum employee enters the room. He is dressed in a white lab coat worn open over a Princeton T-Shirt decorated with the university?s mascot a Bengal Tiger.

Dr. Hau greets him in Spanish, ?Ola! How are you my friend! Pia, this is my colleague Dr. Luis Gato. Luis, this is Dr. Pia Caldern. She?s the Post-doc from Barcelona I was telling you about.?

Luis extends his hand, ?So you?re the one who is doing all the wonderful 3D modeling of our cenotes! So nice to finally meet you, Dr. Caldern ? I?ve heard a lot about your research from Felix.?

Pia, ?Please call me Pia. Very nice to meet you too, Luis??

Dr. Hau, ?Luis an expert in the field of Zooarchaeology? a fancy title for someone who studies animal remains associated with human activities. Speaking of which??

Dr. Hau gestures for Luis to come closer and pulls the boar?s tusk now encased in a clear, plastic rectangular case and suspended in a clear liquid.

Dr. Hau hands it to the Luis and says, ?We recovered this from the Ek-Balam cenote last week.?

Luis looks at Dr. Hau quizzically as if to say WTF?

Dr. Hau continues, ?I know, I know, it?s very, very strange. It appears to be a modified tusk. Could it be Peccary??

Luis holds the vial up then turns to Dr. Hau

Luis, ?It?s pig alright ? definitely not Peccary ? very different dentition. Peccary tusks are short, straight and razor sharp ? pigs are long and curved ? like this one.? He turns to Dr. Hau, ?What?s this doing in a Mayan cenote?? He holds it to the light turning it slowly to study it, ?Pigs weren?t introduced to the Americas until the mid-16th century ? and then it was in Florida.? He thinks for a moment, ?Could someone have tossed this in more ? ah, recently??

Pia, ?Impossible ? we found it on a ledge in a side chamber. It had to be purposefully put there??

Dr. Hau to Luis, ?See if you can get any viable DNA from the pulp. And, if you can, sequence it for me ASAP, okay??

The Luis nods slowly still transfixed on the strange artifact

Luis, ?You got it boss.? Shaking his head in disbelief and leaves with the artifact.

Dr. Hau turns his attention back to the ancient text and Pia.

Pia, ?So who introduced pigs to the New World??

Dr. Hau, ?One of your countrymen, the Spanish explorer, Hernando de Soto ? he brought pigs to Florida ? and the rest, as they say, is history.?

He turns his attention to a color illustration of the Jaguar Priest ? a human dressed in the flayed skin of a jaguar. He and Pia lock eyes across the page.

EXT. THE SLOPES OF HALEAKALA UPPER MALIKO GULCH ? DAY: A 20-something guy is riding an ATV across Haleakala ranch land about 3,000 feet above sea level. The bumper sticker on his ATV reads ?Got Poi?? He is dressed in camo pants, boots and a black t-shirt that says ?POI DOG? on the back. This is Greyson Poki. He has access to the Haleakala ranch lands because he works for the DLNR, Division of Forestry and Wildlife (DOFAW) ? where he is employed as a Maui County Feral Animal Removal Technician. He primarily works monitoring the fence line keeping feral goat, pigs and deer out of the upper portion of Maliko Gulch ? a hugely successful, native plant reforestation effort. He reaches the upper perimeter of the gulch ? it is surrounded by a 10-foot predator fence designed to keep deer and other feral ungulates and/or predators out of the reserve. He unlocks a gate with a sign that says








He rides his ATV through and closes and carefully re-locks the gate. He drives a short distance stopping at a small spring that feeds into the stream running through the gulch. He walks over to the spring slowly weeping out of the rock and fills a collapsible container. The spring is surrounded by tall, native marsh grasses. He hikes up to a small clearing where there are several HUGE pakalolo (cannabis) plants in black plastic pots. Greyson walks over to water them.

The view from this area is expansive. He snaps a photo and texts ?All good.? He hikes down, hops on his ATV and exits the reserve, carefully locking the gate. Greyson continues driving up the fence line looking for breaches in the perimeter by pigs and/or the occasional feral goat with its head unwittingly stuck in the fence.

INT. CLASSROOM AT UH MAUI COLLEGE ? DAY: The professor is taking attendance for her Peoples of the Pacific summer school class (Wednesday).







?Cody with a ?C???


?Kody ? with a ?K??





?My corporeal being is here?

The instructor pauses for a second and then continues,



This is Dr. Pulama Pundyke (Chrissy Teigen-type). Pulama is a Hawaiian Studies expert. She and Dr. Rhodes are close friends. Pulama ? along with Kitty King ? volunteers with the Maui Humane Society, specifically focusing her efforts on curbing the feral cat population on Maui.

EXT. PARKING LOT THE MALIKO GULCH ZIP LINE OFFICE ? DAY: Jake, Ivy, Everett and Maka get out. Of the helicopter. They head into the office

INT. OF THE MALIKO GULCH ZIP LINE ? CONTINUOUS: Jake cuts Ivy a check for $5,000 to begin the Archaeology. She thanks him and puts it in her pocket. She hands both Jake and Everett her business card with her contact information. The front of the card says: ?Dirty Girls Archaeology Ivy Rhodes PhD, Principal Investigator? Jake flips it over and the back reads, ?Well-behaved women seldom make history.? He looks up at Ivy and raises his eyebrows. She smiles, shrugs and turns and walks away.

Ivy, ?A hui hou?

INT. IVY?S JEEP ? MOMENTS LATER ? MOVING: Ivy is driving away. As soon as she gets out of sight she pulls over and texts to her BFF and Eco-scout Collins Copeland?s mother Bethany Copeland, (Ari Graynor-type) ?Call me.?

Within seconds Ivy?s phone rings. She answers, ?Dude, you are not going to believe what just happened to me. Where you stay??

Bethany, ?Home. Gardening. Come over.?

Ivy, ?Be there in 5??

Bethany, ?Cool??

She hangs up and jams the Jeep into first, squealing tires as she pulls back onto the narrow winding road. Ivy drives a short distance to the Copeland?s Estate. Bethany is married Chance Copeland AKA The Pineapple Prince ? heir to Maui?s vast pineapple fortune. As she drives, she keep punching in various Maui radio stations. She is following a white Tesla that has a vanity plate that reads ?WAS HIS.?

Ted Nugent?s ?Cat Scratch Fever? comes on

Ivy reacts ?Oh hell to the no! Fuck off you fascist?? She selects another station

A commercial is playing

??side effects may include erectile dysfunction and oily discharge??

She grimaces and punches in another station and ?Cat?s in the Cradle? Harry Chapin comes on

??And the cat?s in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man on the moon.?

She sighs and tries once more and lands on DNCE?s Cake by the Ocean

?Waste time with a masterpiece Don?t waste time with a masterpiece You should be rolling with me You should be rolling with me??

Ivy sings along as she turns into the long drive leading to the main house, we pass beautifully maintained stables and pastures full of high-priced polo ponies.

Bethany is working in a green house full of exotic plants, orchids and pakalolo. Her State-issued Medical Marijuana License is clearly on display.

INT. COPELAND ESTATE GREENHOUSE ? MOMENTS LATER: She is in her late 30s, wearing a massive strand of black pearls, gardening clothes and clogs. When Ivy pulls up Bethany?s two Jack Russell terriers run out to greet her barking and jumping up and down in excitement.

Bethany looks up from trimming a huge pile of buds and shouts out, ?Jack! Russell! Shut the fuck up!?

Ivy enters the greenhouse still singing acapella followed by Jack and Russell who have calmed down a bit.

Ivy, ?I keep on hoping for cake by the ocean??

Bethany without looking up, ?Dr. McFuck-face. What up??

Ivy turns serious, ?Unsure ? but it appears that Jake Steinway is definitely up to something dubious.?

Bethany, ?Duh ? this not exactly news??

Ivy, ?No, Bethany, this time it?s a different kind of dubious.?

Bethany takes off her gardening gloves and picks up a fat joint from the rolling tray and says,

?Speaking of doobie-ous.? She sparks the joint.

Ivy ignores the bad pun takes a big hit off the joint and says,

Ivy, ?What do you know about animal mutilations on Maui??

Bethany, ?Ivy, what the fuck are you talking about??

Ivy holding her hit, ?Don?t know. Some kind of sick cover up.? She exhales, she says through the cloud of smoke, ?I accidentally saw a mutilated cow on Jake?s cell ? he and Everett clearly didn?t want me to see it.? She breaks out her laptop, ?Check this fucked-up shit I found on the internet??

Ivy shows Bethany the article she found on the internet about nine goats being mutilated on Olinda Road by a phantom big cat.

Bethany, ?Holy FUCK! Collins is at sleep-away camp at Pi`iholo. Think she?ll be okay??

Ivy quickly, ?She?s fine. She?s not a cow and she has a cell phone ? send her a text if you?re worried.? Ivy quickly changes the subject, ?When does Chance get home??

Ivy is referring to Bethany?s husband and Collin?s father

Bethany texting Collins, ?Not till late. He?s going to the track the next couple of nights.?

EXT. MAUI RACEWAY ? CONTINUOUS: Chance Copeland (Adam Scott-type) is in a ?cherry? black 1973 Pantera Custom Coupe. He revs the engine.


Ivy trying to lighten the mood, ?Polo?s not enough for him??

Bethany sighs, ?What can I say, he?s a fucking dilettante ? plus, it?s off season.?

Ivy sarcastically, ?All hail the Pineapple Prince.? Changing her tone, ?Hey, since you?re free-wheeling tomorrow come to Cougars Night at Cassagroovy?s with me. PLEASE???

Bethany shakes her head no

Ivy continues to mock plead, ?Puleeaase? Pretty please? It?s Rodeo Week. It?ll be fun?? She crosses her heart ??I swear.? She continues, ?Plus, I promised Jake I would survey the upper gulch on horseback with Brian and Everett next week ? I even took money.?

Ivy pulls the rumpled check out of her pants and shows it to Bethany, who?s eyes widen. She mouths the word, ?Whore?

Ivy continues, ??so as you can see, I really, truly need to get shitfaced and I need you to be my DD?

Bethany, ?Designated Driver??

Ivy, ?Yes, as I will clearly be the Designated Drunkpile?

Bethany still texting muses, ?That asshat developer Everett Sakamoto on horseback? I?d pay good money to see that!?

Ivy is pretending to pray and making pleading, whimpering sounds until Bethany says,

?Okay, okay, okay, I?ll go with ? anything to take my mind of the shit you just showed me!?

Bethany writes to Collins, ?Howzit it going? Learning anything new? Miss you. XXOO?

She presses send. Instantly Bethany?s text appears on Collin?s phone.

Collins snaps a photo of Potty pointing to Justin?s t-shirt along with the text, ?Today I learned about MC FARTS! Miss you too XXOO?

Bethany shows it to Ivy,

Ivy, ?I told you she?s fine. Now about tomorrow tonight, which of your many vehicles are we taking? I really need to arrive in style??

Bethany, ?When is you class over tomorrow??

Ivy, ?9 pm?

Bethany, ?Perfect. I?ll pick you up at 9:30. I?ll drive the Jag??

She looks Ivy up and down, ?Since it is Ladies Night is would behoove you to dress accordingly. Wanna get a mani/pedi prior ? my treat??

Ivy looking down at her crusty, luau feet, ?Uh, sure ? I guess??

Bethany, ?I?ll call Fluffy and see if she can squeeze us in?? She picks up her phone and dials ?Paws and Claws? salon.

INT. PAWS & CLAWS SALON IN MAKAWAO ? CONTINUOUS: The interior of the salon is decorated in jungle cat prints. Deena ?Fluffy? Fiola (Natasha Lyonne-type) has ?big hair.? She is wearing skintight tiger striped leggings generating major camel-toe, an orange, off the shoulder Flash Dance-era, oversized T showing a black bra underneath. She has on long dangly earrings and numerous bangle bracelets. Her look is reminiscent of a young Madonna. She picks up the phone in her long, orange talons and says in a thick New Jersey accent,

?Paws & Claws. Fluffy heah. What can I do ya for??


Bethany, ?Hey Fluff its Bethany ? got room for a couple of mani/pedis for this afternoon?? She pauses and makes disappointed face, ?Okay ? then how about tomorrow? Yes, Ivy and I? she shoots a look at Ivy?s feet, ??and for her feet you?ll need some heavy equipment.?

Ivy flips Bethany off while taking a huge hit off the still burning joint

Bethany to Fluffy, ?2:30 tomorrow?? She looks at Ivy who give the thumbs up, ?Perfect. See you then.? She hangs up

EXT. WAIU BAY IN KAUPO ? DAY: Two, twenty-something, deeply tanned Paniolos are sitting at weathered picnic table outside a rustic cabin, located next to the rocky coastline of Kaupo on Maui?s South side. The cabin is situated just above Waiu Bay where a spring weeps out of the side of the mountain creating an oasis of green in a sea of brown. They work for Kaupo Ranch and their employers own the cabin. Their horses are saddled and tied to the hitching post. Two Australian cattle dogs, Pono and Primo, are lying in the sun waiting patiently for any scraps. They are eating Hawaiian-style bento lunches and drinking ice-cold Gatorade. The sun is beating down on them.

The landscape is rocky and barren in Kaupo. This is an area that gets less than 30-inches of rain per year. The vegetation is mostly Kiawe (Mesquite) and scrub grasses. Feral pygmy goats dot the landscape. The Kaupo Gap looms nearly 10,000 feet above the scene. This landscape is in stark contrast to the lush landscape of East Maui with its forests, jungles and waterfalls. Long mysterious rock walls bisect the landscape. The dry pu`us (cinder cones) are covered with a lattice of ancient dry-land field systems where Hawaiians grew sweet potatoes. This is portion of the ancient site of Nu`u.

The paniolos finish lunch, pack up and mount their horses. As they drive 20 or so cattle they pass by ancient Hawaiian sites as well as historic ranching fences made of Kiawe posts and rusty barbed wire. This is Cody Silva and his best friend Kaimana Keahi. Cody is of Portuguese ancestry; Kaimana is Hawaiian. As they ride along the talk about their weekend plans.

Cody, ?Cougar Night tonight at Casanova?s. Wat you tink, Kaimana? You like go??

Kaimana ? after some thought, ?Shoots. Sounds good??

Cody, ?You entering in da Pu`u Wai U again dis year??

Kaimana ? after some thought, ?Yup.?

Cody, ?You sureh? You turned da registration pepeh in??

Kaimana ? after some thought, ?Yup.?

Cody, ?You sureh? You neveh forget??

Kaimana ? after some thought, ?No, I neveh forget?

Cody, ?You sureh??

Kaimana, ?Garans brah. I gave ?em to your cousin. She did ?em foh me, garans?

Finally satisfied that the reticent Kaimana is indeed entered in the rodeo Cody says,

Cody, ?Da Bull Bash dis Friday gonna be off da hook.?

Kaimana ? after some thought, ?Yup.?

Cody, ?Choke wahines from off-island??

Kaimana ? after some thought, ?Yup.?

Cody, ?Your auntie, uncle, cousin guys comin??

Kaimana ? after some thought, ?Yup. Da whole `ohana stay going??

Cody, ?Shoots, gonna be one huge pah-ty dis weeken. Choke beer, choke grinds, choke wahines ??

Kaimana ? after some thought, ?Yup. You gonna try hook up wid da kine again??

Cody ? after some thought, he smiles, ?Yup.?

Kaimana, ?Daz nuts ? Psycho Barbie ? she nuttin but trouble brah??

Cody smirking, ?Yup??

They drive the small herd past the springs at Nu`u. It is spring-fed wetland oasis of green marsh grasses. It is the nesting ground for the rare and endangered Hawaiian Stilt and other endemic sea birds. Their elaborate nests constructed out of twigs dot the surface of the shallow pond. It has also become home of the recently introduced Cattle Egret. Every night at sunset the birds flock there to roost in the trees ringing the wetland.

The water level fluctuates with the tide from 6-inches to three feet. These are anchialine ponds ? or sinkholes in the island?s karst. Being less dense than saltwater, the fresh water ?floats? on top of the saltwater lens making it potable (drinkable). It is low tide and the pond is about 100-feet in diameter. During high tide it will swell to more than three times this size. It is shallow, and the soil is a combination of sand and silt. Animals such as cattle, feral goats and deer regularly use it as a watering hole. During times of extreme drought, lesser springs in this district dry up and the population of feral and domesticate animals visiting Nu`u increases exponentially.

As they ride past, they fail to notice a set of waterlogged paw prints in the soft sand where a large predator had come down to drink during the early morning high tide. The tracks as the recede into the dense tangle of Sea Hibiscus or Hau. There is rustling in the Hau bushes send sending the flock of cattle egrets that normally roost there flying. Off in the distance we hear a feral goat bleating loudly and abruptly go silent.

EXT. THE COSTCO PARKING LOT ? DAY: A local woman of Hawaiian Chinese ancestry is being helped to her car by a Costco employee. She is in her late 70s but very spry; her wagon is loaded with bags of cat food.

Costco Employee, ?Ho, auntie, you get choke cats or wat??

Chinese Auntie smiles mysteriously but does not answer him

Costco Employee, ?Or maybe just one really, really big one??

She smiles cryptically, tips him five dollars and gets into her gold 2000 Ford Cougar and slowly drives away. As she drives off a Japanese maneki-neko or ?beckoning cat? waives out the back window

Her custom Hawaii license plate reads ?POPOKI? This is Tutu Esther ?Pua? Ching ? she definitely has toxoplasmosis.

EXT. THE TRAILS IN THE WAIHOU SPRINGS REFORESTATION AREA ? DAY: Kitty and her troop of Eco-scouts along with Kaleikoa, Rex and Justin are hiking to the spring. Along the way they pass through an area where there are numerous Blair Witch-looking structures made of branches and twigs. We hear a cacophony of forest birds singing.

Kitty to Kaleikoa, Rex and Justin, ?Maui?s answer to affordable housing.? They all laugh

Potty to Collins, ?Wamp huts. Made by Waldorfians.?

Collins slightly defensive, ?Hey, I go to Waldorf.?

Potty is wearing a Kalama Middle School T-shirt with their mascot the Black Panther. She smirks ?I know??

Collins ?Well at least we don?t have a pussy for our mascot.?

Potty, ?Right, what?s your mascot again? Some mythical beast made of bee?s wax and felt??

Collins laughs, ?No, it?s a narwhal ? the endangered unicorn of the deep?

Potty snorts, ?Fucking figures??

Collins punches her in the arm, and they go running ahead of the group squealing soon they are out of site down the trail. They stop to catch their breath. The forest is eerily quiet ? all the forest birds have stopped singing. Suddenly there is a loud screech and an endangered Hawaiian Hawk swoops down gliding over their heads cause them to shriek in terror and then double over laughing at how scared they were. They proceed down the trail oblivious that someone or something seems to be watching them from the trees high above.

There is a HUGE gnarled, rainbow eucalyptus tree in from of them.

Potty, ?Let?s hide in that tree?? Picking up several small pine cones off the ground ?We can pelt them with pine cones from there??

Collins smiles wickedly and says, ?I like the way you think? They begin scooping up pine cones and stuffing them in their pocket before climbing the tree.

As they climb the eucalyptus, the audience can see that there are distinct claw marks on the trunk of the tree facing away from the girls? perspective. The girls scramble onto a large lower limb to ambush their friends.

INT. NATIONAL MUSEUM, MEXICO CITY ? NIGHT (3 hours ahead of Hawaii) Dr. Hau is wrapping up his presentation on the ongoing work at Ek-Balam and the recently discovered Balamku to the Board of Directors at the National Museum. Pia is sitting beside the podium. He has a slide up showing a map of the locations of Ek-Balam and Balamku on the Yucatan Peninsula.

Dr. Hau, ?The most exciting find of this field season was opening up Balamku ? the Cave of the Jaguar God ? at the site of Chichen Itza (clicks to a slide showing Chichen Itza and then to one showing the entrance to Balamku). ?First discovered by farmers in 1966, it was visited by archaeologist, Vctor Segovia Pinto. Pinto noted the density of cultural materials, but for reasons unknown, chose to have the cave sealed and the records associated with the discovery vanished without a trace??

FLASHBACK ? CONTINUOUS: The archaeologist, Victor Pinto at Balamku. He is squirming on his belly through the narrow passage that leads to the first chamber of the enormous cave system. It is filled with Mayan artifacts. As he shines his light around the cave, votive statues in the shape of Mayan deities come into view. His light stops on one artifact in particular, a ?codex? style vessel ? there is a the calligraphic images of the rain gods, Chaac and Uene B`alam or ?Rain Baby? ? a baby with the hands, feet and tail of a jaguar. On the back of the vessel ? out of Pinto?s sight there is a Dog-like creature and the God of Death. Suddenly, a loud roar emanates from deep inside the cave ? startled he drops the light, everything goes black.


Dr. Hau continues, ??and Balamku remained a mystery until it was reopened in the spring of 2019.? (Clicks to a slide showing the newly discovered artifacts in situ in one of the main chambers). These artifacts remained untouched for well over 1,000 years. The cave system of Balamku consists of numerous chambers that can only be accessed via crawling through a series of narrow passages. (Clicks to a slide of 3-D modeling of one chamber). ?We are employing state-of-the-art 3-D modeling to map the system ? and the artifacts contained within ? in the greatest, possible detail.

We also are continuing our exploration and 3-D modeling of the cenote at Ek-Balam and its relationship to Hoyo Negro and the Aktun-Hu Outland Cave System. In closing, we humbly ask for this Board?s continued financial support so we can continue this important work.?

The Board members clap and nod approvingly

Dr. Hau, ?Thank you very much ? and now I?d like to introduce Dr. Pia Caldern to speak to her work with the latest in photogrammetry technology. Dr. Caldern, a visiting research scholar from the University of Barcelona working under my supervision. Her work involves the detailed, 3-D modeling of the cenotes at Ek-Balam and the caves Balamku.?

He turns and gestures for Pia to come up, ?Distinguished colleagues allow me to introduce, Dr. Pia Caldern.?

Pia, ?I want to thank the Board for the opportunity to share some of our recent discoveries at Ek-Balam and Balamku (she begins to show pictures of artifacts and cave structures) as you can see from these images, we continue to recover statuary from the cenote. These ritual objects reinforce what we know about the Olmec and Mayan belief in a watery passage into the underworld ? with a focus of the cult of the shape-shifting, were-jaguar. As you may have heard, the newly reopened site at Balamku or The Cave of the Jaguar Priest, has yielded a plethora of new information. By modeling portions of the extensive karst system, we hope to better understand how the Olmec and later the Maya utilized cenotes and the subterranean cave systems that honeycomb the Yucatan Peninsula??

Pia clicks through several slides of recent underwater finds and 3-D imaging of the cenote at Ek-Balam but fails to show or mention the recent boar?s tusk find in her presentation. While Pia is speaking, Dr. Hau?s phone vibrates. He surreptitiously checks his text messages ? it is from Luis.

The text from Luis reads, ?This little piggy came from Polynesia.? Dr. Hau raises his eyebrows in surprise.

Pia, ?So in conclusion, while our initial finds are most promising, more in-depth research is still required and for that we need the support of the museum. Please feel free talk to me about my research techniques at the reception. Thank you very much for your time.?

The board applauds and adjourns. The members head into an adjacent room for a small, catered reception. Dr. Hau and Pia follow behind. Dr. Hau holds his phone up for Pia to see Luis? text. They exchange a meaningful glance but say nothing.

EXT. THE WAIHOU SPRINGS REFORESTATION AREA ? DAY: As the remaining Eco-Scouts, Kitty, The MC FARTS, and Kaleikoa approach the fork in the trail Kaleikoa points out the eucalyptus tree where the two girls are hiding. The forest birds are oddly quiet.

Kaleikoa, ?This is a great example of a rainbow eucalyptus or Eucalyptus deglupta. Eucalyptus was first introduced to Hawaii from Australia in 1870 and the Rainbow eucalyptus was introduced to Maui in 1929. The problem is eucalyptus trees are fast growing and choke out our native species. They are so successful because their roots suck up all the water their canopy blocks out much of the height needed for the native species. They reach between 100 and 300 feet in height. They also drop a lot of branches??

He turns and points to a large tree limb on the ground, ?Never EVER camp under a eucalyptus??

Suddenly, Collins and Potty unleash a torrent of pine cones ? sending their fellow eco-scouts squealing and running in every direction to avoid the aerial onslaught.

Lala and Mahina as they run back down the path. As the trees line up there is a shadowy figure slinking between the now obvious rows ? the girls are oblivious to its sinister presence.

Kitty yells at Collins and Potty, ?Hey ? you two troublemakers ? knock it off!?

Collins and Potty jump down from their perch and roll on the ground laughing hysterically.

The girls regain their composure and they troop takes the fork leading to the spring. Justin and Rex separate from the group to check the existing traps for feral cats.

EXT. THE WAIHOU SPRINGS REFORESTATION AREA ? DAY: When they arrive at the spring the birds are singing. The eco-scouts take turns refilling their water bottles from the spring while Kitty sets out a picnic lunch.

There are a series of large, man-made caves/tunnels carved into the cliff face by the ranch in the late 1900s to tap into more water.

Kaleikoa turns to the Eco Scouts, ??Wai? is the Hawaiian word for fresh water. In Hawaiian ?Waihou? means ?wai? fresh water and ?hou? meaning ?new? ? this one of the very few perennial springs on the western slope of Mt. Haleakal?.?

Potty raises her hand, ?What does ?perreniumal? mean?? Mispronouncing the word ?perennial.?

Kaleikoa laughingly, ??Perennial? means ?year-round? ? it?s why so many feral cats moved into this area before it was fenced off.? He gestures to the weeping wall of rock behind him, ?As you can see the spring has been heavily tunneled and its water was being piped to the lower reaches of Haleakal? Ranch for livestock prior to 1909 when this area was designated the Waihou Spring Forest Reserve??

EXT. WAIHOU SPRINGS REFORESTATION AREA ? MOMENTS LATER: The MC FARTS are deep in the woods. The light filters through the dense canopy. The birds have fallen silent again. There is a loud crack and a substantial tree branch falls on the trail directly in front of them causing them to jump. They look up but fail to see what might have caused the branch to fall. As they pull the branch to the side Justin notices it is rotten on the inside ? this seems like a reasonable explanation. Justin kicks at the branch.

Justin, ?Fucking eucalyptus piece of shit??

They continue down the path to the first set of traps located by a second, smaller spring. The traps are empty ? and surprisingly, the bait is intact. This is unprecedented. They look at each other quizzically.

Rex says to Justin ?What the fuck dude? Where are all the fucking cats??

Justin shrugs his shoulder, takes out a joint and lights it, he takes a hit and passes it to Rex.

Justin says as he exhales, ?Dunno dude?cat napping??

The two men laugh and go about setting up and baiting the new traps they packed in.

EXT. WAIHOU SPRINGS REFORESTATION AREA ? MOMENTS LATER: The Eco Scouts have finished their picnic and are exploring some of the tunnels in the cliff while others are splashing around in the small pool at the base of the cliffs. Kitty and Kaleikoa are packing up for the hike out. Justin and Rex approach the picnic site. Kitty heads toward the pool at the base of the spring to round up the Eco Scouts.

Rex to Kaleikoa, ?Boss, can we talk to you for a sec??

Kaleikoa, ?Shoots, what up??

Rex, ?Traps were empty??

Kaleikoa confused, ?All of them??

Justin nods in agreement, ?Yup.?

Rex continues, ??it?s almost like something ? dunno ? scared the cats away??

Kaleikoa in disbelief, ?Cannot be. This area has one of the highest densities of feral cats on Maui??

Rex, ?Not anymore??

Justin has a delayed reaction chuckling, ?Ha ha ? scared the cats ? scaredy-cats, get it??

INT. ONE OF THE TUNNELS AT WAIHOU SPRINGS REFORESTATION AREA SPRINGS ? MOMENTS LATER: Mahina and Lala are exploring one of the tunnels cut into the cliff. Originally a naturally formed lava tube it was modified by the ranch in the late 19th century and is now big enough for them to stand upright; there is a trickle of water on the well-worn tunnel floor. As the girls explore deeper the light from the entrance behind them fades and the tunnel becomes inky black and the sounds of the voices of their fellow Eco Scouts splashing in the pool are getting fainter. Using their flashlight aps on their smart phones they move down the dark passage chiseled into the basalt. Up ahead a shaft of light appears from above. As they approach the light source, the see a huge section of the tunnel ceiling has caved in and the rubble has blocked the rest of the tunnel. A small waterfall trickles through the opening. Thick Banyan tree roots have followed the water and hang like ropes through the opening.

Lala looking up, ?Cool!?

Mahina looking forward at the blocked passage, ?Bummer?

Lala looks at the rock pile blocking the tunnel, ?Auwe!? (Hawaiian expression of despair pronounced ?au-whey?)

The girls snap a couple of pics of the waterfall and roof collapse with their phones; they turn back and rejoin their friends. They fail to notice several pre-contact petroglyphs carved in the basalt of Hawaiian warriors and several dogs on leashes.

Collins calls out when she sees them exit, ?How far in did you guys go??

Lala, ?Pretty far but there was a cave in??

Mahina finishes her sentence, ??and now it?s blocked.? She jumps down and runs over holding up her camera, ?Check it out.?

The girls gather round Mahina as she scrolls through the pics.

Kitty calls to the girls, ?Hui! Time to hele on.?

The Kitty and girls are all packed up and ready for the hike out.

Kitty to Justin and Rex, ?What? No cats for us to pack out??

Rex, ?Nope. Not this time?

Kitty, ?The eradication efforts must be working ? right??

Rex nods, ?Must be??

Kaleikoa to the troop, ?Okay Wahine Warriors, let?s go and check out the work being done by Dr. Janna Fong-Pounce, Executive Director of the Maui Forest Bird Recovery Project, K? Oh, and don?t forget I have T-Shirts for all of you??

The girls nod in agreement and they head out down the path they came in on. Rex and Justin Separate from the group.

Potty to Mahina, ?Don?t tell me ? we?re all getting MC FARTS T-Shirts??

Mahina, ?I wish?

Lala, ?No, they?re so much worse??

EXT. THE WAIHOU SPRINGS REFORESTATION AREA ENTRANCE ? DAY: When they reach the end of the trail, they are greeted by Dr. Janna Fong-Pounce (Lucy Liu-type), ? Kitty and Kaleikoa are bring up the rear

Dr. Fong-Pounce to the girls, ?Aloha kakou! Did you enjoy your hike??

Potty with feigned enthusiasm, ?It was flipping FANTASTIC?

The other scouts nod in agreement

Mahina adds, ?Except the part where you and Collins pelted us with pine cones??

Potty and Collins smile wickedly

She looks past them and says, ?Hello Kitty!?

The eco-scouts lose their shit

Kitty, ?Please ? call me Kit?

Dr. Fong-Pounce continues, ?Okay, great! I?m sure Kaleikoa and ? er ? Kit have filled you in on the Maui Forest Bird Recovery Project and our work in conjunction with the USGS reforestation efforts.?

The eco-scouts nod in unison

Dr. Fong-Pounce continues, ?We are working with the San Diego Zoo on a captive breeding program for one of Hawai?i?s most critically endangered species the Maui Parrotbill Honey Creeper or Kiwikiu. We estimate due to loss of critical habitat, the introduction of predators ? such as cats ? and avian disease carried by mosquitos there are less than 300 birds left in the wild??

The Eco Scouts made sounds of dismay.

Dr. Fong-Pounce reassures them, ?Not to worry. We have 11 breeding pairs in captivity here and are releasing them into the forest reserve once we feel confident the invasive predators have been eradicated. Want to see ?em? They?re super cute?

The girls nod excitedly and follow Dr. Fong-Pounce to MFBRP office and into the large aviary where the tiny, yellow-green Kiwikiu are darting about in ?Ohia trees.

Collins to Dr. Fong-Pounce, ?What does Kiwikiu mean in Hawaiian?

Dr. Fong-Pounce, ?Excellent question. The original Hawaiian name for these birds was lost so they are now named for the sound they make.?

We hear the Kiwikiu chirping noisily in the background.

EXT. THE WIAHO SPRINGS FOREST RESERVE AREA ? DUSK: It is late afternoon and the forest is shrouded in mist. Rex and Justin have set up their camp in the reserve and started a fire to cook their dinner. There are no bird calls and it is eerily quiet in the forest. The two men are sitting on a large log adjacent to the campfire. Rex pulls a bottle of Crown Royal Green Apple whiskey. They each take a swig off the bottle. The fire begins to crackle; there is a large, dark shape perched high up in a huge, gnarled eucalyptus about a hundred and fifty feet away from their camp.

EXT. CROSS ROAD ? DUSK: It is crepuscular. The septuagenarian from the Costco parking lot is replenishing her feral cat feeding station along the back of her property ? which borders Haleakala National Park. She slowly walks down the row of small reused, chicken pot-pie tins pulling a wagon filled with bags of cat food stopping to fill each one until she reaches an upside-down galvanized trash can lid weighted down with a rock ? she fills it with an entire bag of cat food.


EXT. MAUI STABLES KIPAHULU ? DAY: On the opposite side of the island in Kipahulu, a young woman is finishing saddling a group of horses for a 6:30 am trail ride. The Maui ranch stable is located at the base of Haleakala at about 100 above sea level. On today?s trail ride, they will ascend about 800 feet as they ride through Kaupo Ranch pasture lands on the southern side of Ohe`o Gulch overlooking spectacular waterfalls and deep, blue pools. As the tourists arrive at the stables her Australian cattle dogs (Blue Heelers) barks at the cars.

This is Catlin ?Cat? De la Rosa (Olivia Wilde-type) and her dogs Wrangler and Blue. She is an expert horsewoman, barrel racer and champion roper. She drives a dark grey Nissan Titan pickup with a bumper sticker that reads, ?If you?re going to ride my ass, then at least pull my hair? and a second one the says ?ME>u?

Cat greets her guests ? a family of four Canadians and a Japanese couple. After they exchange pleasantries and trail etiquette, they head out for a two-hour trail ride. As they ride up the gradual slopes Cat narrates ? telling the history of ranching in Hawai`i and the Hawaiian Paniolo.

Cat, ?The first cattle arrive in Hawai`i in 1793 ? five years after Captain Cook ?discovered? Hawai`i (she makes air quotes around ?discovered?). They were gifts to Kamehameha the Great from the explorer Vancouver. What most people don?t know is that Hawai`i has had a cowboy culture before Louis and Clark opened up the West. We don?t call them cowboys ? here they are known as Paniolos. The first paniolos were Spanish and Portuguese immigrants who came to Hawai`i specifically to tend to the growing herds. They brought guitars with them. Hawaiians quickly adopted this instrument and then adapted it to create the ukulele ? or ?jumping flea??

As the group nears the edge of a eucalyptus forest, her dogs begin barking excitedly with their hackles up. Cat?s horse spooks a bit shuffling nervously while tossing its head. When Cat dismounts the trail, horses stop and stand stoically. The tourists seem unaware that anything is amiss.

There is a loud trashing sound in the brush. This gets the tourists? attention

Cat turns to the tourists and says, ?You folks stay put. I?ll be right back I want to see what all the ruckus is about??

She settles her horse and walks a short distance towards the noise. As she parts the head-high Guinea grass she sees a fatally wounded Axis deer. It is a large buck ? its neck has been dislocated and there are bite marks on its throat. Cat immediately looks up into the trees as she carefully back steps away from the flailing deer. She slowly walks back and grabs a pistol from her saddle bag.

Cat tells the tourists. ?It?s a badly wounded deer ? I think some dogs got it. Trust me folks, it ain`t pretty. Please wait here ? I?m gonna to put it out of its misery.?

As she walks back to the wounded deer, despite her warning the tourists dismount and follow her. When she shoots the deer ? putting it out of its misery ? the Canadian family screams in horror while the Japanese shoot video with their phones.

She takes out her phone, snaps a photo, and sends it to Brian Tavares along with the GPS coordinates and a text that reads ?Fresh kill. You know the drill.?

Without missing a beat Cat turns to the tourists, ?The Axis deer or Chital as they are known in India is one of Maui?s many invasive species. First introduced to Hawai`i 1867, a founding population of nine were brought to Maui in 1959. Because there are no natural predators, today there are over 20,000 of them ? and now ? there?s one less??

INT. DR. PULAMA PUNDYKE?S OFFICE AT UH MAUI COLLEGE (UHMC) ? DAY: Pulama is preparing her PowerPoint presentation for her 9:00 am class. There is a knock on her office door. Two young hippie girls are standing there, one is her student, Cheshire ? the other is Sun Moon. They are heavily tattooed, dressed in hemp clothing and lots of jingly jewelry. Sun Moon has dreadlocks. They enter the office and hold out a small bundle wrapped in a tie-dyed scarf.

Sun Moon holds out the bundle, ?We found this.?

Image for postActual spear point found in 2009

Pulama takes the colorful bundle and carefully unwraps the object ? exposing the glittering green-gold obsidian spear point the size of a man?s hand. She is dumbstruck. She turns the object over in her hand; holding it up to the light she examines every angle.

Pulama slowly, ?What on earth??

Cheshire bring her back to focus, ?Dr. Pundyke, this is my roommate Sun Moon?

Pulama ?Nice to meet you, er ? Sun Moon?

Sun Moon explaining proudly, ?I named myself at the Rainbow Fest when I was three.? She puts her hand together and bows, ?Mingalaba ? that?s Burmese for have an auspicious day?

Pulama, ?Ah ? er ? okay?? She turns to Cheshire, ?Where did you say you found this??

Sun Moon interjects, ?My boyfriend, Argon, found it. We were with a bunch of friends hiking Switch Backs ? up in the crater.?

Pulama, ?Did you ? er ? Argon ? find it on the trail??

Sun Moon, ?No, we were way, way, way off trail ? Argon was free climbing when he found it. We were all drinking mushroom tea ? for, you know, stamina?

Pulama raises her eyebrows, ?Free climbing on mushroom tea off-trail, eh??

Sun Moon, ?Yah, he was halfway up a ginormous cliff ? he found it on a ledge?

Cheshire interrupts, ?We think someone must have put it there.?

Pulama looks down at the artifact, ?Me too. The question remains whom?? She looks up, ?Mind if I run some tests on it??

Cheshire looks at Sun Moon, ?Um ? er ? I guess so??

Pulama ?Not to worry, I won?t harm it in any way. I just want to source the material?

Sun Moon, ?Huh??

Pulama, ?I want to run the artifact through the college?s Energy Dispersal X-Ray Fluorescence spectrometer ? it will tell me the unique chemical signature of the obsidian, so I can identify the exact quarry it was taken from. Green obsidian is extremely rare -? She holds the spear point up to the window and sees it is nearly transparent and the olive-green glass is shot with bands of gold, she continues, ?? and this definitely ain?t local.?

Cheshire surprised, ?So it?s not Hawaiian??

Pulama holding the spear point up to the light, ?Nope, definitely not??

Cheshire to Sun Moon, ?Wow! Karma?s going to be pissed ? he got it tattooed on his rib cage ? along with ?Gift from the Gods? in Hawaiian??

Pulama raises one eyebrow and winces at the thought of this, ?Karma? How many roommates do you ladies have?

Sun Moon, ?I dunno. Like 10 or so. We?re all WWOOF-ers .?

Pulama looks confused, ?Woof-ers? Like barking dogs??

Sun Moon laughs and flips her dreads, ?No, no, no ? as in World Wide Opportunities in Organic Farming ? you, know WWOOF-ing.?

Cheshire, ?As WWOOF-ers we can travel around the globe and trade our labor for room and board. Right now, we?re WWOOF-ing at the Chakra Garden in Maliko Gulch.?

Sun Moon, ?We?re also a troupe of belly and fire dancers?? Cheshire nods and swivels her bare torso, ??available for festivals and raves?

Pulama, ?Good to know?? She turns to Cheshire ?I can get this back to you early next week??

Cheshire ?Uh, okay. Cool.?

Sun Moon bowing on her way out, ?Mingalaba?

Pulama bows slightly, ?Great ? er minga ? bye now.?

The girls jingle out the door. As soon as the door closes behind them Pulama phones Ivy. She gets her voice mail. ?I owe my soul to the company store? She hangs up without leaving a message.

She snaps a pic of it on her desk next to a photographic scale and sends it to Ivy, ?Found in Haleakala crater. Call me ASAP.?

She turns to her computer. Minimizes her PowerPoint and Googles ?Green obsidian quarries.? The number one hit is Pachuca ? the famous obsidian mine of the ancient Olmec and Maya.

?Sierra Las Navajas, known to archaeologists as ?the Pachuca obsidian source,? has been a major source of obsidian to Mesoamerican societies for more than 3000 years, producing a fine green obsidian unique in Middle America?the obsidians of Las Navajas were used in concert with obsidians from other sources, and were traded great distances across Mesoamerica.?

She picks up her office line and calls the geology department and leaves a message asking for a call back.

Within seconds Ivy calls, ?Is this a fucking hoax??

Pulama, ?I don?t think so.?

Ivy, ?Who found it?

Pulama, ?One of my student?s friend?s boyfriend.?

Ivy, ?Have you run it through the EDXRF yet??

Pulama, ?Making arrangements as we speak. Cursory web searches indicate Pachuca- on the Gulf of Mexico ? as the likely quarry. Know anyone at the National Museum??

Ivy, ?I know the Executive Director, Felix Hau. He?s P.I. at Ek-Balam and Balamku and a very high maka maka at the museum.?

Pulama, ?How well do you know him??

Ivy, ?Well, I was his field school supervisor for two seasons so we?re practically BFFs?

Pulama, ?Then send your BFF a pic and ask him what he thinks.?

Ivy, ?Done. Let me know when you get the spectrometer results, K??

Ivy shoots off a text to Dr. Hau accompanied by a pic of the spear point.

?Aloha! This was found in Haleakala Crater by a UH student. Thoughts??

Pulama?s office line begins ringing,

Pulama, ?That?s the lab ? gotta go. Bye.? She hangs up with Ivy and picks up the office line, ?Mahalo for calling me back ? can I run something through your spectrometer?? After a pause ?You?ll see when I get there.? Pause, ?Great, I?ll be right over.?

She hangs up the phone and grabs the spear point and heads out her office door.

INT. THE GEOLOGY LAB AT UHMC ? MOMENTS LATER: Pulama enters carrying the wrapped spear point. She shows it to the lab tech. He takes it from her and holds it up to the light. It flashes green and gold. He walks over to his desk where he as several rocks and crystals and picks up a green-gold obsidian statue.

The tech turns to Pulama, ?I picked this up a couple of years ago when I was in Mexico. It?s from the quarry at Pachuca.?

Pulama, ?Lucky me! Let?s see if it?s a match.?

They gently place the spear point in the Energy Dispersing X-Ray Florence (EDXRF) spectrometer, and the tech turns it on, lights flash and it begins to hum.

INT. NATIONAL MUSEUM, MEXICO CITY ? DAY: Dr. Hau and Pia are meeting with Luis to go over the DNA results when he receives Ivy?s text.

He shows his phone to Luis, ?A former grad student of mine just sent me this.? He turns to Luis and Pia, ?What?s a Pachucan spear point doing in a volcano on Maui??

Luis shaking his head, ?What?s a Polynesian boar?s tusk doing in a Mayan cenote??

Pia cryptically while filing her nails, ?Clearly, someone put them there??

Dr. Hau slightly annoyed, ?Clearly??

He texts back to Ivy, ?Found this in the Ek-Balam cenote last week. Pulp analysis indicates Polynesia.? He sends it along with a picture of the boar?s tusk.

Ivy texts back, ?WTF??? Face Time??

Dr. Hau texts back, ?Now??

Ivy, ?No I have work ? noon Hawaii time??

Dr. Hau texts the thumbs up emoji

INT. UHMC CLASSROOM ? DAY: Today?s topic in Pulama?s class Hawaii: Center of the Pacific is evidence of Polynesian diaspora and possible contact with the Americas. Pulama is lively and her enthusiasm for the topic is clear. Her students are riveted as she summarizes her lecture clicking rapidly through informative slides. Greyson Poki is sitting front and center

Pulama lecturing, ?In anthropology we take a holistic approach to understanding the past ? by examining living populations and cultures, linguistic drift, analysis of stylistic shifts, as well as using hard science such as looking at DNA evidence ? we are able to paint a more nuanced picture. When studying the Polynesian diaspora ? or the movement of people, goods and ideas throughout the Pacific ? we have several lines of compelling evidence providing support for a South East Asian origin.

For example, DNA taken from living populations of Polynesians indicate they are closely related to the ancestral Taiwanese. Commensal plants and animals ? except for the sweet potato ? also indicate an Old World origin. Radiometric dating of Lapita pottery using thermoluminescence provides dates for early settlement in Indonesia. When it comes to the question of Polynesian contact with the Americas there are several lines of evidence that cannot be explained away. The presence of the sweet potato or umara raises a lot of questions. Sweet potatoes show up in Polynesia fully domesticated two thousand years ago and all potatoes originated in the Andes Mountains of South America.

In 1947, the Norwegian Ethnographer, Thor Heyerdahl, set sail on the Kon-Tiki to prove that Peruvian fishermen ? lost at sea ? must have introduced the sweet potato to Polynesia. In an attempt to totally discredit the fact that Polynesian voyagers ? who were navigating the Pacific Ocean when Europe was a backwater, finding tiny islands such as Rapa Nui ? easily found the really big island of America. They would have run right into it! Auwe!?

The class laughs

Greyson raises his hand, ?So the Molokai Sweet potato originally came from South America? You surah??

Pulama, ?Yup. Have any of you ever noticed the net like features covering all the pu`u in Kaupo?

The students look quizzically several of them shaking their heads no.

She puts a picture of them up on the screen, ?These are sweet potato fields and are an excellent example of biomimicry; they are modeled after the way rainwater travels down coconut tree bark. Theses sweet potato patches were made using an o`o ? or digging stick ? so when one filled with rain it would overflow to the ones below ??

Student, ?I always thought those were made by cows??

Pulama smiles, ?They?d have to be extremely well-organized cows!?

The class laughs

Greyson interjects, ?The Kumulipo says they were made by Kamapua`a?

Pulama, ?Pololei. I?m so glad you brought that up. Greyson is 100% correct ? according to the creation chant they were made by the banished lover of Pele, the Pig God Kamapua`a.

She pauses, ?But surely I digress? Other evidence of Polynesian contact with the Americas includes the spatial analysis of plank sewn canoes along with compelling linguistic evidence. As you can see from this slide, the only places in the world where plank sewn canoes are found are Indonesia, Micronesia, Polynesia, Chile and California and there are linguistic similarities between the Chumash word for canoe and the South American word for sweet potato. There?s also an island just off the California named ?Lemu? ? the Hawaiian word for seaweed. There?s even oral history of a carved canoe from the Pacific Northwest hidden in a lava tube high up the slopes of Mauna Kea.?

Student 1, ?A carved canoe??

Pulama, ?Ae, it?s supposed to look like a Haida or Tlingit canoe ? you know, the totem pole peeps.?

Student 2, ?Why in the world would they put a canoe in a lava tube??

Pulama to Student 2, ?Many high-status burials in Hawaii are canoe burials ? Forbes Cave is a classic example ? but with a traditional Hawaiian dugout canoe.?

Student 1, ?Why would they need a canoe??

Pulama to Student 1, ?I guess they thought they were going somewhere.? She says to the class, ?Never underestimate what power and control can manifest under the guise of religion. Just look at the pyramids constructed at Giza during the Old Kingdom for example ? talk about a monumental waste of resources.? She slaps her palm on her forehead, ?Auwe! That?s one way to be sure the looters know where the treasure is. It?s like a blinking neon sign screaming ?In case you were wondering, it?s right here?.?

The class laughs.

Pulama continues, ?The pyramid tradition ended and by the time we get to the New Kingdom, Egyptian Pharoses went to great length to keep their burials secret ? like King Tut?s tomb. Same is true here in Hawai`i ? the location of important burials is kept secret and the information dies with the individual in charge of the royal internment. Looting seems to be a cultural constant.?

The class is riveted

Pulama continues, ?If you enjoy archaeology, I would highly recommend you take a class from Dr. Rhodes. Okay, back to Polynesia??

INT. IVY?S HOUSE ? DAY: Ivy is sitting in front of her computer Face Time Dr. Hau. Her Australian Sheep dog, Lucky, has returned unscathed and is lying by her feet. He has one blue-eye and one brown.

Ivy, ?Some UHMC students found it while hiking off trail in the crater.?

Dr. Hau, ?Have you sourced the material??

Ivy, ?It?s definitely from Pachuca.?

Dr. Hau, ?Do you think it could be a hoax??

Ivy, ?No. They actually have footage of their friend finding it. Here, I?ll forward the clip to you. Trust me, these folks are NOT professional actors. See for yourself.? She copies a link and sends it to Dr. Hau.

The link opens, and Dr. Hau watches the footage Karma and his band of Merry Pranksters shot of the find. They are high on magic mushroom tea and, after wiping the encrusted dirt from one side the spear point, they hold it up in the sunlight. It is dazzling green obsidian shot with streaks of gold.

Dr. Hau, ?Could it be a percolate??

Ivy, ?Could be, there are tons of burial caves up there??

Dr. Hau, ?Have you seen it in person??

Ivy, ?Not yet??

Dr. Hau, ?What about obsidian hydration??

Ivy, ?Yeah, I thought about that ? but I?d have to send it off island to have it tested ? along with the fact it?s pretty pricy??

Dr. Hau, ?We can do it here for you ? for free.?

Ivy, ?That would be fucking awesome! Let me text Pulama.? She sends off a text

Dr. Hau holding up the boar?s tusk, ?What do you make of this??

Ivy raises her eyebrow, ?More evidence of Polynesian contact??

Dr. Hau, ?Well we know for sure that the Olmec and Maya weren?t open ocean voyagers and, while pigs are strong swimmers, I don?t think they crossed the Pacific??

Ivy, ?Are you thinking what I?m thinking??

Dr. Hau, ?Yes, part of a transported landscape. The real questions are who transported it here ? when and why??

Ivy?s phone receives a text. It?s from Pulama and reads, ?OMG! Fantastic news. I?ll be in my office all afternoon. Swing by and grab it?

Ivy to Dr. Hau, ?Pulama?s down with testing. So ? send it to the museum??

Dr. Hau, ?Overnight it and be sure to mark it URGENT ? and to my attention.?

Ivy, ?Done.?

EXT. RODEO ARENA ? DAY: Cat De la Rosa is at the Oskie Rice Arena in Makawao. There is a scattering of spectators in the bleachers. She is about to attempt her qualifying ride in barrel racing. She enters the starting gate, waves to the onlookers. The announcer with a thick pidgin accent is the color commentator.

?Our next competetah is Maui?s own Cat De la Rosa on her leo Neko? Dese two are da ones to beat. Chee Hoo!?

Cat and Neko charge out of the gate at the drop of the white flag. Clearly a crowd favorite, her ride is clean, and her slack time easily qualifies her for Saturday?s annual rodeo.

INT. FEDEX OFFICE ? DAY: Ivy hands a small, overly wrapped package to the clerk. It is addressed to the National Museum, Attention Dr. Felix Hau. It is marked URGENT

Ivy, to the clerk, ?So it will be there tomorrow ? correct??

The clerk nods in agreement and tosses the package into the mail bag ?Yup. It?s going out on this afternoon?s flight??

Ivy snaps a picture of the tracking number and sends it to Dr. Hau with a text reading ?Arriving tomorrow?

EXT. LAHAINA HARBOR ? DAY: A 37? Merritt sport fisher named TOP DOG, is backing into its slip. There is a 500+ lb. Marlin on its deck and there are several mahi mahi in the fish bag. The 40-ish captain is stoic and his female deckhand is too cool to show much emotion. This is Captain Roy ?Roy-Boy? Barker (Matthew McConaughey-type) originally from Corpus Christi, TX but has been on Maui for 7 years. Roy-Boy is Cat?s boyfriend. His deckhand is a six-foot, blonde Glamazon known as Linda ?Big-Rig? Perro (Blake Lively-type). She moved to Maui from San Diego to surf when she was 17.

Conversely, their sunburned charter is ecstatic. The four men are whooping and high fiving as they pull into Slip 6 ? clearly, they have been drinking in celebration. Big-Rig secures the boat and the charter unloads. Roy-Boy and Big-Rig hook a rope around the marlin?s tail and hoist it up to weigh it. Photos are taken with the proud angler. Big-Rig expertly fillets one of the mahi mahi for the charter. When she hands them a big bag of filets, they slip her a wad of cash.

Drunken charter member, ?Big-Rig you?re the best-est fisherman ? er ? fisherwoman in all of Hawai`i?

Big-Rig, ?Mahalo dude ? but the captain helped a little!

Second Charter member, ?Watching him back down on the marlin was fucking nutz!?

Big-Rig, ?Yup, Captain Barker?s the real deal. Hey, enjoy that fish ? but remember don?t overcook it. 4 minutes a side MAX on the thick filets. Got it??

They nod. As the charter turns and walks away with their bag of filets, we hear one of the other charter members say, ?I?d like to tap that ass ? I see where she gets her nickname ? that is one Big Beautiful Rig.?

A second charter member responds, ?Dude, she?d string you up like that marlin??

Third charter member, ??and gut you like that mahi?

To which he responds besotted, ?Just might be worth dying for dude??

They all nod and laugh in agreement. Big-Rig take the carcass she just fileted and hangs it over the side of the boat by a rope, so it is just below the waterline. Roy-Boy and Big-Rig wash down and then dry the rods and reels before putting them away.

Roy-Boy, ?They tip us??

Big-Rig, ?$150?

Roy-Boy, ?Each??

Big-Rig, ?Yup?

Roy-Boy, ?Sweet! Can you make calls and sell the mahi, Rig??

Big-Rig, ?Shoots. You gonna smoke to the marlin??

Roy-Boy, ?Yup?

Big-Rig, ?Cool, save me a bag or two??

Roy-Boy, ?You got it, Rig.?

Big-Rig puts down the hose and pulls out her cell. She calls a number she has on speed dial.

Big-Rig, ?Hey Tiffanie, it?s Big-Rig from Top Dog. How you sweetheart?? (Pause for response) ?Good, good? Hey, you folks need some mahi today?? (Pause for response) ?Cool. Roy-Boy will drop ?em off.? (Pause for response), ?K, sounds good ? I?ll let him know. Much mahalos!? She turns and gives Roy-Boy a thumbs up.

After the charter leaves in a taxi, Big-Rig takes the fish bag with the mahi and puts it in the back of Roy-Boy?s truck. The white, Toyota Tacoma has ?Top Dog Sportfishing? in block letters written down each side and a cartoon image of a Pitbull wearing sunglasses on its doors. He backs the truck up to the hoist and before he and Big-Rig load the marlin he cuts off the bill.

Big-Rig to Roy-Boy, ?Polli?s gonna take all the mahi. Just ask for Tiffany.?

A passing group of tourists stop. One asks Roy-Boy, ?What are you going to do with the ? ah ? snout??

Roy-Boy, ?Throw ?em on my roof.?

The tourist is perplexed, ?Why???

He continues without looking up, ?Flies will lay eggs on it and then the maggots will clean out the sinuses for me.? The tourists are clearly grossed out, Roy-Boy continues, ?In about a month I can take ?em down, varnish ?em to make a trophy mount.? He turns to the tourist, ?Did you know Captain Cook was killed with the ? a snout ? of a marlin??

The tourists gravely shake their heads ?no? in unison.

Roy-Boy picks up the bloody bill and holds it up, ?Yup, Hawaiians stabbed him in the heart at Kealakekua Bay??

The now-horrified tourists scurry off.

INT. POLLI?S MEXICAN RESTAURANT, MAKAWAO ? DAY: A Maui institution since the 1970s, the sign outside reads, ?COME ON IN OR WE?LL BOTH STARVE.? Several cowboys are sitting at the bar nursing beers, doing shots, eating chips and flirting with the aging waitresses. Surf videos of monster wave at Jaws are showing on several big screen TVs. Cody Silva and Kaimana Keahi are sitting at the bar eating freshly made, warm chips with pineapple/mango salsa and ?killah? guacamole. An older cowboy is talking animatedly to the bartender,

Drunk Unko (Silvio Teixeira), ?It was one BIG popoki ? garans? I when see ?em with mine own two eyes??

The bartender is busy washing glasses

Cody Silva snorts, ?Unko, you stay drunk already??

The older cowboy slams his hand on the bar commanding the attention of everyone in the immediate vicinity.

Drunk Unko (Silvio Teixeira), ?I when see em with mine own eyes?was ele?ele (black) too!?

He holds his gnarled hands up like a cat showing its claws and hisses menacingly. The bar erupts in laughter at his imitation. He fails to see the humor and hissing again as the bartender sets another shot in front of him.

Roy-Boy walks through the front door of Polli`s restaurant with a 30lb+ Mahi in each hand and announces loudly to the bartender,

?Fresh fish delivery. Where?s Tiff??

Tiffany comes out of the kitchen and gestures for Roy-Boy to follow her. Through opening where the food comes up, there is a very attractive, 30-something Hispanic man with classic Mayan features and almond-shaped eyes cooking on the line. He has large Spondylosis shell ear spools and tattooed ?sleeves? on both arms of what look like reptile scales.

Roy-Boy to Tiffany gesturing to the cook, ?Who dat dude??

Tiffany, ?That?s Chaac ? our new Executive Chef. Polli hired him to help us up our game. She?s hoping to make bank?

Roy-Boy, ?He don?t look like a Chuck?

Tiffany carefully enunciating, ?No ? CHALK? She picks up a piece of chalk next to the daily specials board, ?I guess it?s Mayan or something. He?s just moved here from Tulum. Word has it he?s relocating his whole family; his nephews get here next week.?

Roy-Boy, ?Tulum huh? That should make for some authentic Mexican cuisine.?

Roy-Boy walks into the kitchen extends his hand to Chaac, ?Roy Barker ? captain of the Top Dog.

Chaac turns and stares at his outstretched hand for a moment before shaking it. He says no emotion in a thick Hispanic accent, ?Chaac ? rainmaker.?

Roy-Boy snorts thinking he?s joking, ?Good luck with that brah. Where you want these bad boys??

Chaac silently motions toward the walk-in cooler. After depositing the fish in the kitchen, he collects his cash from Tiffany and takes a seat at the bar next to Cody and Kaimana. They are all friends and they great him with the usual

Cody, ?Roy-Boy! Howzit brah??

Kaimana, ?Nice mahis??

Roy-Boy smiling nods thanks, ?You see the new dude in the kitchen??

Cody, ?The brother with all the tats??

Roy-Boy, ?Yea ? and the ear thingys??

Kaimana, ?Spools.?

Roy-Boy, ?What?s his deal? He kinda seems like a dick??

Cody, ?Dunno. He looks like one badass cage fighter?

Kaimana, ?Polli met him on vacation in Mexico.?

Changing the subject, Roy-Boy flashes his newly acquired roll of bills, says to the bartender,

Roy-Boy, ?Set us up?

Three shots of tequila accompanied by draft beers instantly appear.

Cody asks Roy-Boy, ?Where?s Cat??

Roy-Boy ?Sunset ride.?

Cody, ?You hitting Casanova?s later? It?s Cougar Night.?

Roy-Boy ?Nah, nah ? got a charter in the morning? Gesturing to the marlin in his truck outside ?And I gotta set up da smoker tonight. You??

Cody, ?Yup, me and da boyz gonna represent.?

Roy-Boy shaking his head, ?Cody and Kaimana on the prowl? Scared already!?

He slams the shot and downs his beer. After paying his tab, he leaves a $10 tip for the bartender saying,

Roy-Boy, ?Mahalo nui?

The bartender nods and flashes the shaka ?A hui hou??

Roy-Boy high fives ?da boyz? and leaves the restaurant. He exits the Polli?s parking lot and turning his truck up Olinda Road.

EXT. ROY-BOY?S TRUCK ? MOVING: Huge eucalyptus trees line Olinda Road creating a cavernous feel. He honks and waives out the window as he passes the Oskie Rice Rodeo Arena. There are numerous trucks and livestock trailers parked there as the rodeo trials are being held today and tomorrow. A few moments later he pulls into his driveway. The tail of the 500 lb. marlin is sticking out of the back.

EXT. THE HALEAKALA RANCH STABLES ? DAY: Cat is getting ready to head out on her sunset trail ride. She has a private tour for two ?expert riders.? She carefully reloads her pistol, and after some thought she grabs a coiled whip puts in her saddle bag alongside her gun. The tourists arrive. The middle age couple dressed in English riding garb. She grabs her phone off the charger and steps outside to greet the ?experts.?

Cat, ?Aloha! I?m Cat and I will be your trail guide this afternoon.? They nod hello to her, she continues ?Where you folks visiting from??

Female tourist, ?Princeton?

Cat, ?Where?s that??

Male tourist snootily, ?New Jersey ? but we?ve been coming here for nearly ten years. We have a time share at the Westin?

Cat with a hint of sarcasm, ?Well then, you?re practically native??

Female tourist not picking up on Cat?s dig, ?We?d like to think so??

The tourists wander over to the horses Cat has saddled approaching them from the rear ? the husband barely misses being viciously kicked. Cat shakes her head, clearly, they are clueless about horses.

She mutters under her breath as she cinches her saddle, ?Kill me fucking now??

EXT. ROY-BOY AND CAT?S HOUSE ? DAY: Roy-Boy pulls his truck into the carport. The forest birds chirping in the gulch. He gets out, puts in his waterproof, ear buds and starts to rock out. He grabs the marlin bill out of the back of the truck. He leans a ladder against the single-story dwelling ? numerous large marlin tails are nailed to the side of the carport. He climbs up to the tin roof of the attached carport ? it is littered with bills covered with buzzing flies. He places the latest trophies on the roof and comes back down the ladder and begins processing the marlin.

EXT. MAKENA BEACH ? DAY: It is just before sunset. An ulua (Jack Trevally) fisherman is paddling out over the reef on his longboard. He is towing his 60 lb. line and baited hook over the reef. When he reaches the edge, drops the lead attached a hook baited with a large chunk of ika (squid). It slowly sinks into the deep, blue depths below. Back on shore, he reels in the slack line, places the graphite rod in a white PVC pipe holder that is cemented into the lava and attaches a large cowbell. Similar set ups are up and down the beach. The tip of the rod bounces with the tug of the surf. He settles into a beach chair and cracks a Budweiser from his cooler. This is Morris Pavao.

EXT. ROY-BOY AND CAT?S HOUSE- MOMENTS LATER: Roy-Boy goes over to the smoker and adds some wet kiawe (mesquite) chips to the smoldering embers. They land with a hiss. He puts several large, Ziploc bags of filets into the freezer in the carport. He loads several trays of marlin into the smoker. He takes the remaining viscera, skin and bones and places them in a black plastic bag he ties shut and deposits in the fish bag in the back of the truck. In the morning he plans to dump the grizzle offshore. By now he is covered in fish slime and blood so he ?drops trow? and hops into the outdoor shower. The birds have stopped chirping.

EXT. UHMC ? DUSK: The sun is setting as Dr. Ivy Rhodes zips her Jeep into the UH Maui College parking lot and walks briskly to class. She is clutching her perennial cup of coffee. She is teaching Introduction to Archaeological Methods this summer to 20 or so students.

INT. UHMC CLASSROOM ? CONTINUOUS: As she enters, she says

Ivy, ?Aloha class! Ready to rock??

The majority of her class smiles back and nods enthusiastically ? some ignore her and are busy texting. She pushes an attendance sheet towards the closest student, who signs in and then passes it to the next student. Inanea Apana is in her class. Ivy hooks her laptop up to the projector and opens her PowerPoint presentation entitled ?Dating Techniques.? There is a cartoon of two people on a romantic candlelight date below the title.

?For the purposes of this introductory course, we will discuss dating techniques that fall into two categories. The first is chronological or absolute dating and, the second is relative dating ? and when I say relative dating, I am NOT talking about dating your uncle!?

The class chuckles at her joke. Ivy smiles and continues,

?Let?s begin with a common form of chronological or absolute dating, Carbon 14 dating. An absolute form of dating Carbon 14 or as it is commonly known, C-14 gives us a calendric date ? in other words it gives us a number, for example 10,000 years ago + or ? 150 years. One of the main things to remember is that C-14 dating only works on things that were once alive; anything that had cellular respiration ? anything that ?breathes?

A student in the front row hand shoots up. Ivy says,

?Yes, Jeffery??

Jeffery is in his late 40s, is wearing a puka shell necklace and a lavender windbreaker, when not in class he drives a purple moped and ?is putting the band back together,? he asks,

Jeffery, ?Like a shark??

Ivy, ?Yes Jeffery, exactly like a shark. Anything that was once alive??

His hand shoots up again

?Yes, Jeffery??

Jeffery, ?Like a tree??

Ivy, ?Yes Jeffery, anything that had cellular respiration??

Jeffery, ?Like a shell??

Ivy, ?Yes Jeffery ? a shell is part of a creature that was once alive??

Ivy is relieved to see another hand go up near the back. This student is in her late 60s and dressed like a sparkly gypsy,

?Yes Zara??

Zara, ?Professor Rhodes, what exactly is the evolutionary evidence for mermaids?

Inanea, who is seated behind Zara, draws a handgun and holds the paper gun to her head in mock suicide

Ivy ignores this question and tries not to laugh at Inanea ?s drawing, ?Moving on to another form of dating that can yield absolute and/or relative dates, obsidian hydration. This is an intra-site technique using an electron microscope to measure the hydration rind found on obsidian tools found at the same site. The larger the rind, the older the artifact might be relative to the context it was found. Think about when you find an old bottle and it?s all milky and has a rainbow patina ? this is the glass taking on moisture over time and decomposing.? (She holds up an old soda bottle with a Lahaina Soda Work label stenciled in green) Here?s a bottle I found diving in the Lahaina roadstead? (she hands it to a student), ??pass it around and check out the cool patina.?

She continues, ?So the same principle is at work on a chunk of volcanic glass ? an amorphous solid ? made into a projectile point, the newly exposed tool edge would start decomposing by taking in water at a more or less constant rate. This results in the formation of a water rich hydration rind that increases in depth over time. By measuring the rind archaeologist can determine which tools are older on any given site. The older the tool the greater the rind.? She shows slides of obsidian projectile points and close ups of a hydration rind

Several students have their heads down

Ivy states emphatically, ?This WILL be on the mid-term.?

Heads all pop up

INT. MAKAWAO CASSANOVA?S ? NIGHT: Cat De la Rosa is holding court at the bar. She is drinking a shot of tequila alongside a lilikoi margarita rimed with bright pink lihing mui powder instead of salt. She is flanked by her calabash cousins Cody and Kaimana and is being served by her close friend and Casanova?s bartender, Stacy Sage (Kathryn Hahn-type) also known as ?Worst Case Stace? due to her uncanny ability to predict future, horrific events. Thanks to Stacy, Cat and the boyz are feeling no pain.

EXT. CASSANOVA ? MOMENTS LATER: A nearly full moon is rising over Haleakala. Thursday night is ?Cougar Night? at Casanova?s Restaurant and Bar. Because today was the official start of the annual Fourth of July Rodeo, the place is packed with a waiting line stretching into the parking lot. Bethany and Ivy pull up in a black, self-parking Jaguar SUV with a vanity plate that reads SWMBO. Hall and Oat?s ?Man-eater? just started playing loudly in the club.

?She?ll only come out at nightThe lean and hungry type

Much to the chagrin of other would-be patrons, they are waived to the front of the line by the bouncer.

Once inside they are warmly greeted by Cat and the cowboys.

Cat, ?Hell-loha bitches!?

Ivy and Bethany sidle up to the bar

Ivy acknowledges the cowboys greeting each with a nod, ?Cody ? Kaimana ? I can see you?re feeling no pain??

Cat to the Stacy, ?Hey Stace, set these girls up? she winks at Stacy, ?? and put it on Sterling?s tab.?

Stacy, gestures toward Cat?s beverages and says to the girls, ?Same??

Ivy, ?Same.? Bethany nods in agreement

Stacy sets two shots of tequila on the bar and starts to make the margaritas.

Ivy, ?Mahalo Stace ? or should I say Sterling??

The owner of the club, Sterling Silva, an older cowboy in his mid-sixties is seated with a much younger girl at the end of the bar along with Jake Steinway and Everett Sakamoto. Ivy waves. Sterling, Jake and Everett nod back raising their glasses

Ivy raises her shot and continues under her breath. ?What you don?t know won?t kill you, but what I know just might give Jake and Everett a fucking coronary??

Ivy to Cat, ?Where?s your boy toy Roy-Boy??

Cat, ?Nice alliteration. He?s in bed. He dropped me off ? early morning buoy run tomorrow?

Cat to Bethany, ?Think I can catch a ride home??

Bethany, ?Of course.?

Cody, ?They get choke fish today. I saw him sell a couple of fat mahi mahi to Polli?s?

Kaimana slurs, ?I like try oof his deckhand??

Cody looking Ivy up and down carnivorously, ?Where your ol` man stay??

Ivy turns to him, ?I sent him packing.?

Cody making googly eyes at Ivy, ?So?get chance??

Ivy playfully punches him in the arm, ?Kodiak?s in Alaska for the summer making bank ? like he does every season. You know that ? now fuck off?

EXT. AN ALASKAN FISHING BOAT ? DAY: A gorgeous hunk in foul weather gear is working the lines on a salmon trawler several miles offshore in rough seas this is Kodiak Hansen (Chris Harmsworth-type) he is of Norwegian ancestry.

INT. CASSANOVA?S ? CONTINUOUS: Cat responding to Kaimana, ?Ooof Big-Rig? I?d like to see you try. She?d eat you alive Kaimana. Shit ? there?d be nothing left but teeth and toenails. Plus, you?d have Kama to deal with??

Kaimana sighs wistfully, ?Kama? I thought they were pau?? He pauses, ?I still like chance ?em??

Bethany to Ivy, ?Tell Cat about your new job and what you did today.?

Ivy rolls her eyes, ?I took a job from Jake. Oh, and a helicopter ride to the Peanut House.?

Cat shocked, ?What happened to your high moral standards and refusal to work for ?developer douchebags?? She makes air quotes around ?developer douchebags?

Ivy explains, ?I need money and he needs an archeological survey for his zip line so it?s a win-win kinda thing??

Stacy places the margaritas in front of Ivy and Bethany and says to Ivy, ?It?s an unholy alliance that will not end well??

Ivy takes a sip of margarita, ?Worst Case Stace ? always spreading her own special brand of sunshine!?

Stacy smiles, ?Don?t say I didn?t warn you?? she turns and heads to the other end of the bar

Bethany to Ivy, ?Tell her about the other thing??

Ivy to Cat, ?It?s complicated. I saw -? She pauses takes a sip of her margarita, ?- I shit you not ? a text from your uncle to Jake showing a mutilated cow carcass.?

Cat a little too startled, ?What the fucking fuck??

Ivy a little surprised at Cat?s reaction, ?You heard me? she takes another sip of her drink, ?They tried to hide it from me, but I saw it reflected in the windshield ? and, dude ? it was fucking GRUESOME!?

Cat regains her composure and is dismissive, ?You?re high Ivy.?

Ivy taking in Cat?s reactions decides not to push it, ?You?re right Cat, I am? They high five.

Cody to Bethany, ?Tink I get one chance wid your frien?? nodding towards Ivy

Bethany bluntly, ?No?

Cody defeated, ?Dang??

Ivy turns toward the group and lifts her glass, ?Rodeo week! Yee ? fucking- Ha!?

Bethany, Cat, Cody and Kaimana raise their glasses and make assorted whooping noises. The women turn on their barstools to survey the room. The dance floor is packed with drunken rodeo participants. Bethany spies two handsome Hawaiian strangers on the dance floor and turns to Cody and Kaimana and asks,

Bethany, ?You know those two kane??

Cody, ?Nope. Nevah seen ?em befoah.?

Kaimana, ?Must be from Big Island.?

She turns to Ivy, ?You?re the research scientist go ?discover? who those guys are, okay??

Ivy shrugs, slams her shot and says to Bethany, ?Fine, I?ll go conduct informal and highly unethical ethnographic research on your behalf. What would your poor, trusting husband say??

Bethany smiles angelically, ?While the cat?s away??

Cat thinks she hears her name, ?What?s happening??

Ivy sings along to Maneater, ?Watch out boys, she?ll chew you up??

But before Ivy heads to the dance floor ?Maneater? is ending and the two strange, cowboys head towards the bar where she is sitting. ?The Lion Sleeps Tonight? is playing as they approach.

?In the jungle, the mighty jungleThe lion sleeps tonight??

As they walk up behind Ivy, Cat and Bethany they begin sniffing the air.

Ivy turns, and they abruptly stop sniffing, ?Howzit boyz? Here for the rodeo??

Koa cocks his head to the side while he lazily scratches his washboard abs, ?Yup. You??

Ivy, ?Nope. Lucky me, I live just down the street.? She takes a sip of her drink, ?Where you boyz from??

Ikaika cocks his head to the side, ?We live and work on da ranch.? He turns his attention to Stacy, ?Two Salty Dogs ? make ?em doubles, k??

Stacy under her breath as she pours the drinks, ?I don?t see this ending well??

Ivy, ?Haleakala ranch? I thought I knew everyone who works there.? She turns to Cat, and whispers, ?You know these two??

Cat shakes her head no and mouths, ?Nope?

Koa, ?We don?t get out dat much. We?re tied up at da ranch a lot?

Cody, ?So who?s your boss on the ranch??

Ikaika, ?Brian Tavares.?

Cat, ?He?s my uncle.?

Koa, ?We know all about you??

Cat, ?You do??

Ikaika looking at her cryptically, ?Yup?

Stacy delivers their drinks, ?Two, double dogs. $20 bucks?

Koa pulls some crumpled bills out of his pocket and hands them to Stacy. He turns to Cat, ?Your uncle keeps us on a short leash.?

Ikaika scratching behind his ear, licks the salt from the rim of his drink, ?A very, very short leash??

Ikaika?s voice trailing off as two young, attractive, young local girls saunter by smiling flirtatiously at the cowboys.

Koa to the passing girls, ?Ho! Slow down ladies ? where da fire.?

Eileen purrs, ?Do I know you??

Koa grinning, ?You do now, Koa.? He extends his hand

Eileen extends her hand, ?Eileen? she introduces her friend ??and this is Rose.?

Ikaika barks, ?Ikaika?

Koa takes Eileen?s hand and raises it up to his face slowly sniffing it before planting a kiss. He looks up and makes intense eye contact ?Buy you wahines one cocktail??

The girls nod hypnotically and they all head to the back bar

Cat sighs, ?Ugh, men are such fucking dogs.

Bethany sighs, ?Agreed. They?d fuck a pig in a monkey suit if the light was right??

Cat and Ivy snort into their drinks

Ivy, ?Tell us what you really think??

Cat, ?Okay, you know what?s worse that Michael Jackson beating it?? She pauses and sings, ?Come (cum) on Eileen??

Ivy takes a minute to get the joke, ?Good God! You?re SO fucking gross.?

Cat, ?You know you love it??

Ivy changes the subject, ?What?s with the weird sniffing??

Bethany, ?Allergies??

Cat, ?Adderall??

Ivy, ?Patchouli??

Stacy wiping the bar says definitively, ?Cocaine??

The three women laugh and raise their margaritas.

Cat gives a toast, ?Okole maluna ? bottoms up bitches.?

The song Stray Cat Strut comes on

?Black and orange stray cat sittin? on a fence I ain?t got enough dough to pay the rent?

Ivy to Cat and Bethany, ?Ladies??

?I?m flat broke but I don?t care I strut right by with my tail in the air??

The girls all strut to the dance floor.

EXT. CASANOVA?S ? NIGHT: It?s closing time at Casanova?s. Cat, Bethany and Ivy are leaving they wave goodbye to Stacy who is putting away her bar. Bethany is more-or-less sober, but Cat and Ivy are clearly wasted.

Stacy yells out, ?Safe travels ladies ? keep an eye out for roadblocks and falling rocks!?

As they pile into the Jag, the audience sees Ikaika taking a piss on a tree near the back of the parking lot. He is standing on one leg with the other slightly lifted. As soon as he finishes, Koa pisses on the same spot in the same way. Eileen and Rose are nowhere in sight

Bethany yells back to Stacy as she opens the Jag doors, ?? don?t forget hard cocks.?

Ivy hops into the passenger seat and turns to Bethany says, ?Charming?truly?You should be proud.? Cat gets in the backseat and they drive off.

EXT. MAKENA BEACH ? NIGHT: It?s the middle of the night. Morris is slouched in the chair snoring ? he has several crumpled beer cans next to him. Suddenly the cow bell begins to clang wildly ? waking up the other fisherman up and down the beach. He bolts upright and sees the line screaming off the reel.

One of the neighboring fishermen ? seeing the rate the line is being pulled out ? yells excitedly, ?Hanapa`a! Ho brah ? das one BIG un!!!?

Morris removes the rod from the holder and begins to fight the monster fish while the others gather to look on.


[1] All 2003 news articles are real, taken off the web verbatim by the author.


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