7 Ways that INTJ Women are Different When it Comes to Dating

7 Ways that INTJ Women are Different When it Comes to Dating

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So you have your eye on an INTJ woman? Well congratulations! INTJ women are rational, easy-going, avoid drama, and are committed to what?s important in life.

This may sound idillic, but the truth is that most men aren?t willing to stay past the dating phase with us (which makes dating so challenging for INTJ?s, including men but especially women). Most men say that they want a woman who is intelligent, strong-willed, growth-oriented, and confident, and they may sincerely mean it when they say it, but the fact is that the majority of men are attracted to women who mostly embody the more stereotypical feminine qualities like emotional, bubbly, nurturing, warm, and flirty ? qualities that INTJ women blow out of the water.

In other words, it takes an extraordinary man who?s very secure in his own skin to truly connect and maintain a relationship with an INTJ woman.

Having said all that, here?s a list of things to know when you?re dating that rare breed of a woman:

  1. The INTJ woman is a creature unlike any other

Women with the INTJ personality type really are rare (0.8% of the population are INTJ females) and while uniqueness is a wonderful thing, it does have its pitfalls. INTJ women tend to be honest, capable, intellectually deep, and more intelligent than the average person, and the majority of people have a hard time keeping up with that ? especially given that these traits are traditionally considered to be more male characteristics.

Don?t get me wrong ? INTJ women are emotional beings and we are passionate and committed to those we love ? we simply don?t display those traits as our default.

2. We are fiercely independent

If you need a woman who?s clingy, always checking in, googly eyed, and wants to spend every waking moment with you, then the INTJ woman is not the one for you. Don?t get me wrong ? there is absolutely nothing wrong with those traits and many women embody them, but not the INTJ.

INTJ women value freedom. That doesn?t mean that we won?t offer emotional support or won?t listen to you ? far from it. But we are ourselves driven and independent. We want a partner who will balance us out with their more endearing qualities, yet be an equal on many other levels ? not someone who needs a constant ego stroking.

The INTJ as a personality type is the most independent of them all and we do need our space. When you do spend time with her, it will be of a higher quality (and when you do need that emotional support ? we will give it to you).

3. We value intelligence more than any other type

One characteristic that we are unwavering about is that we require an intellectual soul mate. We?re more than capable of being friends and working with people who are at different levels and have different strengths ? absolutely. But when it comes to a suitable partner, she won?t be able to authentically deviate from this must. And even if she does lower her expectations in this area, more than likely she?ll feel a diminished respect for her partner (which doesn?t do anyone any good).

It?s also important for her that she?s valued for her intelligence as well. More than likely she?s struggled with people not respecting her for her uncharacteristic intensity and independent thinking. INTJ women are not drama queens ? and we?re more logically driven than most. We want to be valued for our intellect ? and having to deal with people who don?t respect those qualities is frustrating enough already.

4. We need to be mentally aroused to become physically aroused

Most people focus in on physical attractiveness and social status when appraising a partner, but not the INTJ. Quite the contrary ? we care more about intelligence and drive and those are the traits that are most physically arousing for us ? and most other people think is weird (side note: a guy can be a shitty dude, but if he?s an intelligent shitty dude, oddly enough we?ll still find him attractive).

INTJ women have little patience for people who they see as shallow and generally speaking, we also hate dating games and ?rules? (even if we?ve learned all about dating rules and socially acceptable dating behavior, we still think those rules are stupid). Intelligence and intellectual connection are a major turn-on, and required in order for us to be physically aroused (simple as that).

5. We are direct in our communication with you ? and we expect the same in return

To an INTJ woman, hearing the phrase ?I didn?t want to hurt your feelings? is an insult ? not a sign of respect for our feelings. Everything that we do is deliberate, particularly when it comes to maintaining relationships.

While we don?t need never-ending coddling or attention, we do fulfill on our commitments when it comes to keeping up with our end of the bargain. And if for some reason we don?t, we?re pretty upfront about acknowledging where we?ve missed something or where we misinterpreted something we heard or simply forgot about.

We expect the same courtesy in return. Flaking out, blowing off, or not doing what you say you?re going to do (especially for something simple like making a date) altogether is the quickest way to lose our respect and be permanently relegated to the ?unsuitable partner? pool. We want consistency and respect people who ?tell it like it is? (albeit doing so kindly) and that means that we need to know what to expect from the people we open ourselves up to.

6. We are rigorous thinkers

Unlike most other women, we don?t necessarily need to depend on others to develop our own ideas. We tend to think entirely independent of popular opinion. We actually never satisfy our curiosity, wanting to acquire as much knowledge as humanly possible.

So we spend quite a lot of time alone, enjoying our solitude since this is where we recharge and cultivate our ideas. We like to do things on our own terms, deciding for ourselves and not based off of societal opinion of what we should be like or interested in.

We are very open minded and willing to hear other people?s ideas on different subjects. But at the end of the day, we like to figure out the answers on our own without bending to social pressure.

7. It takes patience for us to warm up to you

INTJ women are sometimes less emotionally expressive than their partners ? which can be unsettling to people who are used to women being more open emotionally. We tend to err on the private side when it comes to showing our feelings.

This doesn?t mean that we don?t have emotions or feelings ? we actually feel our emotions very deeply ? we just have a hard time expressing it.

But if we?re already involved with you, then we?ve already decided that you?re worth opening up to. Just be patient with us as we warm up to you.


Generally, we are wonderful partners ? loyal, honest, and eager to work on growing together in a relationship. INTJ women may never quite be the stereotypically gushy type that most people are used to women being, but we are deeply caring individuals towards the people we do love. We go out of our way to understand our partner on a deeper level than most people are willing to explore. People who are genuinely confident will be intrigued for sure, and for those who are also looking for a deeper connection with a rare gem, the INTJ woman is quite the catch.

I make YouTube videos on developing your awareness, growing thick skin, and living an out of the ordinary life. You can find me on YouTube here.


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