Learning about it allowed me to enjoy sex again
Photo by: WAYHOME studio / Shutterstock
I still remember the day sex became uncomfortable.
I was laying in bed with my boyfriend. We were making out and undressing each other. I was impatient to have him inside me.
After more than a year together, that sensation was a very familiar one, and I wanted it badly.
He positioned himself on top of me, I grabbed his hips, and he thrust his cock inside me.
I felt the amazing rush of pleasure that comes with the first penetration. But then I felt something entirely new.
It was intense, but not in a good way.
Along with the pleasure I always got from having him fuck me, there was also a strong feeling of discomfort that I couldn?t remember experiencing before.
I told myself it was fine. It was just really intense sex. I tried to focus on the pleasure and ignore the other feelings.
We fucked until I had an orgasm. And then I started crying.
I turned away from him so he couldn?t see my tears, but I couldn?t hide the sobs.
He hugged me and asked if I was okay. He asked me what was wrong.
I didn?t really know the answer to either of those questions.
I told him I didn?t know what was wrong and that it was just a weird reaction.
It?s true, it was weird. But it wasn?t just a one-time thing. After that day, sex almost always ended with me in tears.
I had no idea what was happening to me, and I would only piece it together ten years later, when I finally learned about the role the cervix plays in sex.
I Didn?t Really Understand My Cervix
I searched deep into the Google search results for an answer. What I found wasn?t exactly helpful.
The going answer seemed to be that women cry after non-painful, consensual sex because sex and orgasms release a powerful flood of chemicals that can give them a rush of emotions.
That made sense. I think it?s why I burst out laughing after really strong orgasms. But it didn?t really fit with my experience.
I wasn?t having sex that was so good my body couldn?t contain itself. I was having sex that felt so intense it was completely uncomfortable. It?s not a sensation I enjoyed.
I didn?t cry at the end of sex because I was overwhelmed. I cried because I?d just been through some shit.
I probably would?ve stopped having sex if it wasn?t for the fact that I thought I could conquer this. It didn?t happen every time, and maybe I just needed to get used to the intensity.
But then I started experiencing vaginismus, and the pain stopped me from having sex entirely.
Looking back now, I know that the two were related. After experiencing so much discomfort from sex, I started reflexively tightening up at penetration.
That was the start of a whole new ordeal, and I focused on that instead of trying to solve my crying-after-sex mystery.
By the time I cracked it, it had become a cold case.
I had cured my vaginismus, could enjoy penetrative sex with no pain and no crying, and I managed to get pregnant repeatedly.
One thing about being pregnant is that you start to learn a whole lot about your cervix ? how it works, what role it plays in childbirth, how to check it.
Along the way, I learned that it plays a role during sex.
There?s this myth with a kernel of truth that I keep hearing: the vaginal canal is only four inches long, so having penetrative sex with a long penis is no different than having it with an average-sized one.
Well, I called bullshit on that claim from the first time I heard it. My husband is 8 inches long, and I dated a guy named Todd who packed 9 inches. Both of them had one thing in common (well, other than long schlongs): they?ve gone balls deep.
So, either I have a freakishly deep vagina and everything we see in porn is made with super realistic CGI effects or there?s got to be more to the story.
And there is: the cervix.
It?s true that your vaginal canal only goes three to six inches deep before it gets to the cervix (which connects the vagina to the uterus). But that?s only how long it is in its average, resting state.
So what accounts for deep dicking? It?s all about arousal.
When you?re sexually aroused, your vaginal canal elongates, which means there?s a longer distance to travel before hitting the cervix at the end of it.
That?s what happened to me. That intense and uncomfortable sensation? It was the penis hitting my cervix.
It wasn?t a problem before because I was a horny teenager blossoming into a still very horny young adult. All it took to get me aroused and move my cervix up and out of the way was a wink and a few sloppy kisses.
But after a while, that didn?t work anymore. I had undiagnosed health issues dampening my libido, so it took a lot of foreplay to get me as aroused as I used to be. And most of the time, I just fell into my old sex routine and moved things along too quickly. My cervix was still in the way, which made things unpleasant and basically ruined my sex life for years.
Cervical Stimulation Isn?t Fun for Everyone
Now, I?m aware that cervical stimulation can be a source of pleasure for some women. And I can kind of see why.
The reason some women love it is probably the same reason I don?t personally enjoy it. It?s a really intense sensation.
I don?t do well with that kind of intensity during sex, probably because I?m very sensitive. It?s why I can?t handle some high-powered sex toys and also the reason cervical play is completely off the table for me.
I also believe I have a low cervix. If the vaginal canal in its resting state averages three to six inches, I think I?m probably on the three side. Because of that, my husband?s size is usually more of a curse than a blessing. I need a ton of preparation and arousal before I can have comfortable penetrative sex, and sometimes I don?t even get there.
I have no idea how many people deal have this problem. I haven?t found any stats about it. Maybe it?s just me and CervixPuncher9000?s wife who struggle with this. But what I do know is that learning more about my cervix has helped me have much better sex.
How I Have Discomfort-Free Sex
Knowing how the cervix works has taken the mystery out of all that uncomfortable intense sex I tried (but failed) to put up with. Knowing what my body is up to means I can avoid the sort of things that used to make me cry after sex and also know what to do when I want to have sex.
The first thing I?m mindful of is foreplay. I don?t have the easy arousal I had as a teen and I don?t know if I ever will again, so if I?m ever going to take anything in me, I need to get turned the fuck on.
On some days, it doesn?t take too much. If my husband spends some time with his tongue on my clit, I?ll be ready to get fucked.
But on most days, I need a lot more than that. I?ll strip down to my underwear and get my husband to massage me while we watch porn. Then, we?ll spend a long time doing nipple play, manual stimulation, and plenty of oral sex. It takes a while, but it usually works.
Sometimes, it doesn?t. It?s rare, but it happens. In those cases, we?ll stick to all the other stuff. I?ll suck and stroke him until my jaw and wrists start to get sore, and he?ll eat me out until I come. It?s fun and it helps us get out of the routine. There?s no penetration, but neither of us have any complaints ? we both end up very satisfied, lovey, and pleasantly exhausted.
Some positions are easier than others, too. I?m sure everyone?s different, and it might depend on the size and curvature of your partner (or your toy), but what almost always works for me is the spooning position.
Missionary works pretty well, too, and I can usually manage to have my final climax while getting prone boned. But doggystyle is rough. I have to go slow and easy with that one, take it only part of the way in, and tap out pretty quickly.
I?m also starting to notice how much of a difference my cycle makes. Penetration gets easier as I approach ovulation. And when I?m actually ovulating, I?m right in the fuck zone ? I can take it sooner and easier than the rest of the month.
I haven?t experimented with period sex, but from what I?ve read it seems like my cervix would be less cooperative during that time.
If I do all this, I can have highly pleasurable, comfortable sex on a regular basis. But I?m a bit disappointed that it took me this long to figure it out.
I have always read a lot about sex, but the cervix was never treated as all that important.
I?ve seen tons of discussion of the labia, the clitoris, and the vagina. But it always ended there.
I wish this information was more readily available because knowing more about the cervix helped me have better sex.
It also helped me redefine what good sex means. It doesn?t have to be hard, it doesn?t have to be deep, and it doesn?t even always have to include penetration. It just has to feel good.
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