Three Things Empaths Need to Feel Loved (and Three Things We Don’t)

Photo by Atikh Bana on Unsplash

Are you in love with an empath who confuses the hell outta you? One minute they?re all happy and high vibe, the next they are crying and want to be alone? My ex would say, ?Colette, you?re way too hot and cold. I don?t know what to do with the back and forth.?

Matt is not an empath. And while he loved me very much, he was clueless about what I needed to feel loved.

Empaths make up about 15?20% of the population. We?re a rare breed. What makes us different is our hyper-responsive mirror neurons. Not only are empaths more susceptible to emotions we also respond the the energy of environments and substances, like food, differently than others. Then there?s the fact that no one teaches us how to effectively process all the feelings. Now compound that with the popular opinion that it?s a bad thing to be ?overly sensitive? and what you have is a misunderstood (yet magical AF) person who believes there?s something wrong with them.

Hot and cold? Back and forth? You?re damn right I am.

It?s called being an empath who feels everything ? your feelings, my feelings, the energy of the room, the weather, the emotions of animals, the suffering of people on the other side of the world?I could go on.

That said, if you?re an empath who has not mastered your sensitivities you will suffer. You will struggle to be understood. You will shut down and strike back when you?re triggered. You will have fights and failed relationships.

Your job, fellow empath, is to get responsible for your gift so it no longer feels like a curse.

So if you?re reading this and you are an empath, you might want to share this article with your boo (or bae) and at the same time check out these other ones I wrote for you.

And if you?re in love with an empath, this one?s for you.

How to Love an Empath

Be curious and open (not closed off). Instead of thinking we?re being irrational when we cry at the drop of a dime, ask us what we?re feeling. Being genuinely curious about what?s going on inside of us will help us express and process the emotions more quickly.

We?ve been taught our whole lives to suppress our feelings, which just intensifies them.

It?s like we become a fucking pressure cooker full of fear and shame and guilt and anger. That shit will explode all over you, getting in your hair, on the ceiling, up your nose and you?ll be left to clean up the mess for days ? if the space to explore our feelings isn?t welcome.

When you are open and inviting we feel safe to share our sensitivities with you. This makes us feel seen and heard. We really want you to understand us. Your curiosity will soften the edge and relieve the anxiety we feel.

Rather than experiencing us as hot/cold or wishy-washy you will see we are complex and deep. And if you?re into that you will love us even more for our uniqueness.

If you have a closed mind and think we should be a certain way (ie. normal), you?re bound to be frustrated. And guess what. We will feel your frustration.

If we lack good communication skills then we will shut down. And what once was fun and flirty (hot) will soon be sullen and silent (cold).

Heart based communication. Learn to speak to us from your heart (not just from your head). We respond to clear and concise communication but that doesn?t mean, ?tell me what you?re thinking.? We speak feelings.

Even though you might not be as versed in the language of emotions, you are capable.

Too many people are communicating mask to mask instead of soul to soul. Here?s an opportunity to get in touch with your own feelings and express them to us. Tell us how you?re feeling. Tell us what you desire and what you fear.

Connect to what?s in your heart and share that with us. You might have to pause and approach things differently than you have before. That?s okay. We?re patient.

But what we don?t have patience or tolerance for is jive-talk mind-control. Stop trying to convince us to be logical. We follow our feelings so if you want to communicate effectively and connect deeply with us, try following yours.

Real connection, deep intimacy, and soulful pleasure. Ok you got me, that?s like three more things. Fuck it, they just came to me. I?m following my feelings here and expressing what comes up. Because that?s what we do. Besides all three of these are intimately intertwined. Just like you want to be with your empathic lover, right?

Real connection is necessary for us to open up and reveal the magic we possess.

We need to feel heard and fully seen by you. We want to know our connection is special and unlike any other. We?re not interested in the normal everyday nonsense that most people are. We want to go deep with you and discover what lies beneath the surface.

Intimacy is like air for us. We need it.

And while we may have hang-ups around sex at times (more about that here) we long for the kind of healing only intimacy with another human being can bring. For those of us who are passionate lovers, however, we enjoy sex.

We won?t be satisfied with just any ?ol sex. Check-the-box-sex will have us checking out of the relationship faster than you can say, ?sexless marriage.? We need you to crack open and come to us with all that you are, completely unmasked. We need all of you.

You can bet your ass you?re getting all of us.

This is how we enjoy soulful pleasure as a couple. If you don?t know the difference between soulful and superficial pleasure, allow me to tell you a story.

Last week I was teaching a tantra workshop to a mostly 30-something crowd. When the topic came up, some of the audience believed that pleasure was experienced through the body exclusively. Nope. Pleasure can be superficial, experienced through the body alone, or it can be soulful. Soulful pleasure includes the body as well as the mind, emotions, spirit, and sexual energy.

Sexual energy is not the same as sex organs. Sexual energy is life force. It?s raw potential. It is the very core of our being, yours and mine.

The problem is most people are unaware of this aspect of themselves. They identify more with the physical body and the roles they assume. That?s cool and all but if all you identify with are the superficial aspects of yourself, you will never be deeply satisfied. Sexually or otherwise.

Empaths seek soul-level satisfaction.

Love us unconditionally and watch the magic happen.

The song ?Bloodstream? pretty well sums it up.

So now you know where to put your attention. There are things you might want to avoid if you fancy loving a feeler. Check it.

How to Piss Off an Empath

And you will know us by the trail of dead. If we?re great communicators you will know these things already. However, too many empaths suck at communicating our feelings, needs, and boundaries effectively. Lucky for you I say what I feel and teach empaths and their non-empath partners how to have kick-ass relationships.

Here?s what we would rather you didn?t do.

Protect us from your feelings. We do not need protecting. Let me say that again. We do not need protecting. Or saving. Or your pity for being different, sensitive. So stop holding back what you want and need for fear it may trigger us.

Yes, we may get triggered but that?s our shit to deal with.

If you want to be mindful, try asking if now is a good time to have a difficult conversation. Give us the opportunity to respond rather than assuming we can?t handle it. Maybe we?re feeling maxed out and the answer is ?no? but we can then choose a time to have the convo when we?re feeling recharged.

Your job is not to protect us from your feelings it?s to express them effectively. We welcome this.

Make excuses for us. For the love of God, please stop talking about us like we?re weak and incapable of managing our emotions. In order for you to do that, you?re gonna have to shift your perspective.

Our sensitivities do not make us weak.

Being an empath is a gift even if 80% of the population does not get us. If you?re a non-empath (a muggle according to J.K. Rowling) you may think that having a hyper-responsiveness to energy and other?s emotions is a setback. Hell, even a lot of empaths think this so it?s understandable. But it?s just not true.

Our empathic abilities are like superpowers. And like most superheros, we must go through a life-changing trial to understand how to use them effectively. That?s why I love a good crisis.

We call forth a crisis when we?re truly ready to learn, heal, and grow. It?s the breakdown that precedes the breakthrough. A crisis is gold. Or at least it can be.

So if we are in fact in crisis, don?t make excuses for us or try to fix it for us.

Instead, be curious about what?s going on inside of us, communicate from your heart, and seek to connect with us more deeply. Trust that we can handle it and with your love we will turn the pain into something useful.

We will heal ourselves.

Call us ?too sensitive, too emotional or too much.? Who gets to determine what?s too fucking much? Muggles? Someone who has an average mirror neuron system can?t understand what it?s like to have a hyper-responsive one. So stop trying to compare us.

That?s really what?s happening here. You think, ?Compared to my logical way of relating to the situation, my partner is being way too emotional.? Meanwhile your empathic partner is tuned into all the subtle energy and nuances you can?t pick up on. If you could, you?d feel what we feel.

You might be ?too much? then, too.

We?ve heard these criticisms our whole lives. We?ve learned how to suppress our emotions more than we?ve learned to express them in a healthy way. Don?t add to this soul-smothering behavior. Set your mind and our spirit free.

You have the power to help heal the wounds that empaths have to deal with.

Of course, you have to do your own work to be an evolved human. But what better pursuit is there than learning to love yourself and your partner the way we were intended. Unconditionally.

Seriously, if you?re in love with an empath and you want to elevate your relationship to extraordinary start with these few pointers. If you want to explore more in depth or need professional support to turn your crisis into the catalyst that heals you both, apply to speak with me privately.

Conclusion

There?s a particular love language that only empaths speak. You can learn it, though, and when you do you will open up a whole new world. A magical world full of feelings, intimacy, and soulful pleasure. This is what we need from you to feel truly loved. You can shift your way of being with your empathic lover and help heal the long-held wounds that were suffered for being ?different?. See us not as too much but perfect as we are and we will give you our enormous hearts, capable of holding you completely.

Call to Action

In love with an empath who?s struggling to master their sensitivities? Support her (or him) with this gift? Download the Self-Love Checklist for Empaths. Click here to get the checklist right now!

P.S. If you found this helpful, let me know by clicking that ?clap button? a bunch. Hooray!