I still date men and women my age, and enjoy it, but when it comes to the sexual side of things, many fall flat.
Photo by Yohann LIBOT on Unsplash
When I first started out as a sugar baby I was 20 (I?m now 22), and I often wondered if the men who were interested in me were predatory.
I definitely wasn?t interested in sleeping with men who were in their 50s or 60s ? I find that age gap unappealing. But 30s and 40s, yeah, that I can get behind. As long as there?s an intellectual connection and I feel as though I?m being respected, I?m game. I?m sure many people can and would make the predation argument successfully.
I definitely think some of them are, but to issue a blanket statement to that effect would be doing the good ones a disservice. Also, making blanket statements like that generally gloss over important nuances in societal issues such as pedophilia and predatory male behavior.
I would say I?m fairly mature for my age, and I?ve been told as much since I was a young child. I grew up with my nose stuck in books, so I?ve invested hundreds of different lives and ways of thinking. Also, research has shown that brains physically age faster when depressed than when not. So, theoretically, I could have the brain of a 40-year-old, though the study?s significance really means that people with depression are more susceptible to illnesses associated with old age.
Perhaps it?s wise to explain why dating men my age is frustrating ? and mind you, I do date men and women close to my age. So it?s not like I?ve forsaken it. The digital era has irrevocably changed dating. It?s easier to meet people, keep in touch, and maintain casual relationships. There?s less pressure for typical courtship, and more perceived pressure to engage in casual sexual behaviors, especially in college students and young adolescents.
Emotional Intelligence and Maturity
However, I?ve found (and keep in mind this is all anecdotal evidence / personal opinion) that men my age lack the emotional maturity and the physical skill to make many of these casual hook-ups worthwhile. I ask very little of hook-ups; all I want is a good time and to be treated with respect. That, however, seems to be hard for some.
For example, this summer I started hooking up with a guy I had known in high school. He invited me out to drinks one night, and it went well ? we went back to his place and had some fun, though didn?t go all the way. We hung out at his place maybe a week later (this time we did have sex) and we did this a few times. I had also gone out for drinks with him and some friends during this time. I didn?t ask much, we usually would hang out and watch Curb Your Enthusiasm on his couch, and then move things into the bedroom later on. After about three weeks of this, he ghosted me. I didn?t care too much, but I had to admit I was a little confused ? I thought we had a good arrangement.
About two months later, he texted me and apologized for ghosting. My response was essentially, ?uh, yeah, what was up with that?? He said it seemed like I wanted something more serious/relationship-y. I laughed at this. I had 0 interest in dating him, I was just having a good time. He assumed this solely because I liked actually hanging out beforehand and getting drinks once in a while. So, sorry for not wanting to just show up, fuck, and leave, I guess?
This incident is not an isolated one. Many times, men my age seem to read too far into things, get worried that I want more, and then peace out. All of that could be easily avoided through simple communication around expectations, etc.
With older men, this type of communication is not only encouraged, but expected. Especially with sugar baby-type relationships, the expectation is that you will be upfront about what you want and what you?re looking for. And even when there is no ?sugar? component involved, I?ve found that older men are far more willing to have that conversation anyway. They?re much more straightforward about what they want and their emotional boundaries.
General Appreciation / Validation
The great thing about being a relatively attractive young woman sleeping with an older man is the reverence they have for my body. Maybe young men are just worse at expressing it, but the older men I?ve been with have made me feel sexy and powerful. When I get undressed, they lose their minds! I get far more compliments, and the sheer awe in their eyes when they look at me is intoxicating. It?s not as though men my age don?t find me attractive ? I think they simply lack the ability to effectively communicate that appreciation during sex sometimes.
Plus, who doesn?t like being told they?re sexy?
Sexual Skill and Comfort
This one may be a no-brainer for some of you, but the several older men I have slept with are far more skilled in the bedroom than their younger counterparts. Part of this obviously comes from experience, but I think patience and emotional maturity plays a role as well. Older men understand that if their partner has a good time, they themselves are more likely to have an enjoyable experience as well. If a man gives me an orgasm (which can be hard to do) I am much more likely to put more effort into reciprocating.
I?ve found that older men have more patience and drive to make me cum, as opposed to men closer to my age, who are far more focused on getting their nut with little regard for my pleasure. Even when I have dialogue regarding what I enjoy with the younger men beforehand, it?s like all of that just goes out the window once our clothes come off.
Every guy, when I mention that it?s hard to get me off, responds with something along the lines of ?I can change that.? It?s insanely cocky and incredibly annoying, especially because the vast majority of the time, they suck in bed. Like absolutely suck. I?ve had some great sex (I?m blessed) but to have even some great sex, I?ve had to have a LOT of very mediocre or just straight up bad sex.
The older men I?ve slept with have been more comfortable trying new things, too. Maybe that comes along with the emotional maturity part, but younger men are either less interested (which I doubt) or just less comfortable expressing their interest in trying new positions, kinks, etc.
The Magic of Toys
Especially for us ladies who struggle to reach orgasm, sex toys are a godsend. Younger men, in my experience, are much less comfortable with introducing toys into the bedroom than older men are. I?m sure some of that comes from insecurity ? thinking that they?re not good enough and that?s why their female partner wants a toy, but that?s just simply not the case. Orgasms can be hard for women, especially if they?re on anti-depressants or certain birth controls, along with a whole host of other reasons.
I had owned a bullet vibrator as a teen and loved it, and my experience with sex toys got significantly better with my first sugar daddy. He introduced me to butt plugs, to different kinds of vibrators (rabbits are amazing), blindfolds, and many other things. He encouraged me to try out different toys as a means of exploring my sexuality, what I was comfortable with, and what brought me pleasure. It helped me to learn and understand my body much better.
The reality is that toys are generally going to enhance the experience, not replace it. Being willing and enthusiastic about including toys is a huge turn-on, especially when a man is prepared! If you?re a single man who is having casual sex, I highly recommend getting a wand. There is, of course, the much-loved Hitachi Magic Wand, though I recommend getting one of the little extension cords that allows you to have more control over the speed/intensity of the vibration, as the Wand on its own can be incredibly powerful (maybe too powerful) and might overwhelm your partner. My personal favorite (and the wand I own) is the Ollie from Unbound. It?s pretty, it?s powerful, and it?s cordless. What more could you want?
Those are just one example of the kinds of toys you can introduce into the bedroom ? there are hundreds more for different types of stimulation, so experiment! Get comfortable with the idea of using toys. Trust me, your female partners will not be upset.
I?m not saying young men my age can?t be good in bed, simply that it?s harder to find the quality of sex I deserve. And I?m not solely having sex with men older than me!
I still date men and women my age, and enjoy it, but when it comes to the sexual side of things, many fall flat. And that?s why I love sleeping with older men.