Exploring that side of myself was really interesting
My husband James and I have dabbled in BDSM, primarily with each other, because it?s something that requires a deep level of trust. Because of that, there aren?t that many other people that we have felt comfortable exploring power dynamics with in that way. When James and I play this way, he?s usually the dominant and I?m the submissive, but not always. Sometimes we switch.
Consensual play with power dynamics is something that I find really intriguing, and for the most part, that is as far as we take it. Spanking and other milder forms of sensory play are a part of this but for the most part, neither of us is really into pain.
As someone who has had to be very efficient, resourceful, practical, and in control in much of my everyday life, agreeing to give authority over myself to someone whom I trust for a while just feels like a vacation. Honestly, I believe that?s why so many women gravitate to BDSM submission. It?s a way to relax.
Women spend so much time with people trying to take their power from them that to voluntarily give it is a relief, particularly when you can take it back at will. Ultimately it is the submissive who holds most of the power ? even as he or she gives up control. That person is the one who determines the rules and boundaries of the play and who can bring it to an end with a word.
Being the top (the dominant) is a lot more work. It takes a lot of energy and creativity to create an experience for someone else. One time I made James drink water out of the dog bowl, but I?d washed and sterilized it first and filled it with filtered water. I guess it?s safe to say, we?re on the lighter side of the BDSM scale. That is about as close to humiliation play as we?ve ever gone.
But one time I met a man named Jim who really wanted me to dominate him, and in particular, he wanted me to humiliate him. I wasn?t sure at first that I was up for it, but it did kind of intrigue me. I actually had to do research to get some ideas about this, and about the dynamic as a whole. I?m someone who strives to treat everyone with kindness and respect, so to say that it wasn?t in my natural wheelhouse to intentionally humiliate someone is kind of an understatement.
Still, sometimes it?s fun and beneficial to explore your dark side. Just because it?s something that you?ve never done and never even really considered before, doesn?t mean that it wouldn?t be interesting. What I found when I started thinking about doing this was a side of myself that I?d really never known before.
?Deriving sexual arousal from some type of humiliation is a form of sexual masochism, the umbrella term used to describe the phenomenon of experiencing sexual pleasure in response to receiving sexual pain. Although most people think of masochism as primarily involving physical pain, psychological pain such as humiliation frequently accompanies it (and, in some cases, psychological pain may be the primary or only type of pain desired).?
The first thing I did when Jim started expressing an interest in being dominated and humiliated was to go buy a vinyl dress. I already owned some black boots with a spiked heel, but I felt like I needed an outfit to further get me into the headspace of playing a dominatrix/humiliatrix.
Ultimately, we never ended up playing with Jim, so I haven?t worn the dress very often, but just knowing that I had it in my closet did help me with the part of this dynamic that we did virtually ? usually via text. It was something that helped me to access the part of myself that would be up for it.
Jim was probably in his early 50s, maybe a bit older, but he had one of the best bodies I?ve ever seen on a man. He played ice hockey in a league and it was a sport he?d always loved. Skating several times a week for most of his life had chiseled his abs and chest, and he was definitely a very masculine looking guy.
One of the things that Jim fantasized about was being called by a feminine name and made to wear women?s clothing, particularly women?s underwear. I can?t remember now what name he had chosen for himself, but I did start calling him by it even though it made me a little bit uncomfortable to do so. There was something about it being humiliating to be a woman that just didn?t sit very well with me ? a bit too much of the patriarchal gender box. Still, I felt like I wanted to push my own boundaries, and so I went along with it.
One time I sent Jim a text where I had called him a dumb bitch and told him that his twat stunk. When I showed it to James, he was incredibly taken aback, because it was so unlike me. But in a strange way, there was something energizing about it. It was a way of taking some of the sting out of those kinds of words that have been so often used to disempower women by turning them on a man. I really liked that.
As Jim got more comfortable with being called names, his desire for more elaborate humiliation increased. He began talking about buying a dog crate and having me lock him in it. He wanted James and me to have sex in front of him while he was locked in the crate. Then he decided that he wanted us to have sex right next to him, while he was restrained so that he couldn?t touch me.
He began to fantasize about being brought to the edge of orgasm, and then to have it denied. Would James allow him to lick his cum off of me? Would James allow him to suck his dick? As I said, we never did get together to play, so although we talked about all of this, we never did discover how far any of us were willing to take things.
I think that there was a part of Jim that really just wanted to fantasize about all of this without having to actually go through with it, and that was really fine, although I do wish he had made that more clear. One time we had finally found a mutually agreeable date to get together and the day before, he let us know that he?d just had a load of mulch delivered and really needed to spend his day spreading it around the yard instead.
I guess that?s a pretty clear message of not actually wanting to go through with things, but he traveled a lot for work and wasn?t always home on the weekends to take care of things like that, so I didn?t immediately take it as that. I?m a very direct and straightforward person, and it?s one of the things that I like best about the world of sex clubs and BDSM, that it tends to encourage that from others as well. Apparently, that kind of directness wasn?t in Jim?s repertoire.
He kept wanting to talk but just could never seem to get together. I eventually tired of this because I wasn?t really all that interested in this kind of play. I wanted to touch and be touched, and really didn?t get all that much out of thinking about and talking about ways to humiliate Jim.
It was interesting in a kind of academic way and I learned some things about myself in the process. As someone who had been a good girl and a pretty nice person for most of my life, it was a little bit fun to really be a bitch and to turn the tables on some of the shit that women deal with.
I always wondered why Jim picked me to share this fantasy with. Perhaps it was because of how matter-of-fact and straightforward that I came across, and maybe that felt a bit more masculine and dominant than some of the women that he was used to meeting. Maybe he sensed that he could trust me. I don?t really know, but in any case, it was a very interesting experience and one that I?m glad that I had, even if it never went beyond the talking stage.