They say communication is key, but what does it matter if the topics being discussed aren?t for the betterment of the relationship.
Unsplash by Toa Heftiba
We?ve all had relationships that speak to certain emotions within us that eventually help to create the tonality of its course. Oftentimes, we wait until events or circumstances spark specific conversations we would otherwise avoid having. We typically avoid these topics for one of three reasons:
- We don?t know how to.
- We are scared/nervous to.
- We are waiting for it to organically get brought up.
None of these reasons are good enough to not take the time to find a way to make them happen. If we find dialogue about the things most important to us to be nearly impossible to talk about with our partner, then perhaps we are with the wrong one, but I digress.
Why Your Relationship Today Is Less Likely To Work
It?s the millennial curse that has shallowed the pools of dating and weakened the potential for a genuine connection.
While the advice that coincides with how to negate those three objections is for another time, I will say that in my experience, if those are the reasons for avoidance, they will likely never happen.
When we think about relationships, we can oftentimes associate one aspect with the physical and the other with the emotional ? both of which are equally as important for the majority of people ? but among each, there are conversations that should be seen as non-negotiable.
This may seem like a conversation that should be had more often internally than with another person, but it?s important to get specific. Hearing one?s fears and acknowledging their existence can better help you to understand where your partner may be coming from when certain behaviors occur or reactions take place.
How You May Have Self Sabotaged Your Chances Of Love Without Even Realizing It
It isn?t that you aren?t worth it or that you aren?t going to find it, but the law of attraction might work a little?
It?s important to not only discuss the fears we have for the relationship and what could go wrong, but the things that create unease within ourselves, by ourselves too. Knowing I have a fear of heights allows my partner to better support and comfort me in moments of panic and even further, prepare for those events so there is no delay in response. Knowing not just what scares the person in the physical world, but also within the relationship itself. Whether it be trust issues, body issues, PTSD, or a one-off scenario, the more you know, the more you can choose to accept and best support.
Don?t just take part in it, but talk about it. 75% of people having sex haven?t even bothered to discuss what it is they actually like prior to jumping into bed. Emotional connections will play a role, but they aren?t magic. Although sex isn?t what?s most important, it?s one of the strongest forms of intimacy that two people can share with one another and if it?s going to be monogamous, do your due diligence so it?s enjoyable for both.
There are people who find this subject to be particularly uncomfortable, but it doesn?t have to be, nor should it be. Make a game out of it and ask playful questions like the craziest fantasy they?ve ever imagined or their bucket list place to consummate. It?s one of the most natural behaviors of the human species so don?t let pillow talk become a taboo subject between you and your partner.
Not just professional goals and not just personal goals either, but what an ideal world looks like that includes your partner, as this is typically the long term goal of a relationship. I almost hesitate to say this conversation should come before most others, but it is just that important.
Realizing this conversation is necessary in a relationship should make most consider where they are at as individuals before taking part in correspondence with another person. If we are unsure of where we are independently, then we will have no starting point in how to tailor a life that nurtures the independent soul, while also a love connection.
If you have never watched someone you love do something they are completely and totally passionate about, then you?re missing out. The same would go with the conversation itself. These are the things that will potentially keep the person you love as someone you can continue to love and love them fiercely. Trust me, a partner who supports your dreams and cheers you on without fail is a major turn on.
This conversation usually only takes place if either one of the people in the relationship asks the other or something is done to bring it up (i.e. the deal-breaker occurred). In both my opinion and my experience, this conversation should be the easiest to have, because if you are treating yourself as you should, then these are entirely not up for debate. With that being said, my suggestion would be to have this conversation as early on as possible because it is also the quickest way to filter through non-ideal candidates. Not to mention, in my experience this conversation only becomes harder and more censored the longer you?re in the relationship because you now have reason to want it to work more-so than you did before.
The Difference Between A Rough Patch and A Red Flag
Knowing whether or not it?s time to throw in the towel is a decision that weighs heavy on the mind of anyone who finds?
If you initiate this conversation on the front end, then there is little to no wasted time on either end, you likely have a minimal emotional connection at this point, and you will have no real information to go off of when it comes to editing your response. In other words, if you know the person would never be with someone who doesn?t want kids and you know you don?t want kids, the likelihood of you saying it how it is on the first date compared to the tenth, is apparent.
What matters most.
It may seem that this is one that should naturally be brought up throughout one of the other conversations addressed; however, rarely is it. This is because it would require reading between the lines and second, third, and fourth layer questions at times. Many people don?t realize how special it is to know what matters to another person, because they have never seen it as the conversation that had to take place in order to get there.
While silence can communicate some insight, a spoken reply would provide the most important information ? the information the person wants you to have. The intimacy behind dialogue that consists of what makes a person agree to stick around for tomorrow, the dreams that happen while they are still awake, and the thoughts that keep them up at night. These are essentially the things that make a person tick.
Most vivid memories.
This may seem like an interesting suggestion, but think about it this way: what determines whether or not we remember the details of an event? The way that it makes us feel, right? So if something has impacted you in a way that shook the foundation of your existence enough for you to be able to recite back the events in great detail, then I would say it?s a story worth sharing and if you?re the recipient ? worth listening to.
I have found that these are oftentimes stories of events that took place in a person?s youth, whether it be an experience at home related to their upbringing, or something unrelated to family or the home, but during childhood. If this is the case, who?s to say this wouldn?t lead to another necessary conversation: kids.
Understanding where a person?s ideal resolution sits is a factor, but it is equally as important to know how they plan on getting there. Is it by voices being raised? Is it through ?make-up? intimacy? Is it by way of the silent treatment? Knowing what a person?s ideal form of resolution is important because it introduces light to the end of the tunnel when an argument ensues. If you know your partner needs 15 minutes to cool down after voices are raised and tempers right there with them, then you can anticipate that outcome and know it with the purpose of solace.
Religion and Spirituality.
Who are they turning to when it comes to their inner dialogue? Are they reaching out to a higher power or manifesting the conversation within themselves as more students of the spiritual world? This is not only important on Sunday mornings, but also before a lifetime of commitment ensues and children are expected to be introduced to a certain path. This doesn?t mean there has to be agreement of beliefs at the end of the conversation, but there should be a plan as to how any situation in which faith is a factor, should be evaluated and navigated through.
All in all it is most important that conversation is happening regardless of the point of the relationship you are in. There is always something worth discussing, more about your partner to learn, ways to continue to grow stronger, and plans to make a life with one another better than either of you had imagined before you knew the other existed.