I won?t bore you with the usual caution to not trust just anyone, no matter the size of their toybag. I will, however, share with you some things I?ve cultivated and strived for over the years to become what I consider, a Femdom of respectable caliber.
It varies greatly when we get to the specific types of dominants that are desired within the community. That?s why regardless if you?re the one spanking or being spanked, you should do your utmost to create a trusted wheelhouse of inner qualities. In case no one has said it to you plainly, know this:
Being a submissive/bottom is very dangerous.
There?s no other way to view it. In that role, one is expected to discuss limits, agree on a safeword and, then?trust the person they are playing with to follow through. All while usually, in a fairly compromising situationship. Gagged?hogtied?restrained?restricted?it can be hard to give up control even when you want to feel so controlled.
Submissives aren?t toys
I?m not talking about the endearing (and incredibly sexy!) act of calling someone your ?toy?. I?m talking more along the lines of treating a very vulnerable human, like an actual toy.
Toys can be broken and put back together. They are designed to be ?played? with. And if they?re broken beyond repair, well, then we replace them.
An s-type is not a toy. It is your person to consensually play with in a manner in which they will not become broken, in a manner of speaking. There?s a lot of assumed responsibility as a dominant that we know what we?re doing. Sadly, not all dominants know what they?re doing. A lot of dominants are imposters (only ever having fantasized about dominating). Others are aimless dominants in training, learning through trial and error, usually error. Yet even still some equate their own narcissism with a hall pass into the kink community.
There are no schools that I know of that teach dominants how to do things perfectly and safely. (Despite some in community having been ?titled? and ?trained?). Did I miss a ?sign-up?for the next semester? We are all learning together and it?s best to never close yourself off to more knowledge and skill training. As a dominant, who happens to teach classes, and talk a lot about kink, the day I think I have nothing left to learn is the day I leave the scene ? it?s the day I become useless and reckless.
Image courtesy of Viktor Talashuk
Peel back the layers
With that said, it?s hard to know what should you strive for as a dominant. This list of qualities I think a safe, respectable, well-intentioned dominant could benefit from is also a list for submissives. If you don?t watch out for yourself, no one will. No matter what side of the slash. Trust yourself to know when you?re comfortable and follow your gut instinct every time, all the time. At best, you miss out on a play scene, at worst?well who could say? No one, but something deep inside does. Don?t lose your ability to ground yourself and make rational decisions, sub and Dom frenzy is a very real occurrence that even I?ve fallen prey to!
Each of these traits absolutely needs to be genuinely built from within. And it couldn?t hurt to really flesh them out before bringing anyone ?into? the mix that is your style of dominance.
1. Switch on and tune in
This one seems easy. How can you ignore someone who has really ?devoted? themselves to you? You can disrespect that devotion. When you engage in this dynamic with someone it?s so easy to take without question, without thought, and without care. But, what do they gain? You owe it to them to allow their services, whatever they may be, to flourish. It is within your power to only just pick and use the traits and skills to your advantage but to also reflect your appreciation back. If your s-type loves to make you breakfast, honor that by surprising them with their favorite morning meal once in a while (who cares if you ordered online, it?s the thought that counts!). An unappreciated submissive is the best recipe for receiving unappealing service.
Attention to detail is important to me, and I do my best to show that in many ways. Pay attention to your bottom no matter the situation. If it?s in a vanilla setting little things can mean a lot. I know my puppy loves fun socks (hey, there?s his little side), and so occasionally I will gift him with a pair or two with playful patterns. In a scene or during play it?s even more important to pay attention to your partner. Don?t just rely on the safeword for safety. Verbally check in, watch their breathing, their body movements, and eyes when possible for signs of distress. It?s your duty as a top/dominant to be extra attentive to these details. This is the responsibility you assume in this role and they deserve your full attention.
2. Take control?like you really mean it
What does control mean to you? Does it mean picking out a sub?s clothes or food? Restricting their active actions without prior authorization from you? Maybe to them it means allowing you the power to punish them when they fall behind on work or a passion project? Or maybe even identifying objectively when they are stressed and stepping in to help where needed.
Control can mean a lot of things to a lot of people but if it?s constantly changing no one can enjoy it. That?s why it?s not only important to figure out where and how to exhibit your control over a submissive but also be consistent in your orders and process.
Consistency is key when wanting someone to perform the same thing, words, actions, repeatedly in the same manner. When you go out to eat, you expect french fries to resemble some manner of fries. I would complain if it were a baked potato even though it?s the right vegetable, it wouldn?t be consistent with my expectations, and I wouldn?t be happy. Your submissive cannot live up to your standards if they are constantly changing. When you decide something, take control of it by explaining it thoroughly and correcting where necessary. Whatever you do, don?t be wishy-washy and still expect excellency.
3. Heart of gold (or at least bronze)
Despite what BDSM porn may say (ha!), I have found a dominant who has their submissive?s best intentions at heart are the safest to interact with. This goes beyond a simple negotiation and check-in during a scene.
Many dominants have the ability to really abuse a bottom. Whether that?s mentally, emotionally, or even physically. And it might not always be intentional but that doesn?t prevent it from happening. There is nothing that gives me a higher feeling than knowing I have someone who is sometimes, quite literally, putting their lives in my hands when playing. It?s easy to get swept up in the ideology that as a dominant you ?know? best. You don?t ?need? improvements. You ?have? all the answers.
The simple fact of the matter is you don?t.
And if you do, then please, let this Femdom get on her knees for you?All Knowing Fem of Doms.
I?ve ran into too many dominants who refuse to attend classes, even basic vanilla safety courses, find a mentor when possible, participate in skill shares and trade knowledge all because they ?know? what they?re doing. They needn?t your silly advice.
Don?t abuse your power as a top. Do all you can to keep your submissive and yourself safe, externally and internally. Don?t let a predator with no real first hand experience talk you into anything you don?t want to do if you?re an s-type. Don?t guilt bottoms into playing your way ?or else?, and certainly don?t imply that if they don?t follow your lead you will abandon them.
This is emotional and psychological abuse and no one should have to take this in any relationship or dynamic. A power hungry individual will follow a path to their own demise every time, and it?s not pretty.
Be yourself
Create your image, if that?s your thing. Select your title, change it up, flip stereotypes, color outside the lines. Every dominant has a unique and special quality, style, and abilities. Find yours out with practice and learn things about what you don?t enjoy first, as you might be surprised when you have your mind expanded. I was never into pegging, now I know more behind the first-hand experience of power exchange it promotes and it?s a solid kink of my playhouse now.
When I started out I thought I needed to be a certain type of ?Femdom? but I gave that idea up long ago. I only found true power in being my own type of Femdom, in my own image. BDSM has a way of highlighting all the facets of your soul that have remained in the shadows. Why hide them if you are looking for a partner who will trust you and who you want to trust? Be confident but be yourself, you?re the only one of you.
You are who you are. Own it.
The greatness in a community like this, is that you have 100% freedom to be who you truly are. We welcome all kinds.
I purposefully made this list small and simple. It?s not complicated to be a good dominant partner because it requires you to be a good person first.
- Stay alert and knowledgeable in the areas of interests
- Respect and appreciate service when received
- Don?t overstep your boundaries as a top
- Lastly, fuck the haters, be who you want to be
Even though dominance is a role requiring strength and integrity it also includes humility, respect and an ever-curious mindset.
Anyone can Google ?Spanking,? ?Flogging? or ?How to Get Him To Submit? to learn a variety of techniques for various play. But these tools are simply not enough.
One must learn the language of dominance, and totally surrender themselves to its will and personal desire, in order to dominate like a (Fem)dom should.
Toys can be broken and put back together. They are designed to be ?played? with. And if they?re broken beyond repair, well, then we replace them.
d20domme is an Alternative Lifestyles & Sexuality Coach and real life FemDom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon.
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