It?s the opposite of what you think
Photo by: Dean Drobot / Shutterstock
It took me a long time to understand how I could have premature orgasms but still struggle to come.
Premature orgasms sound fun, and I am grateful for them overall, but they?ve also had their challenges.
I had to train my body to become multiorgasmic just so I could have sex for more than a few minutes. And because I can come from ridiculous things, like having my hips squeezed or my nipples pinched, I sometimes didn?t get to have sex at all.
It?s not just the duration, either. It?s the intensity. Being multiorgasmic has really helped me get in touch with my body and understand the way it responds to sexual stimulation. One of the things I learned is that not every orgasm is the same.
One of the downsides of coming quickly is that it?s almost always a weaker orgasm. It feels great. It?s still a rush of pleasure. But it?s just not as satisfying as the ones that you get after a good fuck with lots of buildup.
The quick ones are good, but they just leave me wanting more. They don?t feel complete. I want the powerful orgasms that leave me feeling spent and satisfied.
That never used to be a problem. I could have all the little orgasms I wanted to and then end on a really strong note.
And then 12 months ago, my doctor gave me a prescription for DHEA and my orgasms stopped being so reliable.
The DHEA made me feel incredible. Or should I say, incredibly horny (same thing, really).
I was insatiable. I spent way too much time masturbating. I?m talking like quarantine amounts of jilling off. I could barely keep my hands off myself unless they were on my husband.
It was so fucking fun but also really frustrating because I struggled to hit those high peaks. One of the reasons I couldn?t shake my horniness is because I almost never got those deeply satisfying orgasms anymore.
I eventually adjusted to the hormones and my intense sex cravings calmed down. But those big climaxes were still unreliable. I had them more often, but I would still have periods of time when I could barely manage to get myself there.
I assumed the problem was death grip.
I like to masturbate in a lot of different ways, but I almost always finish the same way: lying on my stomach with a rabbit vibrator between my thighs. My best guess is that I was having a hard time getting off because I had trained my body to come in such a precise way.
But after months of working on my death grip, I didn?t see a clear pattern. I wasn?t getting steady improvement. I still had nights when I couldn?t get there ? or couldn?t get there without a fight ? and they seemed to happen randomly.
If I was going to fix this problem, I would need to come up with some new hypotheses.
Build Me Up
If it wasn?t death grip causing the issue, maybe it was the lack of buildup.
When I come too quickly, the orgasm is always weaker. If I delayed it, I should be able to have a stronger payoff.
So, I asked my husband to start edging me every time we have sex.
The way he does it is simple. He strokes, rubs, or licks my clit until I?m close to having an orgasm. When he notices my ab muscles contracting and can tell I?m about to come, he pulls away and stops stimulating me.
I squirm. I groan. I swear at him.
It feels frustrating but in a weirdly good way.
And then he starts again. Within a minute, his fingers are back on my clit, rubbing it almost to a climax but pulls away before I can reach it.
He teases me more and more. I get hornier and hornier. And by the time he finally blesses me by finishing me off, I come harder than I normally do.
So, we tried it and it worked. The first night, I had my orgasm mojo back. After being edged for a while, I came so hard that I burst out into uncontrollable laughter (yeah, it?s weird, but it?s really fucking good).
I was back, baby!
And then I wasn?t. The next night, we did the same thing. Lots of teasing and edging. He denied my orgasm so many times that it almost felt cruel. My body was primed and ready for a mind-blowing finish.
Then he finally let me come and it was okay.
Just okay.
Fuck. So much for a solution.
We kept up with the edging for a while and the results were mixed. I was getting some really strong endings sometimes, but I?d often have the same problem as before. I?d end the night on my stomach, riding my vibrator while my husband fucked me hard, and I still couldn?t come the way I wanted to.
So, it wasn?t death grip (or at least, not only death grip) and it wasn?t because I needed more buildup.
After a while, I started paying more attention to what was going on with my body during those struggle sessions. And I realized it wasn?t just that I was having a hard time hitting a satisfying peak. My clit also felt different. It felt kind of numb.
That?s when I sent my husband an email I never thought I would send.
The Right Way to Handle a Sensitive Clit
?Maybe you should avoid touching my clit.?
I felt crazy typing those words.
But my theory is that I was getting too much clitoral stimulation (yeah, I still feel crazy typing that out) and it was wearing me out. By the time we got to the end, my clit was so desensitized that I couldn?t get the right kind of pleasure from it.
I?ve heard of it happening to other women. Their clits get overstimulated and they can?t keep going, even if they haven?t managed to come.
I?m like that all over. If someone rubs the same spot on my arm or my back for too long, even gently, it starts to hurt. So it would make sense if my clit was the same.
I explained all that to Mr. Austin and then waited for his response.
?Hm,? he wrote back. ?I?ll have to get creative, then.?
Telling him to avoid touching my clit until we got near the end felt risky. Was I going to waste a perfectly good night? Was I going to have even more trouble getting off if my clit went unattended for that long? And isn?t touching the damn clit the only proper thing to do to a woman in the first place?
But I really wanted those huge orgasms back and I was willing to do whatever it took to get them.
That night, we went about our new experiment. And I was wrong to worry about leaving my clit off the menu for most of it because we found a lot of other ways to have fun.
I had as many orgasms as I normally do ? they were just different.
Mr. Austin made me come by groping my tits, tracing his fingers around my nipples, tugging on them, and lapping his tongue on them.
He got me off by squeezing my sides and pulling me close. His firm grip felt electrifying and I focused on that feeling until it resulted in an orgasm.
At one point, he gave me a spanking through my underwear. The steady rhythm of his palm slapping against my ass brought me to a climax.
He also gave me some indirect clit stimulation. He would grab and rub my outer labia, tug my pussy lips, or just rub around my vulva and I would feel it in my clit even though it wasn?t being touched.
Some of those orgasms are really hard to achieve for me. They involve such light stimulation that I have to be really aroused to unlock them. It?s like I need to take all that sexual energy and redirect it to other parts of my body.
Thankfully, the very fact that he was giving me those orgasms without any of the stronger, clitoral ones meant I was just getting hornier and hornier.
But the real star of the show was my G-spot.
After getting me off and teasing me in all sorts of ways, he slid two fingers inside me and rocked his hand so it would hit the spot perfectly.
Too perfectly. I had to push him away and get him to lay down our waterproof blanket because I knew things would get messy.
And they did. His fingers kept hitting me so quickly and precisely that I was gushing every two or three minutes.
I can?t count the number of times I squirted that night, but the feelings that accompanied it were so incredibly intense. They were so pleasurable but just kept me horny and ready for more.
We ended the night with Mr. Austin fucking me while he rubbed my clit, taking the occasional break to lick my pussy.
And I got exactly what I wanted. When he touched my clit, it wasn?t numbed. It was sensitive without feeling raw. It was like a jolt of pleasure that ended exactly how I hoped it would: with an orgasm so strong that I couldn?t do anything but pant heavily for a few minutes, not being able to say anything other than ?Wow.?
Your Clit Is Still the Star of the Show
If you?re struggling with an overly sensitive clit, I recommend trying the same approach I did.
Avoiding direct clitoral stimulation until the end of your sex session sounds counterintuitive, but it really works. It?s the best way to get a powerful climax without all the struggling that normally comes with it for sensitive gals.
It?s about redefining what it means to focus on the clit. Constant clit stimulation probably works well for most women, but for those of us who get worn out by it, it?s best to make it the end goal.
Treat clitoral stimulation as something that you?re saving so you can really savor it.
You?ll have a better orgasm at the end of sex, but you might also enjoy everything that leads up to it more.
By taking my clit out of the equation, I got to really pay attention to all the other kinds of sensations and stimulation’s I was experiencing. And because I got so desperately horny in the process, the pleasure I got from them was heightened.
I also got to notice how much clitoral stimulation I get even when it?s not being pleasured. I could really feel the way my husband?s palm gently tapped against my clit while he was fingering me. I noticed the way that a good squeeze on my inner thigh could give a slight pull on my labia that I could really feel if I was paying attention.
So, if you?re as sensitive as I am but you still crave clit stimulation the most, I recommend saving it for last. Because denying yourself what you really want might be the only way to get exactly what you need.
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