A true story, inspired by recent events
Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash
? Audio version
Men! It?s Valentine?s Day. Not sure what to get your gal pal, fuck buddy, spouse, girlfriend, or side chick?
Here?s what she wants: sex.
But not just any kind of sex.
She wants sex with an alpha male.
Do you know what I mean by sex? You think you know.
But ? track with me ? what if, possibly, there?s more to sex than that?
Sex starts with noticing. Sex starts with being seen.
I?m not sure how to describe what being seen feels like, is like, so maybe I?ll go the other direction: what it?s like to NOT be seen.
Let?s call him Tim.
He wears hats and swaggers, which is fine, I have no issue with either of those. I admire a good swagger. But for some reason, Tim immediately triggered a wave of red-alert, adolescent-douchebag proximity warnings in my psyche. Like, within two minutes of meeting him.
Why? I didn?t know. I smelled it, though, and once I had enough interactions I could describe it: the lingering, musky odor of a person who sees sex as nothing more than a way to validate their identity, their personhood. In this case, manhood.
When sex is nothing more than a way to validate yourself, your own alpha manhood, women are not real people. To Tim, and others like him, a woman is nothing more than a tits-and-ass combo package. And thus I ? as an individual, a being, an actual Person with a name, feelings, ambitions, even (gasp!) sexual desires of my own, etc. ? do not exist.
I can exist, in Tim?s world, only as one of two options:
A) A tits-and-ass package, either a potential sexual partner (conquest) or current sexual partner (conquered), OR
B) Someone else?s sexual partner, a claimed woman. Any woman who falls into the B category has non-potential (having been claimed by another male), and thus is unimportant, holding zero interest or value.
I bet at this point all the women are like: Yeah girl I know exactly what you mean.
I wonder about my brothers.
Have you experienced this? Does it flow both ways?
I?m sure it can, but having experienced it only from a heterosexual female point-of-view, I don?t know.
My husband has a very different experience with this type of dude. He can exist as a valid individual Being in Tim?s world; I, on the other hand, can exist in Tim?s world only as ?the woman my husband is fucking.? Category B woman.
And that?s what it?s like to not be seen. It?s being seen only as a body to be enticed and enjoyed by someone else: nothing more.
This isn?t about hating my body or hating sex. I like both, actually. But my body isn?t me. It?s the thing that houses me. It?s a lovely package (which does, yes, include tits and ass) and I am grateful for what it gives me.
But an attempt to reduce me to nothing more than a body is juvenile and insulting.
An attempt to reduce me to nothing more than a body which exists as a conquest and source of pleasure for someone else, not even for myself, is unworthy of all of us.
If someone sees you only as a package for their conquest, validation, pleasure ? all the time, every day, everywhere, out of bed ? how good can they be at paying attention to you in bed?
And paying attention, giving attention, is necessary for a sexual experience which actually includes both partners.
Sex with someone who sees you only as a body will be limited, so limited. Maybe not bad. Maybe okay. Maybe enjoyable. Maybe he?s got some cool tricks, some fancy new moves. Maybe he?s got really great abs and silk sheets.
But the kind of sex you remember? The kind of sex you dream about? The kind of sexual connections you crave and want more of, the kind of orgasms that make you weep with ecstasy: those are about way more than the body. The deeper your connection, the greater your capacity for play, pleasure, expression, and release.
Here?s the thing about alphas: I like them.
This guy ? Tim ? he?s not an alpha male. He?s trying to prove his alpha-ness by striding through the world, dick in hand, charting his sexual conquests in a pocket-sized notebook.
Here?s another thing about alpha position: it?s not about gender.
Animal species vary. Some have female alphas. Some have male alphas. Humans? We can go either way.
In any room, any gathering, any social or business situation, who is the alpha? The person who is most comfortable.
Start looking for that person. They?re usually not the loudest, though they might be. They?re often not the one doing all the crazy shit, though sometimes they might be.
But if you need to prove you?re the alpha, you?re not.
The thing is, it?s not that tough to be the most confident, comfortable, secure person in the room. All you have to do is push yourself 1% further than most people do. A little closer to the edge.
Being the person who is most comfortable in a given situation does not mean being entirely comfortable. It does not mean you have it all figured out, or are completely free from insecurities. That kind of attainment isn?t needed, because most people don?t want to go anywhere near discomfort. They?ll hang as close to the center as they can. So if you just go 1% closer to the edge, you win. That?s all it takes.
Sex with an Alpha
When you?re comfortable, you don?t need to prove yourself. When you don?t need to prove yourself, you can quit performing. When you can quit performing, you can start being present. You can start paying attention to yourself and your partner.
You can relax, so your partner can relax, too. You can laugh at yourself, because you feel safe. When you feel safe, you help your partner feel safe. When you feel safe, it?s easier to be silly, to play, to try things, to explore.
Sex is beautiful and satisfying and fun. It is play. Play is fun when it is lighthearted and carefree.
You can?t play when you?re taking it seriously, when you?re proving something, when you?re trying to validate and conquer. Play is not fun when it is serious. It isn?t play anymore. It becomes work. It gets heavy and burdened.
Sex with an alpha is relaxed, so it can be full of play. It is all play. You can play a game of conquest, but you both know it?s a game. You can play any kind of game together, because you are safe with each other.
Sex is an expression of intimacy and connection, not a substitution for it.
Sex with an alpha is full and deep and true and real. It lets you see yourself, because your partner sees you, and you see yourself through your partner. You are naked and unashamed. You see each other. You feel safe, so you feel free to explore without urgency, to ask without shame, to receive without obligation, and to give without fear.
That is what it is like to be seen.