It?s when I like myself (and others) the most
Photo by: Dean Drobot / Shutterstock
There?s about a week during the month that I act and feel like I?m a completely different person.
She?s the person I wish I could be all the time, but she?s only here for a few days before I ovulate and a few days after.
Obviously, I?m not the only woman who experiences some changes during her cycle. But because I?ve got chronic illnesses that cause hormonal imbalances, the changes are really pronounced.
Keeping my testosterone and estrogen levels balanced is a real challenge for me. My body just won?t produce the right amount, so I have to take prescription hormone treatments. My doctor is still working on getting me the right dosage so I can live a normal life, but it?s a slow process.
I?m far from balanced, but the treatments are helping. I know because ovulation didn?t always make much of a difference. But now, around ovulation, my estrogen and testosterone levels shoot through the rough and I actually feel good ? like, really good.
And then I reach the luteal phase of my cycle and I crash. I revert back to my imbalanced, fatigued, anxiety-riddled self overnight.
It?s not just in my head. My husband has confirmed this for me. I might be polyamorous, but he?s the one who feels like he?s living with two partners.
Here are some of the things that happen to me when I?m Ovulating Emma.
Sex Is Just Bananas
Higher libido during ovulation is typical. But I become completely insatiable.
During this week, I?m in a perpetual state of arousal. I think about sex constantly and by the time I can get my hands on Mr. Austin, I?m ready to go.
It?s also when I get my money?s worth from my porn subscriptions. I let my YouTube watchlist fill up and watch adult stuff throughout the day.
The kind of sex I have is a little bit different, too. This is when I?m a little more likely to experiment. I might try out new moves, new positions, do something I read about in a blog post or saw in a porn scene.
The only downside is that daily sex wears me out. If I have it too often, I feel drained, wiped out, and completely out of it the following day.
I used to cope with that by taking bubble baths every other day so I could relieve some tension (if you know what I?m saying). And I recently discovered that getting a pussy massage doesn?t wear me out the way sex does, so that will definitely help me space things out.
I?m Friendly as Fuck
I get really outgoing and friendly when I?m in ovulation mode. Those hormones just put me in the mood to connect.
I reach out to a lot more people during this time. I post on social media a bit more. I?m more likely to leave comments on posts I read.
When I get a nice response on one of my articles, I?m more likely to respond instead of just clapping.
I tend to be a little flirty, but Ovulation Emma just can?t hold it back. If I have the opportunity to say something that should be accompanied with a wink (or maybe even a peach emoji), I really, really want to say it. I even consider going online (Reddit, Fetlife, Pornhub, wherever) to find someone I can flirt and talk dirty to.
Some months, I even start thinking that maybe polyamory can work for me in practice. I normally think that I don?t have room in my life for someone else, and that probably no one else will want to fit themselves into this life full of screaming children anyway. But give me those ovulation hormones and I start thinking, ?Maybe I?ll post a dating ad, see who I can find.?
My Creativity Is Off the Charts
I?m brimming with creative energy when I?m ovulating.
I work on articles daily and post almost daily, but my creativity isn?t quite as consistent. I can go days without a decent blog post idea.
Thankfully, I?m getting better at channeling my energies when my hormones are flowing fast. I spend the week looking for inspiration and I come up with multiple ideas a day.
More than half the content I write in a month is conceived during this small window. I bank it up while I can because I know I?m about to go into an emotional hibernation.
My content also gets noticeably dirtier during this time. My mind is basically in the gutter 24 hours a day, so I get a little explicit and extra descriptive.
I?m Confident and Optimistic
Ovulation also makes me feel really bold and confident. I start to focus on the upside of everything and I worry a little bit less about the anxieties that normally hold me back.
I think of coming out. I seriously consider changing my profile photo so that it shows my real face.
When I talk myself out of doing that, I still have this desire to reveal myself to someone. To find a writer I like, or someone I?ve been just ever so slightly friendly with on Facebook and PM them my face and maybe even my name.
It?s not like I forget all the reasons that normally hold me back. They?re just not quite as deafening as they normally are.
My extra confidence also gives me a thicker skin. Negative comments don?t get to me as much. I?m far more likely to laugh them off than I am to get in a funk over them. I?m working on this in general, but when I?m ovulating, it just comes naturally.
I?ll even take photos of myself. I?m normally very reluctant to turn the camera on myself, but when I?m feeling a rush of confidence, I?ll snap a few selfies. I?ll consider a few risque shots, too, because why the fuck not?
Post-Ovulation Blues
And then it all comes crashing back down. The ovulation phase ends and my post-ovulation blues sets in.
I start doubting myself and over-analyzing every little mistake I make. I tell myself I should just quit writing.
My libido crashes ? every night, it?s cuddles with Mr. Austin and we watch YouTube videos or Netflix instead of XConfessions or Cherry Crush (no complaints there, but it?d be nice if I could bring myself to throw a little fucking in the mix once in a while).
I go right back in my shell. I don?t interact with people as much, and I usually thank Ovulation Emma for not showing my face to the world before I?m really ready. I try to forget all the selfies I took that show some skin.
And in general, I?m just kind of down in the dumps for a week or two. My motivation, mood, and general mental state all feel deflated.
I always knew that I got hornier during ovulation. Until my hormones got really out of whack, though, I had no idea just how much of my personality was regulated by my cycle.
I love Ovulation Emma. She feels like the real me. If I can get my dosing right, I?m hoping that I can have even a pale, faint version of her throughout the rest of my cycle.
Until then, I?ll keep reminding myself to take it easy, burn through the content ideas I banked up, and enjoy the cuddles.
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