But it didn?t work out the way it did in the movies?
Photo by Nickie Joseph on Unsplash
If I?ve learned one thing from watching years and years of porn it?s that things don?t always work out in real life the way they do in films, and I never should have suspected this would be any different.
My boyfriend right after high school loved football.
He?d been a running back for his high school and didn?t go to college, so he relived his glory days every Sunday, Monday, and sometimes Thursdays watching pro-football in the fall, and loved it when I wore his jerseys.
At the time, the movie Varsity Blues was fairly new, and Scotty, my boyfriend, made an innocent suggestion that he might like to see me wearing the whipped cream bikini made infamous by Ali Larter in 1999.
So, okay. I had an image of myself looking like this:
Gif from Tenor
But there were a number of problems with me getting my whipped cream bikini to look like Ali Larter?s.
Primarily, my breasts are about four times the size of hers, full dangling D?s, and there would be no way I would get perfect round gobs of whipped cream on them unless I only covered my nipple area and a little more around it, but then what would happen to the cherries? My cherries might bounce off while I?m walking and roll away?
And how the hell did she get the whipped cream to stay so perfectly on her bush while she was walking around the house?
Oh, I know!
Because it was in the script!
Although my post-high school body was the best body I ever had, it was still no Ali Larter flat stomached body.
I still had curves and a little pooch of a stomach, I was always at least a size twelve, but back then the curves weren?t rolls, they were sexy.
Still, I didn?t think it would be sexy to stand around in whipped cream waiting for Scotty to get home one day, so I did the next best thing?
I waited in his bed.
This, I thought, I could do.
I had a plan.
I would lay down in his bed and apply the whipped cream and cherries to my breasts and bush, and then I would wait for him, because he promised he wouldn?t be long.
For some reason it made sense to do my bush first, so I shook up my whipped cream can and squirted a bunch onto my bush, trying to cover everything, the inner and outer parts.
Once that was done, I laid down and sighed as my breasts each rolled to one side, even as a teenager they were too big to just stand straight up and be perky, those bitches!
So, I did the best I could. I sprayed the whipped cream in circles from my nipple outwards and sort of sat up a little bit so at least both breasts were in front of me.
Finally, I applied three cherries (my bush got one, Ali Larter?s didn?t!) and waited for Scotty.
And soon, the whipped cream started melting and sliding off of my breasts and toward his sheets, so I quickly scuttled down into a laying flat position, hoping it would stop gravity, but alas, gravity always wins, and fifteen minutes after applying my whipped cream bra I had a cream puddle in the bed next to me with a cherry floating in the middle and I didn?t know what to do.
That was about the time Scotty walked in, and promptly started laughing at me, a complete, mouth covered guffaw.
?I was trying ? ? I started to say.
?I know exactly what you were trying to do,? he said as he started pulling off his clothes. ?That?s sweet, baby.?
?I am sweet.?
?You?re going to taste sweet.?
We ignored the whipped cream puddles and I lay back and enjoyed Scotty licking the remains of cream from my breasts and nipples which took him longer than I thought it would, and it actually would have been a very sensual experience if it weren?t for the shenanigans that got me to that place.
Then, he moved down to my pussy, and I spread my legs.
He went to town licking the cream from my folds and crevices, finally coming to my clit where he licked and sucked me to orgasm, and then he sat back, whipped cream all over his face.
I looked down.
?What about the rest??
Scotty?s eyes practically bugged out of his head.
?You want me to clean your whole bush with my tongue??
It had occurred to me that Ali Larter probably had a perfectly shaved pussy, but I didn?t, and I could tell by Scotty?s expression that the LAST thing he wanted to do was get in there and clean me off.
And really? I couldn?t blame him.
I was done with whipped cream at that point.
We got in the shower and the rest of the cream washed away down the drain, along with my dreams of recreating Ali Larter?s sexiest, iconic moment.
?That didn?t work out as I?d planned,? I said to Scotty when we were done showering and I was helping him changed his whipped creamed on sheets.
?I think it would be more fun for you if we tried peanut butter next time,? he said.
Scotty was nothing if not creative in bed.
And he was right about the peanut butter.
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