Even open relationships cross boundaries you don?t expect sometimes.
Photo by Dainis Graveris on SexualAlpha
Though it may sound off when I say, I watched my girlfriend have sex with my boyfriend, it?s a truth that?s happened more than once in my life. Granted, the labels of the various people involved have changed somewhat, but the gist of the statement remains the same.
I?ve watched, and participated in, sexual encounters with people I?m in a long-term relationship with, including others I?m in a relationship with.
Each encounter has been consensual and for the most part, a lot of fun. The majority of them have been discussed well ahead of time, planned almost to death, so that each party involved is as comfortable as possible. There?s nothing worse than being in the middle of group sex and finding out you weren?t really okay with your partner kissing someone else or giving oral.
Every poly or open relationship is different and comes with different expectations or rules when it comes to encounters with other people.
If you were to ask my second husband if there were rules involved with our open relationship, he would likely tell you, no, there were not. That?s mostly because he didn?t care to follow them, unless they suited him. However, like most relationships, whether you?re monogamous or polyamorous, there are expectations (if you don?t want to call them rules) within the relationship. Hard limits, if you will, that each person involved is expected not to cross, lest it cause issues.
Your mileage may vary and communication, as always, is key. In any poly relationship there are a lot of moving parts, so talking with one another and taking stock on a regular basis is even more important than in a traditional monogamous relationship.
The more people involved, the more you need to remain in touch with how each person is feeling about things.
It sounds like a lot of work and it is. But it?s well worth the effort. If the thought of all that open, raw, honest, and vulnerable conversation scares the pants off you, polyamory may not be right for you.
Ten years ago, I was married to my second husband and we were in an open, poly, relationship. I won?t get into the extra partners he had, as they aren?t germane to this story. Besides our relationship, I also had a boyfriend and a girlfriend.
One thing that?s important to note, when it comes to poly relationships is, not everyone is always involved with one another. I was not involved with anyone my husband was seeing (sexually) nor was he involved with anyone I was seeing (sexually) at this point in our relationship. There were times that was different, when we were attending swinger?s parties.
My girlfriend and my boyfriend also were not involved with one another.
There was no particular reason for this, other than simplicity. My boyfriend, Dan, was in the military and lived on base, about an hour from me. My girlfriend, Becky, lived about an hour from me as well, in the opposite direction.
There just wasn?t a time when the two of them were ever at my house together, so it wasn?t a conversation that came up. They knew about each other, they just hadn?t met.
When my boyfriend?s unit was being deployed, I planned a weekend-long party at my home and invited Becky, along with anyone Dan and I were close to in his unit. The plan was to enjoy the weekend, cooking out, having drinks, and spending time together before the six month deployment began.
The party was a hit. A local karaoke bar provided a lot of entertainment and made the guys feel pretty great about themselves for the entire weekend. We didn?t pay for many of our drinks, between the bar itself providing discounted tabs and patrons buying drinks for the unit.
Back at the house, there was enough food for an army, no pun intended, and the party carried on throughout the weekend.
As happens when you get a group of testosterone fueled Marines together, it was wild and loud. By Saturday evening, we lost a few of our friends back to base, as they were getting to be a bit too much even for my open-minded neighborhood.
SSgt would have my head if any of them got arrested on their last weekend home!
We ended up with our regular group of guys who always managed to find their way to my house. It was a haven of sorts, where they knew they would be welcomed, be able to enjoy a home cooked meal, and wash their uniforms.
This weekend, we had an added guest in Becky and at least two of the guys were pretty convinced they had met their match. Unbeknownst to them, she wasn?t the least bit interested.
She was sending me texts throughout the night, as the alcohol kicked in, letting me know she thought Dan was really hot. I giggled and replied, ?Well, I?m not arguing. I?m dating him, aren?t I??
Little did she know, Dan was also sending me texts. ?She?s pretty cute babe.? ?I know, I?m dating her, aren?t I??
We started playing strip poker and all bets were off. The two extra guys decided it was time for bed, they figured out through the three of us flirting, they weren?t getting anywhere and didn?t want to watch their hopes and dreams fade away.
Though we never talked about having a threesome before this, it just seemed natural to end up in bed together. That doesn?t mean it wasn?t awkward.
Since I was in a relationship with both of them already, though separately, I figured it would make sense if I started things off.
I?ve always heard it?s every guy?s fantasy to be with two women, and I?ve never been told no if I?ve brought it up, so Becky and I making out and touching one another sounded like a great place to start.
It had its intended effect.
Dan was ready to join in no time, all awkwardness and nervousness abated.
Saying this was the best threesome I ever had would be a lie. I don?t know if it was due to lack of planning or too much alcohol, but it felt off. No one?s feelings were hurt and it was still a lot of fun.
But the first time awkwardness never fully left the room.
I feel lucky this experience didn?t change the relationships I had with Dan and Becky separately. There was never an opportunity for us to try another threesome and I?m okay with that. I?ve had a few since and one in particular shines as being one of the most stellar experiences I?ve ever had, so I?m not complaining.
In the end, I think it comes down to your comfort level with yourself. I was getting there, back then, but not to the extent I am today. Being open about who you are sexually and as a person within your relationship means being honest and vulnerable.
Once you?re ready to do that for yourself, it?s a whole new world.
It?s Okay if You?re Not Monogamous
Just make sure you?re communicating with everyone involved.
Demeter deLune is a writer forged in the fires of desire. If you love reading her naughty tales of love and lust, sign up for her email list.