At least, I think I do.
Image by Arthur Halucha from Pixabay
Back when I was briefly married, but not having sex, I started fantasizing about being with a woman. Unfortunately, this was also around the time of the overly hyped up kisses between girls on One Tree Hill and The OC.
As a horny newlywed who was not getting any due to vaginismus, I began writing fanfic and erotica. I became a voracious reader of steamy online stories written by strangers too.
Most of the storylines revolved around two young women playing out my own personal (and hidden) sexual desires.
My female fantasies were taboo yet strangely comforting. I stayed up late to watch Talk Sex with Sue Johansson along with some softcore porn show for women that might have been called Bliss.
My husband never knew about these habits, and I certainly never told him about my thoughts. Our biggest foray into any remotely queer entertainment was catching up on Buffy reruns before the final season aired.
I thought it was “just a phase.”
Fifteen, sixteen years ago, my generation didn?t seem to view sexuality as something fluid or on any spectrum. You were either this label or that. Gay, straight, maybe bisexual.
One of the most popular guys in my high school was supposedly bi. When he asked me out in ninth grade I declined because I didn?t think I could hide dating someone like him from my mom. He was more experienced and gritty than me, though practically everybody was since I was still stuck in so many of my evangelical ways. Not to mention my mother wasn’t a far stretch from the mother in Stephen King’s Carrie.
I liked him, but I was too scared to date him because his status as a bisexual made him taboo in my mind.
Having queer friends and classmates wasn?t the same thing as having queer fantasies myself. In high school and college, I was curious about sex in general, but I never had fantasies about being with a woman until I tried (and failed) to have penetrative sex.
Are long-held fantasies ever really a phase?
My female fantasies surprised me as soon as they first popped up. At first, I chalked them up to the sexual dissatisfaction in my marriage. And of course, this was during a resurgence of “lesbian kiss episodes” on TV.
But the fantasies didn’t stop once I recovered from vaginismus and began to enjoy penetrative intercourse with men.
It’s true that my queer fantasies tend to dissipate some when I feel sexually satisfied with a male partner, but they have never completely gone away. That’s what really surprised me. A couple of years ago, I started thinking that maybe this was never a phase.
Maybe this was always me after all.
I don’t think I need a label, do I?
In the past, I have considered myself heterosexual or possibly bicurious, but generally hetero because I have never felt individually attracted to any individual woman.
So, I?ve had no girl crushes… okay, except for actress Sarah Rue. But I’m not positive if it’s genuine attraction or simply wishing I was so fucking adorable. It could be the latter.
When other women have propositioned me on FetLife or what have you, I haven’t been interested in them. But also, there?s typically a husband or boyfriend involved and that?s not my thing since I don’t want to be some random couple’s unicorn.
There’s also the issue of being demisexual, so I’m rarely attracted to anyone. Even men.
So, if I’m honest with myself these days, I don’t think I need a label to enjoy having sex with other women. But I also don’t know if I really do enjoy it.
I’m open to possibilities.
What am I waiting for?
Clearly, we live in incredible times for individuals who want to explore their sexuality and ditch the labels altogether. At the same time, we’re not there yet with social justice for queer people. I can’t help but feel privileged because I have the option to hide my fantasies and pursue heterosexual encounters alone. Some folks don’t have that luxury.
And a few years ago, I did have one threesome with a man and a woman. While it was interesting, I didn?t feel attraction to that particular woman. I’m glad I did it, but it also didn’t satisfy my curiosity or fantasy at all.
Nearly every time I have a solo sex session, I wind up feeling especially horny to get it on with another woman. And to this day, girl-on-girl porn makes me wetter than ever watching a man and a woman on screen. To be honest, seeing men and women have sex does pretty much nothing for me.
But watching two women kiss and hunger for each other? That stirs up something deep within me.
I?m not sure if my fantasies are rooted in taboo or reality.
When I say I fantasize about having sex with a woman, I’m not just talking about any woman, and not just in any old way.
I keep wanting to experience sex with another woman who wouldn?t mind teaching me. A woman who would want to go down on me despite my timidity and full bush.
A woman who would take her time with me to really make love to me? knowing it takes me time to release my inhibitions.
Personally, that seems like a lot to ask of anyone. I?ve seen Kissing Jessica Stein and I know how it ends. I understand the awkwardness when Ms. Stein had no qualms receiving oral sex, yet felt squeamish to give it herself.
And I worry a lot about being selfish. (I also wonder how many men worry about selfishness in their own fantasies.)
Of course, some fantasies feel more selfish than others. Group sex interests me. I?ve got one certain fantasy about being serviced (for lack of a better word) by three women at once. One would be eating my pussy while two other women sucked my tits. Of course, I wouldn?t mind vaginal penetration at the same time.
It?s a nice little fantasy that I wouldn?t mind coming to fruition, but have no expectations of actually happening. The main thing that makes me uncomfortable about it is the fact that I would never want to treat people like sexual objects there to serve me.
Once again, I suppose that’s the demisexual in me. Just sex is never my thing, so why do I have these long-running sexual fantasies I can’t shake?
I can’t deny this is at least partly about sex without a penis.
While I do believe I?d be up for another threesome with the right kind of man and woman for me, the truth is that I?d much rather enjoy these sexual encounters with another woman completely removed from the male gaze.
Knowing that I don?t need a penis for incredible orgasms, just attention to my clit and maybe some fisting? I think it?s more than time to try a thoroughly female exploration.
But we?re talking about fantasies that are close to two decades old. And it’s no secret that I’ve had a ton of sexual hangups that took years for me to overcome just to start enjoying sex with men.
I suspect our sexuality is much more fluid than we usually think.
Last night, I had a dream that made me decide to write about my sexual fantasies. I’ve touched upon them in the past, but today I wanted to be much more explicit. As embrrassing as that may be.
So many of us have been conditioned to believe that sex is bound by arbitrary labels. Or, we feel bound by various stigmas. To be honest, I’ve felt a ton of stigma about being a mother with practically any sexual urges.
It doesn’t matter that my daughter always comes first or that my sexual life has been largely on hold since she was born. Coming from a strict evangelical upbringing means I still hear the judgmental voices run through my mind.
Many stories by Elle Beau and Emma Austin have helped me deal with the weird mom guilt. I see two wonderful moms who are opening up about their own sexual experiences with men and women. Reading other moms who talk about their sex lives helps me feel less weird, more human.
But I can’t help but think that more honesty about our sexual fantasies could make a positive difference for men and women alike. Too many people have been taught that their sexual kinks or desires are disgusting or peculiar when maybe they just need to talk it out and explore themselves further.
I can’t say that I’m going to explore any of these fantasies anytime soon, but I am at more peace knowing that these desires are likely here to stay.
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