It wasn?t my first threesome, but it was the first with someone I loved ? and that made all the difference
Photo: Clem Onojeghuo/Unsplash
A threesome between my boyfriend, myself, and another woman was something I had personally fantasized about for a long time. I enjoyed watching threesome porn on my own and, when my boyfriend and I went to strip clubs, it turned me on to see him get lap dances.
The idea of another woman in our bed was casually mentioned in conversation, and then the idea stuck with us. We started dirty talking to each other about what we would do with another woman. We started watching porn together that fit our fantasy. My boyfriend and I discovered how much we wanted to invite another woman into our sex life.
One of the best things about our relationship is how open we?ve always been about many things. Our history, our fetishes, our porn habits, things we?d like to try, etc. We?re never embarrassed to ask the other, ?Hey, I want to try this. What do you think??
My boyfriend was aware that, although I had never dated a woman before, I definitely had my share of drunken hookups with girls in college. They?d start off innocently enough, making out at parties, but then my roommate and I would end up sneaking off into each other?s bedrooms and having sex. More often than not, we?d end up having a threesome with the cute guy who lived in our building.
My college threesome nights always involved lots of alcohol and loud music, and they were always fun, unplanned, and casual. No one was dating anyone and as far as I could tell, no feelings involved. I can?t recall ever having a bad casual threesome.
But my boyfriend and I knew, if we actually did this, it would not be like those nights I shared with my college roommate. Bringing another woman home to share my boyfriend with would not be casual at all. If handled poorly, it could end terribly.
But if handled with care, it could be an incredible night.
One night, we were out at a strip club, and we met her. She was funny, hot, and most importantly, we really got along with her. She gave both of us lap dances while we bonded over our love for tequila. My boyfriend and I wondered if she was the girl we were looking for, so we asked her out to dinner to see how we?d get along outside of the club. She seemed thrilled, and we exchanged numbers.
Our idea behind getting to know her outside of the club was logical. We wanted to make sure we weren?t inviting a psycho into our home. We wanted to see how she handled her liquor, and how she carried herself outside of the club. We wanted to know her on a different level.
But it makes perfect sense to me now, why some couples who regularly have threesomes, say they?ll only do it when they know they?ll never see the third person again. Sometimes, they don?t even exchange real names, and if possible, they don?t exchange phone numbers. They stay completely anonymous, and they keep the lines very clear. As if they?re saying, ?We are doing this, but we will never see each other again.?
But that?s not the way we handled it. We took our new friend out for dinner a few nights after meeting her, and we approached the situation exactly like we were going to be lifelong friends. We asked her about her childhood and we learned her parents were happily married. She told us how she was saving up for school and she shared how she sang and played the guitar in her free time. She was kind, funny, and down-to-earth, and we were happy to know her.
After dinner, we started a group text between the three of us, and we planned another dinner date for that week. We figured if the next date went well, we?d invite her home with us.
But what I couldn?t see is that, the more we communicated with her, the more we were transforming her role from a fantasy girl to part of our reality. Lines were being blurred. She was no longer this fictitious character in my sexual fantasy.
I was finding myself jealous of this person I had invited into my life.
She was now a real woman from a small town with two younger siblings. She had a dog named Lucy. She wanted to come with us to the movies the following weekend because she loved Quentin Tarantino. She was now very real.
Feelings of insecurity I never knew I was capable of began to flood my mind, and everything changed. I thought I was secure in my relationship, I was sure of it. Yet, bringing someone into our sex life was now something I was questioning.
As the days crept by, closer and closer to our date night, I found myself annoyed by comments she?d make in our group text or just wishing she?d cancel with us altogether. Someone I had been happy to hear from just a few days ago was now causing me distress and I was confused as to why. I was finding myself jealous of this person I had invited into my life.
But I kept pushing my feelings aside, confused as to why I was feeling them in the first place when I claimed to be such a secure and confident woman.
The day came when I could no longer deny the fact that I was becoming disinterested in the threesome altogether. I brought it up to my boyfriend, and he was completely understanding. He assured me it wasn?t anything out of the ordinary for someone to feel uneasy about another woman laughing at all of his jokes, or flirting with him through text.
He asked me if I was sure I still wanted to do it. He said, ?We can cancel on her and never see her again. You know that, right? We don?t have to do this and in fact, if you?re not feeling 100% about it, I think it?s best if we don?t do it. You have to be honest with me.?
He asked me for complete honesty, and I screwed up.
I fought my feelings. I told him I still wanted to do it. I was trying to convince myself to be a cool and carefree girlfriend and just try it. Isn?t this what I had been fantasizing about all these years?
Well, that was true, but I wasn?t ready for the aftermath. I wanted the fantasy, but I couldn?t handle the real thing.
The night of our dinner arrived. My boyfriend asked me again if I was still interested in having dinner with her and I again convinced him, and myself, that I was. But every second we spent with her, I struggled to be nice to her. When dinner wrapped up, and I realized she was coming home with us, I continued to fight my jealousy. I wanted to convince myself I wasn?t ?that? girl who would feel threatened.
?That girl? was weak and insecure in my mind.
The threesome happened. A million thoughts raced through my mind as it was happening. But I kept my cool and did my best to enjoy myself. And then, it was over.
She went home, and I broke down. My boyfriend felt extremely guilty, questioning over and over if we had just made a big mistake. It wasn?t a mistake, it was a learning experience for both of us. We learned of our boundaries, the importance of communication, and how no one single person out there is invincible, no matter how hard we may try to convince ourselves otherwise.
I learned more about myself through this experience than anything I?ve ever lived through. And I don?t regret any of it, because, without this night, I might still believe I?m that tough-as-bricks girl who won?t ever feel threatened by someone else, which is not true. I know I?m not invincible. None of us are. We all have real feelings that get hurt and threatened, and that only makes us human.
But communication is everything. In order for my relationship with my partner to stay strong, I have to be honest about what I?m feeling. I was given so many opportunities to speak and say, ?Hey. I?m actually not into this anymore. Let?s not do it.? My partner would?ve immediately been on board and said, ?Okay, no problem.?
I should?ve said something. I should?ve done things differently. But we learned through it. And that?s most important to us.
A version of this article was originally featured at Mamamia.com.