Even if it doesn?t come naturally to you
Photo by: Julia Pleskachevskaia / Shutterstock
I listen to the piercing sound of the modem, waiting impatiently to log into Hotmail.
It?s the fall of 2004 and I?m dating a guy who sends me the hottest emails I?ve ever received. They?re filled with dirty details of all the things he wants to do to my body when he finally gets his hands on me again. Every line leaves me more flustered than the last.
When we finally see each other again, I?m already horny from all the anticipation. I?m ready to throw myself on the bed and let him have his way with me.
Only, it?s not as hot or as passionate as I thought it would be. It?s fun, but something?s missing.
And then it hits me ? he?s completely silent.
The guy who made me blush at my computer screen turned out to be a quiet a fuck.
It was disappointing but it wasn?t unusual. A lot of the guys I hooked up with were quiet and almost none of them said a word. They fucked me like they had taken a vow of silence.
The dirty emails were better than nothing. But they weren?t my introduction to dirty talk. That came with porn.
When my parents were out of the house, I would go to the living room and watch the porn channels our satellite receiver picked up.
I was alone, so I never had to mute it. I got to hear all the breathy, nasty stuff the performers said to each other while fucking.
It was hot, but it?s Night Calls that showed little 12-year-old Emma just how arousing words can be. Night Calls aired on Playboy TV and was basically a call-in show. People would phone in to share their sexual fantasies or sexual stories. Just hearing them was enough ? I would?ve kept listening even without the visuals.
Those shows were my introduction to sex, and it gave me the impression that it was a very vocal activity.
Everyone announced what they were going to do. Moaned about what they wanted to do. Took a cock out of their mouth mid-blowjob just to declare how much they loved sucking it.
I was taking notes (figuratively speaking). So, when I started actually having sex, I was surprised that the only sounds filling the room were groans and squeaky mattress coils.
The Relationship That Took My Voice
As much as I love dirty talk, I didn?t vocalize much while getting fucked.
At first, I was just shy. My virginity was still a recent memory and I was still trying to figure out how to talk dirty without feeling silly.
But then I fell for an emotionally abusive guy and I stayed with him for a few months.
He was always looking for ways to violate my boundaries, especially when it came to sex. That included forcing me to say things I didn?t want to say. He would demand them from me and he sometimes seemed to get off on embarrassing me more than he got off from fucking me.
That kind of ruined it for me. Every time I thought of being vocal in bed, it brought me back to the humiliation I felt with him.
Some people say that abusive relationships robbed them of their voice. That?s exactly how I felt when it came to talking dirty. I had the urge to say sweet and nasty stuff during sex, but I couldn?t bring myself to do it. I felt muted.
But in a weird way, that made dirty talk even more important to me. Hearing the right words whispered in my ears can soak my panties. But working up the courage to do it myself would feel like I was reclaiming something that was taken from me.
Training My Husband
My love for dirty talk didn?t die just because it became hard for me to do. I still got off to it and looked up porn with dirty talk as the theme. For a while, it was one of my biggest search terms.
I also really wanted my husband to talk dirty to me, but I knew he was too embarrassed to do it. He didn?t have any difficult or traumatic experiences related to it. He just thought dirty talk was for alpha dudes and that it wouldn?t sound right coming from a sexy beta like him.
I knew he was wrong, but I was too ashamed to ask him to do it. I didn?t want to admit it was something I wanted. And I didn?t think I could reciprocate anyway, so I told myself it would be unfair to ask.
Getting him out of his shell was a very slow process. I eventually worked up the nerve to tell him it would be hot to hear some dirty talk. The only problem was he didn?t know where to begin. He tried a few things, but they were a little too mild.
I started writing erotica around this time. I showed him my drafts and that gave him an idea of the kinds of things I wanted to hear.
He ran some lines by me and asked me if any of them crossed any boundaries for me. I told him, ?I don?t want to be called a slut or a whore or anything like that. Just say some dirty stuff without insulting me.?
He started whispering and growling hot things in my ear whenever we had sex.
He would tell me how good it felt to fuck me.
He would tell me how good my pussy tasted.
He would tell me how badly he wanted his cock in my ass.
It drove me fucking wild.
I gave him permission to take the filter off and just say whatever comes to his mind when we?re fucking, and I?ve been enjoying every word of it since.
He got more comfortable and confident over time. He knows just what to say to me and exactly when to say it, too.
His timing is impeccable. He knows when I?m about to come and he knows that saying the right thing will help me climax sooner, harder, and sometimes even more often.
The last time we fucked, he said some dirty shit to me while I was coming. I can barely remember exactly what he said, but I can?t forget what it did to me. I had what I can only describe as a triple orgasm ? it felt like I had three of them back-to-back, propelled by his words.
And to think I waited years before asking him to do this.
How to Talk Dirty
I taught my husband to talk dirty. I?m making an effort to repay the favor by doing it, too. Here?s the approach that?s working for both of us.
Set Boundaries and Communicate
Setting limits made a big difference. Because I know they?re in place, I can just enjoy myself. My husband knows I don?t want to be called a nasty little whore during sex, so I can moan to him telling me how much he loves to eat me out without worrying that he?ll take things too far.
It?s really important not to guess. Even something as seemingly innocent as complimentary dirty talk can bother some people. I?ve had some very self-conscious periods of my life. During those, complimenting my tits or my ass (or worse, my thighs or stomach) during sex wouldn?t have turned me on ? they would?ve just made me hyper-aware of them.
There are also a few phrases that are triggering for me, and I?m sure a lot of people have theirs, too.
It?s hard to come up with a list of all the words and phrases you don?t want to hear, so it?s best to figure out what type of dirty talk you like and what types don?t work for you. I?ve broken dirty talk down to three broad categories.
There?s descriptive dirty talk. This basically boils down to naming sexual activities while you?re doing them. It sounds basic, but it?s actually really hot. It?s like you?re so into the thing you?re doing that you can?t help but just say it out loud. It?s the soundtrack of enthusiastic participation.
Examples:
?Yes, eat that pussy!?
?I?m going to fuck you hard.?
?You like having my tits in your face??
Then there?s the complimentary dirty talk. It?s the stuff you say when you lavish praise on your partner?s body, on the way they?re doing things, or the way they?re making you feel.
Having sex is such a naked and vulnerable act. Saying nice, sweet, but very adult things to your partner is a great way to alleviate insecurities and focus on the positive.
Everyone likes being validated, appreciated, and admired. Doubly so when they?re fucking.
Examples:
?I love the way your cock feels inside me.?
?Your pussy tastes so good.?
?I love that ass of yours.?
And there?s the kind of dirty talk that would be considered slander if it?s used in the wrong context.
This stuff is too much for me. It?s where I set my limit and I?ve asked my husband not to slip into this kind of stuff. I?m not interested in using it, either.
But I completely get why it?s hot. I sometimes like reading it in an erotic story or hearing it in porn.
I love really dirty sex. I love really nasty sex. And even though I don?t get off on humiliation or degradation, I can see how it would make everything even more extreme.
Examples:
?You?re such a dirty little slut.?
?Fuck me harder, you pathetic cocksucker!?
Share Concrete Examples
I don?t do well with abstract concepts. Mr. Austin didn?t either. When I asked him to talk dirty to me, he wasn?t sure what to say. But he figured it out really quickly once he had some examples.
Just being asked to say something dirty is like being asked to tell a joke out of the blue. You know jokes, but that?s so vague you end up drawing a blank.
I shared some erotica with my husband to show him what kind of words I find arousing in bed. He?s told me the kinds of things he finds hot, too.
If you?re looking for a simple way to clue in your partner, find a porn video that has dirty talk you love and send it to them. Tell them that?s the kind of thing you want to hear. That way, they won?t be left guessing and trying to figure it out while you?re fucking.
Dip Your Toes in First
Start small. Going from moaning to non-stop erotic whispers is daunting.
Until you get into the habit of doing it and develop a naughty rhythm, just say one dirty thing while having sex.
I?ve been priming myself to talk dirty by rehearsing one line at a time. I run it through my head over and over and tell myself I?m going to say it the next time I?m fucking. It?s just one little sentence, so it feels doable.
I don?t always say it ? sometimes, I back out and keep the words to myself. But coming to the bedroom prepared with one phrase locked and loaded makes it more likely that I?ll try it out.
And these aren?t, like, super porny things, either. I still have to talk myself up just to say things like ?That feels so good.?
So, pick one thing and say it if it feels natural. Even something as simple as ?I love your tits? or ?Give me that cock? is going to help you express yourself more freely and more frequently.
Keep Giving Feedback
Talking dirty isn?t always easy, so when your partner is doing it, let them know how you feel about it.
Moaning in approval, running your hands through their hair, or just groaning an ?oh yes? is a simple way to give them a green light so you can get more out of it. And reacting a little less enthusiastically can give a yellow or red light to anything that makes you uncomfortable so they can stop before it really turns you off.
When my husband says the right things, I moan, groan, or let out a sound that I can only describe as a horny little whine to let him know his words are getting me excited.
He?s missed the mark a couple of times, but all I had to do in those cases was say something like ?that?s a little much? or ?that doesn?t work for me? and that was the end of it. We went right back to all the good stuff and neither of us had to feel awkward for it.
Finding My Voice
The funny thing about dirty talk is that none of the words bother me. I use them all in casual conversation. But when I string them together to try and sound sexy, I just can?t.
I even have trouble reading dirty stuff out loud when I?m putting together my daily Instagram story. Sometimes, I?ll change the line because I can?t stand the way I say ?fucking my pussy.?
I?ve spent a long time trying to keep my voice mostly out of sex. That?s why I was extremely nervous when I was recently drawn into some phone sex. At first, I would just breathe, moan, and come as loudly as I could. But having the sounds I make be my only contribution to the act was new for me.
As I got more comfortable, I started throwing in a few words. Just the ones that came naturally ? your standard ?fucks,? ?oh my gods,? and ?fuck yeses.? But it was a step forward.
It also taught me a little more about what I like. Until then, I?ve only had one guy talk dirty to me. Dealing with someone else?s repertoire really opened my eyes. There were things I never thought would get me off, but they just worked when I heard them coming from him.
I thought hearing ?good girl? would feel patronizing and that being called ?baby? would be too cheesy and generic. But now I know that in the right context, and maybe from the right person, those words can make me uncomfortably wet. And even though they never brought me to a triple orgasm, they did help me come.
I said that I was hesitant to ask my husband to talk dirty to me because I thought it wouldn?t be fair if I didn?t do the same for him. Now that he?s doing it regularly, I haven?t felt any pressure, but I do feel envy. I see the way he talks to me so confidently and says whatever he wants to say, and I wish I could do the same. I wish I could just blurt out whatever crosses my mind while he?s licking my clit or fucking me hard.
I?m not there yet, but I?ve made some progress. I?ve kept it simple and occasionally given him some instructions like ?Fuck me harder? and ?Why don?t you fuck my ass?? I?ve also managed to work in a few words of encouragement like ?Don?t stop? and ?I?m gonna come.?
And with every little sentence I let spill from my lips, I discover just how good it feels to let loose and just say whatever I want to say. Not just because I feel proud that I?ve worked up the nerve to do it, but because it actually feels physically arousing to say those things. Sometimes, saying ?I?m gonna come? is exactly what makes me come ? it brings me there faster than I would have otherwise and, as far as I can tell, it helps me come harder, too.
So, I?m experimenting. I haven?t overcome the embarrassment. Sometimes, I feel too shy to say much. Sometimes, I feel a little twinge of shame after I let too many words out. But saying more in bed already feels liberating.
It feels good to be able to tell the guy I love just how much I appreciate him, his body, and everything he does with it.
It?s made fucking even more fun than it already was.
I don?t feel like the words are stuck in my throat anymore. I?m getting the strength to say things I never could before. And there?s nothing sexier than that.
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