It?s one of the best types of foreplay
Photo by: Y Photo Studio / Shutterstock
I have some back problems I was born with. They didn?t always bother me too much and I could mostly forget about them.
That changed a few years ago.
I was driving through downtown traffic with my husband and our daughters. I felt a strong and terrifying jolt and gripped hard on the steering wheel in panic.
I felt like I was in a bumper car being bounced around, but I didn?t know what was happening until I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that a service van had rammed into us ? and slammed us into the car ahead of us.
My thoughts went immediately to my daughters. I looked back at them, secure in their car seats. They seemed shaken but unharmed. We checked on them and took stock of ourselves.
The van was totaled but, incredibly, the girls were fine. Mr. Austin was fine, too.
I felt intense pain coursing through my back.
I waited for it to go away but it never did. The night of the accident, I couldn?t sleep ? all I could do was lie awake crying. The pain was unbearable.
After several sleepless, sobbing nights and several days where I was barely able to move, it was clear to me that this wasn?t going to get better on its own.
My doctor told me I had suffered whiplash. It left with me with a concussion that made me feel lightheaded and sensitive to lights for a few months. But it?s my back that really suffered. I was put on a bunch of pain meds and sent for six months of physical therapy, including massages several times a week.
Since the accident, my back aches more easily and the pain is more intense. The damage is permanent, but the relief is only temporary. I needed a way to soothe the pain and discomfort at home. Heating pads help and so do warm baths. But nothing works as well as a massage.
Mr. Austin was in grad school at the time. I was minding our kids all day. Regular visits with a masseuse just weren?t in the cards for me.
Either out of love, frugality, or a combination of the two, my husband took it upon himself to learn how to give me a proper massage. He?d given me back rubs before (he?s not a monster) but he wanted to know how to really relieve the aches and tension in my muscles.
Several articles and YouTube videos later and I had my very own personal, in-house masseuse.
His massages always make my back feel better, release tension I?ve built up, and are just generally pleasant and soothing.
They also tend to make me horny.
Sometimes, a therapeutic massage will turn to sex.
Other times, they?re purely for sexual purposes. I?ll ask for a massage knowing full well that what I really mean is ?get me in the mood and touch me everywhere.?
Those massages are similar to the therapeutic ones, but Mr. Austin will take a different approach. They?re more sensual and far more thorough.
Massages are ideal for foreplay because they?re deeply relaxing, which can put you in the right mindset for getting in the mood. Your partner also has their hands all over you, which never hurts.
And if you don?t end up wanting to have sex, you still got something great out out of it. Your partner?s sole focus was making your body feel good, and you could just relax and melt into it. Even if it doesn?t arouse you, that?s a great way to build intimacy and improve your connection.
But it helps to do it right. Here?s what I?ve learned from years of being on the receiving end of frequent sensual and erotic massages.
Take Away the Sexpectations
When you?re giving a sensual massage, the first thing you should do is make it clear that you?re not expecting to get sex out of it. Let your partner that your goal is just to make them feel good.
This has been an important step for me. I?ve turned down massages in the past because I didn?t want to have sex and I worried that accepting a massage would send the wrong message. I didn?t want my husband to work so hard to make me feel good if he wasn?t going to get anything out of it.
It took us a while to clearly communicate about our massage dynamic. Now, I know that he?s going into a sensual massage with no sexpectations. No matter how much of me he rubs down, all he might get out of it is a thoroughly pleased and grateful wife who wasn?t on the hook for giving him anything in return.
Taking away the sexpectations meant I could enjoy the massages more. I wasn?t torn between letting the massage go long so I could enjoy it more and cutting it short so I could make it clear that we weren?t heading into any adult territory. Instead, I just lie there and enjoy it.
Best of all, without the sexpectations, we were actually having more sex. I could get rubbed down without having to worry about anything, and that was a lot more likely to get me aroused.
Dim the Lights
You can give a sensual massage in the dark, but it?s not ideal. Seeing what you?re doing is going to help you give a better one, and you won?t have to fumble awkwardly for your bottle of massage oil. Plus, the visual element is part of the fun for the one giving it (all that oiled up skin is a really nice sight).
But you don?t want so much light that you ruin the massage for your partner. It?s easy to be self-conscious when you?re lying naked or half-naked while someone?s hands and eyes are all over you. Bright light can make her feel so self-conscious she can barely enjoy it. The point is to be comfortable, not feel exposed.
Candles are perfect for this. We use scented candles during our massages, which adds an extra sensory element without making me feel like I?m under a spotlight.
Make Yourself Comfortable
When you offer someone a massage, you want to be able to follow through and give them a decent one. But if you?re not sitting or standing in a comfortable position, it?s going to feel like time is dragging on. You?ll be watching the clock instead of getting in a massaging flow state. Make sure you find a position you can sustain so you can deliver the full experience.
Use Massage Oil
Technically, I?ve been getting massages from Mr. Austin practically since I met him. But those weren?t sensual massages per se. They were more like quick rub downs before sex. That was fine ? if he touched me for more than two minutes, I was already squirming and wanting it bad.
We never used massage oil at the time because we never did massages for the sake of massages.
That changed when I started needing them for physical (but non-sexual) relief. The massages were longer. The rubbing needed to stay smooth and comfortable the whole time. We had to start using massage oil.
Massage oil made a world of difference, but we never found a commercial one that we really liked. So, we tried coconut oil. It worked well, but I seemed to have a mild allergy to it, so we needed to look for an alternative.
The best options we?ve found so far are lubes. The ones that feel best are the silicone-based lubes, but they don?t get absorbed in the skin so they?re harder to clean off. When we want something easier to wash off but still effective, we?ll use sweet almond oil, which just so happens to be what Mr. Austin uses when he?s giving himself a bit self-love, so keeping it by the bed is handy for both purposes.
Start with a Lighter Touch
A good massage doesn?t start off firm ? it builds up to it. Start with some gentle touches. Stroke your partner?s skin. Run your fingers down her back. Gently rub massage oil on her.
Starting soft and slow will help your partner ease into the right mindset. She?ll be able to relax and feel prepared for the full treatment you?ll be giving her.
Work up to Deeper Stimulation
The point of a sensual massage isn?t to be therapeutic, but it should still be physically relaxing. That means you?ll have to relieve some of the tension built up in the muscles by really working at them. Sticking to light touches the entire time will feel good, but it won?t give your partner the deep physical relaxation she?ll get if you firmly knead her muscles.
Start with the Shoulders and Upper Back
The shoulders and upper back are perfect places to start your massage. They?re not erotic spots but there?s often quite a bit of tension stored in them. It also gives the massage a nice sense of progression as you gradually move lower and lower on her body.
Don?t Go for the Sexy Bits Just Yet
Your sensual massage will probably involve massaging your partner?s ass, inner thighs, or hips. But don?t start there. Work your way up to it.
Make sure she?s properly relaxed before you give that kind of stimulation. Don?t make it seem like you?re rushing. Take your time. If she?s into it, you?ll be rubbing her naughtier bits sooner or later.
Arouse and Release
When you do move to the sexier bits, your rub down will probably make your partner feel aroused. But you?re not done yet.
After massaging her ass, go back to massaging her back.
After massaging her inner thighs, move on to her calves.
After massaging her tits, work on her shoulders again.
Building arousal and pulling away will tease her, which is a great way to get her in the mood.
It will also make her feel a bit more comfortable turning down sex if she?s not feeling it. When everything is heading squarely in that direction, it could make it harder to reject you and that?s not a position anyone wants to be in.
Ask if There?s Anywhere She Doesn?t Want to Be Massaged
I love getting massaged all over ? but only down the ankles. I don?t like having my feet touched or rubbed. I know a lot of people consider a footrub to be the be all and end all of relaxation, but to me it just tickles and feels weird.
Most women have some part of their body they?re self-conscious about. There?s a good chance she?s not super comfortable with you touching it, especially touching it super thoroughly. If she doesn?t want her stomach, her sides, or her thighs massaged, stay mindful of that and respect her wishes.
Again, the point is to make her feel good, make her feel relaxed, and maybe get her aroused. None of that?s going to happen if your massage just makes her feel self-conscious.
Find a Smooth Transition into Sex
If your sensual massage goes well and she?s in the right mood, it will lead to sex. But you should transition to it in a way that feels smooth. Wiping the massage oil off your hands and saying, ?So, you wanna fuck or what?? doesn?t really fit the sensual massage mood.
Ideally, it should happen so smoothly that it blurs the line between the massage and the sexual stimulation.
First, make sure you get a clear signal that she?s open and ready for sex before you proceed (if you proceed at all). That could be verbal, though if you know her well you?ll probably know from her breathing or body language.
There are different ways to transition to sex, but Mr. Austin will usually gently spread my legs and massage my inner thighs. He?ll slowly and gradually move his way up until the edge of his palm starts to graze my outer lips. Then his well oiled hand will rub my pussy.
Everything feels of a piece ? the massage and the manual sex.
If she?s multiorgasmic, or if the point of the massage is just to give her a happy ending, you can slowly rub her clit until she comes. If not, bring her as close as you can and then move on to the next activity.
All the advice I gave here is tailored to giving sensual massages to women. If I?m being really honest, it?s mostly a list of the things I like during a massage, but I think they?re broadly applicable.
Massages are one of those things that happens to be one-sided in my life. Back pain?s not my only problem ? I?ve also been gifted with aching wrists and weak grip strength. I?ve had bouts of arthritis due to hormonal imbalances, so I just don?t have the physical ability to give a proper massage.
So, I don?t have any experience massaging someone with a cock. That?s an article for someone else to write, though I think a lot of the advice here would still work.
Regardless of your partner?s gender, sensual massages are a great way to pamper them and make them feel good. They build intimacy and could get you laid ? what?s not to love about that?
If you want to try a silicone-based lube that?s great for massages, Sliquid Silver is an excellent option. That?s an affiliate link ? if you click on it and purchase anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you?ll be supporting my work. ?
Let?s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter (I won?t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)
? If you liked this post, you might also love: