But wait.

But wait.

Okay, so you know how the theme song to Golden Girls begins? If you don?t, listen to it right now for a refresher:

Here?s the first lines: ?Thank you for being a friend / Travel down the road and back again.?

Seems pretty normal, right? Before listening to this closely, I was just happy that my show was on.

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However, a piece of critical information is revealed in the next line: ?Your heart is true, you?re a pal and a confidant.?

But how can they possibly know this?

I have never met anyone involved with this show before. How could they call me a pal?

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Yes ? they thanked me for being a friend. They called me ?a pal? and ?a confidante.? How could the person who wrote this song purport know those things about me, or anything about me at all?

I am not a friend of the writer or the singer.

My heart may be true but I am certainly no confidante to them.

It?s disturbing, to say the least.

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The next lines are even darker: ?And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me.?

I REPEAT ? THE ASSUMPTION THAT IF I THREW A PARTY, AND INVITED EVERYONE I KNEW, THE SINGER OR SONGWRITER WOULD BE THERE. BECAUSE I KNOW THEM, SUPPOSEDLY.

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Is there some explanation?

?Thank You For Being A Friend? was originally written by Andrew Gold in February 1978, thirteen years before I was even born, and yet in the song he offers to buy me a Cadillac and demanded I ?take a bow.? Both of these would be fine and even appreciated in other contexts, but considering I am not a friend to Gold or even an acquaintance, it is invasive ? some might even call it creepy.

When I first heard the full version, I jumped from my chair and closed my computer.

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It gets darker.

As if in anticipation of my tepid response to his overbearing overtures of friendship and assumption of my reciprocation, he presses on. At 2:20 in this video, he says?

?Have no fear, even though it?s hard to hear, I will stand with those that say thank you for being a friend.?

?Even though it?s hard to hear,? he says, across time. Chilling. But wait.

Who are ?those that say??

I can only assume he means Cynthia Fee, who rerecorded this song for Golden Girls in the ?80s, and the cast of Golden Girls. Woah.

I want to emphasize again: though I have been watching Golden Girls for years, I have never met Andrew Gold, Cynthia Fee, or any of the cast. I enjoy the show but I assume no emotional intimacy with its makers, and it is not possible for them to have met me when this was conceived, as the show first aired in 1985, a full week before my parents were married and six years before I was born.

I am not friends with the cast of the Golden Girls, or the singer, or the songwriter. Why they have chosen to use a song about our nonexistent friendship to begin their show is beyond comprehension.

Why they have chosen to thank me is a huge mystery.

I do not expect them to stop using this theme song any time soon, but it certainly has changed the way I look at the theme song ? and Golden Girls as a whole.

Sorry if that bursts your bubble.

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