Sex education never ends.
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I have learned a lot about sex over the years. I read books on sex. I watch videos. I take classes. I experiment and explore with my partners. Because sex education never ends.
Sex is a skillset, which means that I will never know all there is to know. And I will never be an expert. But I can be a forever student. Always in process. Always discovering. Always becoming ? better.
Here are 10 lessons that I have learned about sex that might help you too:
1) Orgasms are not required.
I had been having sex for 5 years before I began having partnered orgasms regularly. I didn?t spend 5 years having bad sex. It was exploratory sex. It was experiential sex. It was discover-what-I-really-like sex.
One thing I learned during that time is that orgasm chasing is never a good idea. Where sex is concerned, pleasure is the point. And you get to decide what is pleasurable for you. Sometimes pleasure will result in orgasm, but not always.
I still have good sex. And sometimes I don?t have orgasms. Sometimes my partners don?t have orgasms either. But we always experience pleasure.
2) Penetration is only one kind of sex.
Oral sex. Anal sex. Titty sex. It?s all sex. You do not need to be penetrated by a penis, dildo, or finger to have sex.
In fact, you don?t even have to be touched at all to have a sexual experience. I have had my mind fucked to the point of orgasm. And let me tell you, I don?t know if I have ever cum so hard!
Then there are the epic make-out sessions. Dry-humping, tangled tongues, pinched nipples all create the most delicious arousal.
Clitoral tickles. Cock strokes. Vulva massages.
All of it counts? even if penetration never happens.
3) A soft penis doesn?t mean game over.
I once had sex with someone who was so excited that he finished before we got started. My response to that was, ?that?s okay, I love tongues and fingers as much as penises!?
We continued to explore one another, with our hands and mouths. Then he rose to the occasion once again, and I enjoyed that too. But it would have been just as enjoyable if he didn?t get hard for the rest of the evening.
Like I said before, penetration is only one kind of sex.
A soft penis doesn?t mean game over, it just means you play a different game.
4) Queefing happens.
Air gets inside of vaginas during sex. When air is released from orifices sounds happen. It?s a natural part of the sexual experience. Sometimes it?s funny. It can be uncomfortable. It?s almost always surprising. And it?s perfectly normal.
Why is it called a queef anyway? Maybe a ?voot? would be better. And ?vart? is absolutely out of the question.
5) Ask for what you want.
?You certainly do let me know when it feels good, by saying it.? My lover said this to me recently. And it?s true.
My pleasure is my responsibility. That means that in order to guarantee that I am pleased, I need to use my words.
I know where my spots are much better than my partner. No need to draw a map, I got the exact coordinates of the treasure. And I?m happy to share it!
Every body is different. That means that what feels good to someone else might feel terrible to me.
Sex is not a one-size-fits-most situation.
So if you want more, less, or something new? ask for it.
6) Sex is messy.
When I first began having sex I didn?t expect the mess. Mostly because sex on television (not porn) is always neat. Sure hair gets mussed and sheets get tangled. But for the most part, it?s a fairly sterile ordeal. But that?s not real life. In real life, sex is a noisy, juicy, and sometimes very messy experience.
Spit, sweat, secretions, lube?
It?s slick and wet. You will make a mess. The sheets will be wet. There will be smells. You will need towels. You might need a shower before and after. And that?s okay.
Sex is not meant to be tidy. You can clean up later. But while you?re doing it, be in the room. Ignore the mess. Enjoy the juiciness and let yourself go!
7) It doesn?t have to be awkward.
In my experience sex is only awkward when one or both people are trying not to be themselves. But if we are going to get naked, we might as well be ourselves. Being vulnerable helps.
Just say how you?re feeling.
?I?m a little nervous.?
?I haven?t had sex in a while.?
?My last experience was not so great.?
When you express how you?re feeling the awkwardness falls away. It?s like magic.
8) Alcohol is not a good idea.
As a rule, I never have more than one drink if I know I?m going to have sex. Because contrary to popular belief alcohol can really fuck up sex.
Alcohol is the most popular social lubricant. People drink to take the edge off. To lower inhibitions and feel more confident. A little sippy sip makes connecting less awkward (in theory). But the truth is being buzzed can kill your buzz!
Lest we forget alcohol is a depressant. So it can make eyes heavy and penises limp. You?re more likely to do things that you may not be comfortable doing. Because alcohol disconnects you from your body.
You do not need to be sober to get laid, but you do need to be sober to connect.
This is not meant to be a sobriety PSA. It?s more of an invitation to get intimate with your limits. Because a good sex life should not require social lube. Just saying.
9) Safe sex begins with communication.
I am always talking about the safer sex conversation because it?s that important. Discussing your sexual history and sharing test results can enhance the sexual experience.
What?s hotter than knowing that the person you are sharing your body with is practicing safe sex?
Actually having sex with someone who practices safe sex!
Communicating about sex and safe sex practices brings me closer to my lovers. Having these conversations have created a foundation of trust and intimacy. One that we continue to build on today.
I highly recommend it!
10) Sex is funny as hell.
If I had a gag reel of my sexual bloopers I would be a very rich woman! Because sex is funny as hell! The faces and sounds alone will make you bust a gut!
Bumping heads or accidentally putting something where it shouldn?t go. Queefing. Trying to pee with an erect penis or clitoris. It?s all good and it?s all funny!
Laughing through the funny parts makes sex better
And you can always record the outtakes if you?re into that! LOL
Over the years, I have learned and experienced these things and more. But I still don?t know all there is to know about sex. Every experience expands my awareness and helps me grow. Each partner offers something different.
Pleasure is such a multifaceted experience.
So if sex is something you enjoy commit to learning something new. Hone your skills. Let it be messy. Laugh through the flubs. Don?t be afraid to switch it up. Use your words, your mouth, and your hands too!
May you live long and be pleased often. ?
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? and their penis.
Stacey Herrera is a relationship-ing practitioner, jalapeo junkie, and chronic library fine payer. She?s also an Intimacy + REALationship coach residing in the Port of Los Angeles. Sign-up to her newsletter for updates.